Take Me Out: Series 3 Episode 8 by Tim Ward

As Franz Ferdinand (the band not the Archduke) once said, ‘Take Me Out’. So, er, let’s Take Me Out. Or something.

The lasses were brought out by Mr Guinness – all legs, cleavage and dreams of finding Mr Right; we’ve only a handful of episodes left, so they really need to bag themselves some kind of man soon. Any man. Just a man. Maybe Lad One is a “man” or some kind?

Lee from Belfast is the most Northern Irish sounding contestant yet on this series and he certainly charmed our lasses and kept all 30 lights, including Bubbly Stephanie who still hasn’t taken a breath yet this series. Lee is a physio and a semi-professional footballer. As is traditional for Take Me Out, any mention of football, even in vague passing, results in the loss of at least one light, and this week’s episode was no exception. He lost more lights for love of romcoms but still had 24 lights on. But not Model Lucy – obviously – whose light was off before his final video from his mate Chris, which revealed that he once presented himself as a dessert – which is music to Stephanie’s ears.

Lee had a job on his hands turning off so many lights but eventually narrowed it down to Lizzie and Toni. My money was on Toni for two specific reasons. And as you try and read between the lines there, I’ll let you know that Lee is a man of shrewd tastes, and picked Toni.

Liam and Lucy’s date was up next and they headed off for some massaging – giving them both a great chance to look each other up and down like the raw sexually-driven beasts that they are and think “Yes. Yes I would”. The date turned soft-porn from here on, as Liam took over from the professional masseuse, rubbing oil into Lucy’s back. Honestly, I was starting to wonder if ITV just thought “stuff it, let’s do everything possible to make them fuck immediately, then we’ll film it and slap it on prime time TV.” and I was all for this. Sadly, they cut that out, straight to dinner which goes brilliantly – more dates!

Our second gentleman was the albino ghost of 1970s Rick Wakeman. White – yes White – from “Brighton by sea” was wearing a full white tails-suit, white bowtie and has shoulder length-white hair. He looked like the haunted portrait of a dead pianist. There was then a power-cut on the stage, as all but five of the girls’ lights went out and I assume the button broke on the remaining podiums. Friend of the blog Nicki was left speechless – it was his dress sense that didn’t do it for her. Apparently these were his more reserved items of clothing. Fucking hell, what else could White possibly wear?

For his talent, White – HOLY FUCK IT IS THE ALBINO GHOST OF 1970S RICK WAKEMAN – got his keyboard out! He played a glam-rock song, with added guitar and FUCKING FIREWORKS IN HIS SHOES. Jesus Christ, this guy was relentless with his dedication to not giving any fucks. He had three lights remaining and I reckoned 27 other women frankly bashing their light to make it come back on. That shit don’t work girls. In final round, we find that White is a busker and BOOM, there go his remaining lights – including the lovely Cony and Becca. White was visibly gutted, but at least he gets back to his day job – haunting a nearby abandoned theatre.

James Le Rouge and Fleur’s date was next and James was hoping she’d be wearing something red. Honestly, James, if you like the colour red so much why don’t you just marry it? They headed go-karting which resulted in zero conversations. At dinner, Fleur reveals she’s a burlesque dancer and James mentions the colour red again, for fuck’s sake. They will probably have further dates and James hopes to give Fleur something red that evening. While I tried to figure out what that attempted joke meant, out came lad three – Charlie from Surrey.

Charlie looked god-like compared to Rick Wakeman, and lost just one light – Fiona who thought he looked too intelligent for her. Probably right, to be fair. Charlie is a professional artist and a snowboarder and seemed a down-to-earth lad. This wasn’t enough for some girls and he lost a few more lights, but he should be alright heading into a video from his mates Dave and, er, Dave. Charlie has a penchant for wandering about in one of those twatty Morph-suit things which put off a few more, but he’s got plenty to choose from and, after bloody ages, gets it down to Lizzie, again, and Danielle.

Charlie is after inspiration for his paintings and Danielle says that like Titanic, he can be Jack and paint her any day. Before she lets his dead, icy hands go in the mid-Atlantic, I assume. Lizzie said that as she’s a nurse the size of her heart will be his inspiration. All Charlie heard was “NURSE UNIFORM NURSE UNIFORM NURSE UNIFORM NURSE UNIFORM NURSE UNIFORM”. But, Charlie prefers the films of Kate Winslet and picks Danielle – who has never left her light on for any contestant. It’s like getting to shag a virgin.

Ben and Leggy Tall Steph from last week were up next, going rock climbing. In the last series, this provided ample gratuitous shots of the lady’s arse but the producers went for a different tact this time round – as Steph did her best Gabe Walker (that’s a Cliffhanger reference, obviously) impression and raced up the cliff, whereas Ben was shitting himself. They had a lovely dinner and it’s another successful match up!

Our final fella was face-of-a-giant-baby, John from Leeds. You can tell we’re running out of shows as he kept all 30 lights. But his video is a bit of ‘mare – he is useless when it comes to fashion, works in a fitness shop. does cheerleading and lost an awful 22 lights. If the girls weren’t a fan of cheerleading, they were going to hate his talent… cheerleading, if you need it spelling out. The cheerleading involves John holding a girl above his head and peering up her skirt, which doesn’t go down too well – but he had two lights left – Gracie and Pride of Wigan, Bec. Our John goes for Bec – one of the stalwarts of the series, with her amazing accent, but she is off to Fernandos.

Right, that’s your lot again, sod off.

Comments

1. Caroline says:

   February 27, 2012 at 4:26 pm

   I just googled ‘Rick Wakeman’. Wow
2. Wardy says:

   February 27, 2012 at 5:16 pm

   You’ll agree that I was spot on then?

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