The Dickhead List: Jonathan Ross by shoutingatco.ws

For years, it seemed that Jonathan Ross (OBE) was destined to be known as “Paul Ross’s daft voiced brother”; until everything went wrong for Paul and right for Jonathan. Since the 1980s, Ross (Jonathan, not Paul. God, not Paul) has been an inescapable face on British television, hosting award shows, chat shows and appearing on every panel show he could, like a prototype David Mitchell.

Ross is best known for being “controversial”, or just “being a bit rude”. He asked David Cameron if he’d ever had a wank over Mrs. Thatcher – of course not, Cameron masturbates while staring fiercely into a mirror. He also told Gwyneth Paltrow that he “would fuck” her, which was probably thrilling for old Gwynnie. Living a top celebrity lifestyle is nothing compared to the knowledge that Ross has definitely done an image search for nuddy pictures of you.

His only saving grace was a multi-million pound contract with the BBC that really got on the Daily Mail’s tits. Licence-payers’ is money going towards funding his life, while all he does is swear on the telly! The Mail’s whinging finally got the better of him, as the fallout from the tediously well-documented Andrew Sachs controversy saw him leave the BBC. He almost immediately cropped up on ITV, meaning that every time you buy anything that’s advertised on telly, you’re funding his salary.

At least you know where you stand with Jonathan Ross. If you’re in the upper reaches of Hollywood SuperMegaStardom, like Brad Pitt, George Clooney or Vincent Chase, then Wossy will be your obsequious best mate. Your very own arse-licking Richard Hammond, running around making sure your bell-end isn’t dripping.

Get an A-Lister on your telly show, and you’ll be guaranteed a Wossy extravaganza. Has he seen their film? Of course he has! He took his wife along! And his kids! And they all loved it! The performance was captivating. Magical. Brilliant. He’s got his head so far up the film industry’s arse that he’s picking bits of the Hollywood sign out of his teeth. And for that obnoxious, bland arse-licking, he’s a dickhead.

Comments

1. Tom says:

   February 7, 2012 at 7:11 pm

   His kids also love every musical artist’s latest album.

   His kids have fucking shit taste.

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