So, Tulisa has a sex tape. Or rather, a blow job tape. Or rather, Tulisa’s face and a penis belonging to some dude called MC Ultra share space and time for a while. However you see it, it’s not a particularly successful endeavour and you can see why she chose to put her mouth to labour as a… what is she, a singer? I’ve only seen her on The X Factor and if I thought I needed to watch that through my fingers, I was not at all prepared for this.
We get the classic POV shot from MC Ultra, who unfortunately doesn’t seem to have name himself such as compensation for masculine deficiencies. It all starts with Tulisa smacking the erect penis against her temple. This is a clever move on her part as damn near anything is going to be more pleasurable than having your willy bashed against a human skull, making the whole experience yet to come seem better than it is. Remember this, dear readers, and feel free to use it at home if you’re concerned about your sexual abilities. Maybe punch your lover in the face or bite down hard on their genitals before engaging in foreplay to make your sexual techniques seems inordinately orgasmic by comparison.
Tulisa moves on to what I like to call, ‘The Trained Seal’ manoeuvre. She ducks down under the erection and starts to push her nose up along the underside, as it pushing a beach ball across a swimming pool. I wouldn’t have been surprised if MC Ultra threw her a dead fish as a reward afterwards. Tulisa needs to print out some feedback forms, I think, in order to better understand where the pleasure parts of the penis are. There’s no shame in learning. When I first tried to give oral sex, I… Oh, sorry, according to page 74 of the Shouting at Cows Official Style Guide, I’m supposed to be using the first person plural. So what I mean is, when we first tried to give oral sex, in our teenage years, we weren’t exactly sure what we were meant to be doing and… well let’s just say we tried to use our tongue as a penis. All of us. We all did it. But we learned. Some of us.
So, there’s a cut in the footage and suddenly Tulisa is pumping the penis with her hand with her lips tentatively placed at the head of the willy. Clearly there’s been an impromptu bit of blow job education in the cut and, like we said, that’s OK. Maybe MC Ultra rapped his lesson. Maybe like this?:
Stick it in yo’ mouth
Like yo’ just don’ care
Floss yo’ back teeth
With ma curly ball hair
Still, she’s not too keen to commit to the oral part of the oral sex. She bobs around on the head in what most people would consider the ‘classic technique’, but she gets bored of this very easily and starts doing strange things like:
1) The Flute: turn sideways to the penis and purse your lips around the head, while playing the shaft with your hands
2) The Golden Wonder: put your open mouth at the end of the penis and start pumping furiously with your hand as it trying to dislodge the final dregs at the bottom of the crisp packet.
3) The Colgate: Similar to the Golden Wonder, only you swill the tip of the penis around your mouth while pumping away, like you’re trying to brush last night’s popcorn out from between your teeth.
There are several cuts during this increasingly furious attempt to get MC Ultra to ejaculate. But several existential questions pop into our minds during this endeavour and we’re sure the exact same questions started to bother MC Ultra, thus distracting him from the job at hand and keeping him from coming on schedule. The most pressing question is: is a blow job still a blow job if it’s just a hand job with a mouth at one end? When does a mouthy hand job become a blow job? Will the impressionable young teenage youths watch their X Factor hero banging away at the willy in her mouth and think this is what constitutes a blow job? Will the next generation of sexually awakened youths be doomed to a life of terrible blow jobs? Do we need to send Dawn Porter out to our nation’s secondary schools to teach teenagers how to give decent head? This is a real concern.
After a while she abandons the pretence of oral sex and actually grabs MC Ultra’s penis with both hands in an attempt to… double the eroticism? MC Ultra tries to encourage her with a patronising ‘good girl’, but we’re getting a little concerned that the whole thing is getting so violent that the penis might actually come off in her hands. And not in the good way.
A few times she gets confused and gets all Microsoft Flight Simulator on his winkle, shaking it left and right instead of up and down, perhaps hoping the centripetal forces will push more blood to the tip and increase arousal?
Tulisa realises it’s time to pull out the big guns, so she pulls out one of her big guns. As boobs go, we’ve always had a soft spot for Tulisa’s (which is a somewhat misleading way of putting it), and there’s nothing sexier than seeing a boob half pulled out of a velour pink tracksuit, with the hoodie toggle wiggling over it. Phwoar. This will clearly drive MC Ultra into overdrive, but Tulisa won’t rest on her laurels. She begins what we’d like to call ‘Einstein’s Blow Job of Special Relativity’. You see, why hold the penis still and move your mouth, when you can hold your mouth still, tongue lolling out, and just frantically rub the penis against it. It’s genius, really.
Nothing’s really happening though. Tulisa keeps looking at the penis, right into its eye, like a gardener might look down a garden hose that just isn’t delivering its promised gush. Eventually, MC Ultra fakes an orgasm. Probably. He starts grunting loudly and suddenly, out of nowhere; then no semen comes out of his penis; then everything stops and Tulisa blows MC Ultra a kiss. It’s one of those ‘you’re welcome’ kisses. There’s no confusion from her as to where the expected ejaculate might be, or why he came at a moment when she wasn’t actually doing anything. No, for her it’s a job well done.
But, next time you watch the X Factor and she flashes her arm at you, remember: she’s not showing you her tattoo – she’s showing you her bad wanking arm. This is the arm that couldn’t make MC Ultra come, she’s saying, to millions of child viewers. Disgusting.