Playing it Straight: Season 1 Final by Hannah

The nightmare is almost over; the horrifying conclusion is upon us. Which epic loser will Cara risk £50,000 on? By this point in proceedings it is fairly obvious that it’s all about the money, as there is zero chemistry between any of them. Except, perhaps, finalists Dean and Danny. So far, Cara has thrown out five gays and four straights, suggesting that the finalists should be half and half. The finalists are Danny, Dean, Sam and the charming Sven. The morning following the last eviction Cara and the finalists gather to eat the breakfast of champions, which Jameela Jamil ruins by turning up to remind everyone that someone is gay.

For the first challenge of the final the boys have to feel Cara up. Haha, not really, it’s a massage! While they’re at it, Cara can question them fully about how many women they’ve massaged before. Danny is first. ‘I totally got a rock hard dick giving Cara a massage,’ he declares afterwards. What a charmer. Next up is Dean, who once took a woman to a country hotel with peacocks and they went to a Beefeaters. Unfortunately he has a bit of a gay tattoo. Sam has extra persuading to do because of his gay twin. Now, prepare yourself ladies! It’s Sven time! Prepare yourself for some seriously, extra-manly erotic massage. He continues his strategy of brusquely bitching about all the contestants throughout.

FIRST ELIMINATION TIME! (Please be Sven, please be Sven). Cara will be handing out envelopes for three lovely dates, and one elimination. Who will it be? Not Sven sadly, he’s having a flamenco dance lesson. It’s Danny! And he’s gay! I’d love to say I predicted it from the start, but I thought he was straight. *kicks gaydar angrily* Danny is pleased that he got to the final four, as he wanted to show that he is a ‘gay man trapped in a straight man’s body.’ Best mate Dean is appalled at having been friends with a secret gay, especially as Dean told him he’d slept with sixty women. Poor Danny muses that he could’ve meant sixty men.

So, Cara made the right choice, and there is probably only one gay left in the mix. I THINK IT IS SVEN! In order to help her make up her mind, Cara has three romantic dates. The first is with Sam, whom Cara genuinely seems to like, hanging out in a butterfly forest. As if that’s a thing. Next up is a romantic horse-drawn carriage ride with Dean; well, as romantic as staring at two horses’ arses while being jolted over stones can be. According to Dean, Sam is gay and Sven is a bit nuts. During his flamenco date, Sven threatens to shoot himself in the head if Sam wins instead of him, which does make him seem a bit mental. He also says that he’s just in it for the money, which is probably true of everyone, but his constant obvious desperation for it is a bit cringeworthy.

FINALLY, it’s the final! If Cara picks right, she’ll get £25,000. Whom will she pick? Sam is up first, so he obviously isn’t the winner- but is he a gay? HE IS GAY! Cara is really not happy, but hopefully £25,000 will cheer her up later. And the winner is Dean… and he’s straight! Hurrah! There’s money for all! Except for Sven, who looks all sad now. Poor Sven… except not poor Sven! He’s gay! I was right all along!

Now that all the excitement is over, it’s time for me to tot up my final gaydar score.

FILLIPO: Gay… was straight!

SAM: Straight… was gay!

BEN: Gay… was straight!

LEVI: Straight…was straight!

DEAN: Gay… was straight!

DANNY: Straight…was gay!

LEROY: Straight…was gay!

DAVID: Straight…was gay!

ANDREI: Gay… was straight!

SVEN: Gay…was gay!

I got it spectacularly wrong on almost all counts, but I got it right on Sven, so I don’t care!

Comments

1. Caroline says:

   February 29, 2012 at 2:44 pm

   So the one I found most attractive (Danny) was gay? Haha, I should’ve known!

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