Women Behind Bars opens with some men committing a diamond heist on a boat, but one of the heiststers screws the others over, killing them. Their death yells are everything you’d expect from extras in a low budget 1970s exploitation flick.
When this double-crossing villain gets to his girlfriend’s house, she kills him. In a flap, she phones the police to confess all, and ends up in prison. All this happens within the first five minutes, and the excitement completely outweighs that of the rest of the entire film.
An insurance broker for the diamond company is convinced that Shirley, the girlfriend, stitched her boyfriend up and stole the jewels herself. He sets out to spy on her (in prison) and find out where she’s hiding them. At the same time, the prison warder uses the prisoner he’s banging to find out more about her, and recover the diamonds for himself.
The warder’s elaborate plan involves naked smoking, terrible dubbing, and a threesome with the prisoners. Shirley isn’t buying into his cheeky scheme, which is conveyed via the medium of the camera zooming in on her pubes really slowly. Odd.
As a completely necessary and relevant punishment for starting a fight, one of the prisoners is stripped naked and whipped for an uncomfortably long time, while the warder stares at her with a glazed over, got-a-hard-on look. In case you were getting worried that this was just a masturbatory excuse for a film, let us reassure you that the extended lesbian scenes, with all soft jazz, moaning and sneaky shots right up bum holes are entirely necessary for the plot.
Shirley is passed a note in the canteen, but eats it rather than showing it to the guards. They react by electrocuting her pussy, a pointless and tedious recreation of the Milgram experiment, with tits. It’s actually uncomfortable to watch, partly because it’s disturbing, but partly because they clearly want you to get off on it. It does make us wonder, though: if they’re prepared to torture, why not just waterboard her until she gives up where the diamonds are?
The warden invites Shirley back to his room, where she can’t help but get naked before pulling a gun. Her elaborate plan is to walk out of the front gate with him, boobs blowing in the breeze. Amazingly, it works and she gets to drive off with her accomplice on the outside, while the warder gets to roll around on the floor with a bullet inside him. Her accomplice is the owner of the diamonds, but she still denies knowing where they are. He beats the shit out of her in a hotel room, until she admits knowing where they are.
In a shocking twist, the diamond box is empty, and Shirley does a runner with the private investigator from the start whom she’s actually in love with and has the diamonds. Well, that was a little bit strange.
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