It’s Saturday night and time for a nation to once again step into the Love Emporium that is Take Me Out.
Paddy McGuiness welcomes the girls into the studio – all smiles, breasts, legs, tit-tape, hopes and dreams.
Our first hopeful fella is dreadlocked, MC-Hammer-trousered Andy from London. He grooves his way down to a Bob Marley track – sometimes stereotypes are there for a reason – and then begins by losing half of his lights. He hasn’t impressed one of our favourites, Lucy, but Wiganion Bec – another one growing on us every week – is still up for it with our Andy. His VT is up next and shows that he’s also a street campaigner for Greenpeace. Honestly, stereotypes WORK. They are safe. Stick with him. He had three left going into his final round. Here, he does some frankly awesome things with a basketball. It’s enough – he’s bagged himself a date with the lovely-looking Grace!
Next, time to perv on our first of the dates from last week – with Carrie and Fabio. They headed off for some hot chocolate therapy – which sounds like something you’d do while watching Bridget Jones and crying. Fabs is winning by being a perfect gentleman and they are fully smitten. Success!
The next lad is Action Man haircut Francis from Belfast, who only lost three lights – including Mollie who was lost with his Norn Iron accent. Francis is a semi-pro footballer, which loses him lights, followed by more lights going off due to his crippling fish and chip shop addiction. In Francis’ final salvo, his mates stuff him right up by half suggesting he steals from his dates. But it isn’t enough to put off Cate and Emma. After a pointless question about chippy condiments, Francis picks Ugly Betty star (not the character) America Ferrera lookalike Cate!
Let’s see how Steph and Norman from last week’s date went now. Being on a beautiful sunny island, the obvious choice for a date is… oh. They go pottery making. All hopes of a Ghost re-enactment were dashed when they just made very shit clay heads of each other. The conversation dried up at dinner with Normal falling back on the tried and tested technique of singing at his date. Nothing doing here kids, move on.
Our third lad out is 1950s rock and roll styled Jake from Windsor. He’s lost a few lights but should be able to bag something from here. In his video, Jake reveals his belief in “treat ‘em nice, treat ‘em keen” which immediately costs him three lights; either because they misheard or are a bit stupid. He loses more lights for saying he didn’t want a “mass produced WAG style woman” – at least they’re honest. For his final round, Jake grabs a mic, a double bass and gives us some perfectly adequate 50s rock singing for 10 seconds. He gets himself a date with Hollie after ditching fellow Fifties-fan Fleur.
Tony and Sophia from last week were up next and they headed off for some golfing – which, given that Tony is a professional golfer, was a bit unfair. He taught her how to swing and we all know the advantages of that. At dinner, they share a kiss on the cheek and will meet up again.
Bainsey and Bobby’s date was next and they went bowling, like all decent 15 year olds do on dates. I imagine they edited out the Pizza Hut buffet lunch and the over-the-jumper boob grope. They had got to dinner and everything was going well until Bainsey said he wasn’t her type of guy and isn’t attracted to him. Oh.
Final lad was next – it was oddly small-faced Damion from Weston-Super-Mare. He certainly didn’t have a mare at the start, losing only two lights – Toni who thought he was camp and Kelly who is the ex-girlfriend of one of Damion’s best mates. The remaining women were drooling over the lad heading into his video – where it showed that he is a model and, to be honest, seemed an alright lad. He does obsess over his cars but also wanders down a beach looking thoughtful. He’s lost some lights but has plenty remaining before the final round – a video from his best mate Carl.
Carl revealed that he dated Jodie Marsh and it really is a bloodbath of lights – he lost more than half his remaining lights and etched across his face was a mix of rage and embarrassment. But he did secure a date!
Paddy speaks to Lucy to ask why she turned her light out, and Damion comments that he’s disappointed since he was going to pick her “from the beginning”. Which, to be fair, isn’t a shocking decision, but the other girls weren’t particularly thrilled about that. Chelsea isn’t impressed, nor is Leah, while Lucy is mortally embarrassed. Emma sticks up for the lad, and he defended himself. I say defended, I mean dug further:
“I thought, ‘I always attract blondes, so try something different’ and Lucy IS the most attractive brunette”
Thus offending all remaining blondes and brunettes. This was horrible to watch, as the remaining girls begin to realise the true horror of leaving their light on for this douche. He veritably slams Nicki’s light off, with no good reason, and leaves Steph and Chelsea, two blonde girls. “I had no choice” remarked Damien, forgetting the attractive brunette Nicki whose light he nearly broke turning off, and making Steph and Chelsea feel as wanted as a game of Mousetrap with half the bits missing.
Damion’s final question is “If you could take one thing to Fernandos what would it be?” while the audience continued to gasp, like they had been doing for the last five minutes.
Steph sends a zinger right back: “I would have a good answer for this if I liked the lad…”, while Chelsea would take milk, because she likes milk. Fair enough I guess. I’m going to have to write word for word for what happened next, as it is quite, quite brilliant:
Paddy: One of these girls is a beauty queen. So, is it going to be Steph…
Steph [to Chelsea]: Good luck!
And then, truly the best thing to ever happen on Take Me Out occured, as Damien strided over to turn off Steph’s light, Judi, next to Steph leaned over and turned it off as he raised his arm. I’ll be honest, I cheered at that like the winning goal in a football match.
Chelsea greets it with sarcastically OTT celebrations, and does not quite look thrilled with Damo. So, off go Take Me Out’s Biggest Dickhead and Amanda Holden-alike the gutted Chelsea – who Damion manages to call her Lucy in his VT at the end. Let her go mate, for fuck’s sake.
I cannot wait for that date next week!