The Republican party are currently having polls to decide who is going to run against Barack Obama in the forthcoming US Elections. Now the Republican Party is quite mental at the best of times, but this year, it’s even more absurd. The main reason for this is because Barak Obama and the incumbent Democrat Party destroyed the Republicans in 2009. And I mean DESTROYED. The sheer volume of seats the Republicans would need to win is so vast, that even if God himself ran for the Republicans, he’d still probably fall a couple of swing states short. Obama is suffering highly in opinion polls, but realistically, no-where near enough to foreseeably lose the election. Because of this, no half decent candidates are running. Promising governors like Chris Christie and Eric Cantor have flatly refused to run, preferring to throw a sacrificial lamb into this year’s election, hoping to bridge the gap before 2017, when the Republicans have a much more likely chance to win.
The race therefore, is populate by some of the worst governors, senators and even people in the country, and the process so far has been dogged by gaffs, scandal and ‘the ability to speak Chinese’ (more on that later). So at Shouting at Cows Towers, we’ve decided to give you the skinny on the runners and riders for this year’s leadership race, explain what the bloody hell has gone on so far, and make it clear which of the various delinquents is the most likely to earn the chance to lose the 2013 election.
The most likely candidate for the election will be…
But no-one likes Mitt Romney. Not even Mitt Romney likes Mitt Romney. The Mormon and former missionary is educated, handsome and well spoken, but with a cold, automated tone. This has made him impossible for the electorate to relate to. He’s just so functional. He’s like the human embodiment of a law textbook. None of the Republican voters can warm to him, and have led a literal ‘Is there anyone else!?’ plea to the rest of the candidates. But there really isn’t. And Mitt Romney will win the polls. Because he’s the least likely out of all the candidates to be found chasing buses at 3am outside Wrigley’s Field, Chicago. Whereas the chances of this happening to the other candidates is highly probable.
At first, Romney tried the old ‘Don’t let the suit and perfectly still hair confuse you, I’m the hippest kid in the joint!’ But this failed, as the hippest kids in the joint don’t tend to recruit people to Mormonism, or think a cool topic for discussion is management consulting. Instead of trying to win over the population with an artificial vernacular, Mitt has regressed into an even more robotic version of himself. All function and no flair, Romney stated at a recent rally to Iowa farmers that “Your story about dust regulation captures my interest”, without the merest hint of humour of sarcasm.
He may be the most boring man in America, but it he’s the best this lot have got. Especially when you consider the rest, such as…
Loving referred to as ‘Sarah Palin on speed’, Bachmann is picking up where Palin left off, only being far, far worse. Michelle was the first person supported as part of the Republicans ABR (Anyone But Romney) campaign, due to her large tea-party backing, ability to emit an antiquated platitude about the good old ‘U S of A’, and by being as mad as crab’s crock. This heady mix saw her connect with large swaths of the Republican electorate with ease.
Michelle was the golden girl of the party for a spell, with paranoid leftists quivering over what she’d do if in power, whilst everyone else with half a brain realised that the minute she had to speak without cue-cards, she’d be toast. And as expected, once she was asked to speak her mind, she was finished.
Despite a number of gaffs, including describing homosexuality as ‘a sexual dysfunction and disorder’ and her husband reportedly running workshops aimed at ‘curing homosexuality’, what really cooked her goose in the election process was her comments on the HPV vaccine (a vaccine used to protect against cervical cancer). She claimed, for no reason whatsoever, that it caused mental retardation in young girls. This drew widespread criticism from both the medical profession and her party, who demanded she retract her comments. No-one knows quite know how she got this idea, but when quizzed on why she made her comments, she retorted by saying;
”I have no idea. I am not a doctor, I’m not a scientist, I’m not a physician. All I was doing is reporting what this woman told me at the debate.”
This isn’t very reassuring from a potential President, essentially saying that she is totally clueless about everything, and will say any old shit in government debates if it sounds plausible enough. I just hope she’s confronted by a particularly convincing fortune cookie in a Chinese restaurant, as it could totally change her cantankerous approach to life.
She never really recovered from the outrage, leading Republicans to turn their support to…
Rick was the second candidate to be backed by the ABR brigade, and being someone who has often been described as a more extreme George Bush, you can imagine that his fate would probably end up going the same was as Ms Bachmann. We profiled Perry in full a few months back, after him replacing sexual education with an abstinence only program in Texas saw the state have the highest increase of teenage pregnancy in America. Nice work, Rick!
He was however the king of the garbled sound-bite, a militant Christian and seemed to approach the English language like you and I would approach a particularly tricky Rubik’s cube, which saw Republicans take him into their loving bosom.
Rick Perry, however, was complete rubbish. And I don’t mean like ‘Nicolas Cage in Ghost Rider’ rubbish, I mean like ‘Nicolas Cage in The Wicker Man’ rubbish. Just appalling. He garbled his speech at rallies as he appeared to be unable to read off cue-cards, before admitting that, “Debates aren’t my strong suit”. Perry also got into heated race issues, by displaying confederates flags around his office and owning a Texas ranch called ‘Niggerrock’. He was also derided for working alongside Peter Wagner, organiser of the New Aposteletic Reformation Church, who:
“Has advocated publicly burning statues of Catholic saints and claimed that Japan is controlled by demons because its emperor had sex with the sun goddess”.
Bat. Shit. Crazy.
In a last ditch attempt to save the campaign, Perry’s team spent millions of dollars on TV ad campaigns, which had seemed to help Perry turn the corner. But after turning up (allegedly) drunk to a debate, forgetting in another debate what his manifesto said, and getting the voting age in the New Hampshire debate wrong, people gave up on him, and turned to……
With the ABR barrel getting severely scraped, the next person to step into the breach was Herman ‘The Tosser’ Cain (joke for all you Brass Eye fans out there). Former CEO of Godfather’s Pizza, Herman was backed highly to be the new candidate, despite being completely clueless and having never served as a senator. However, the party needed someone who wasn’t Mitt Romney, and by virtue of not being Mitt Romney, Cain was supported.
With vibrant charisma, larger than life style and a propensity to call himself ‘Black Walnut’ all the time for no apparent reason, Cain managed to slalom past questions over his experience by just being cracking entertainment at every debate, and due to the tendency of others to completely fuck their campaigns up.
That was however, until he screwed up his. A number of former female employees accused Cain of sexual misconduct and sexual advances towards them during his time at the National Restaurant Association. Cain denied these, but his position looked weaker when another woman, Karen Kraushaar, claimed that he had made unwanted sexual advances towards her during his time at the National Treasury. But that wasn’t even the worst of it for the accused horn-dog. A fourth woman claimed that she had been sexually harassed by Cain back in 1997, also during his time at the National Restaurant Association.
Whether or not he could survive these lurid accusation was one thing, but when a 5th woman came out and claimed she had not just received sexual advances from Cain, but that she had a 13 year affair with him, was another. Ginger White claimed that their long affair, which saw him fly her across the country to meet him, was only ended by Cain on the eve of his presidential campaign. Despite Cain denying these further allegations, his opinion polls slumped, conservatives withdrew support and his campaign was left in tatters, which, at time of writing, is according to Cain, ‘being reassessed’.
So with their first 3 choices having shot themselves in the foot, the ABR campaign was forced to turn to……
Republican mainstay for many decades and an experienced campaigner, Gingrich is like the Ken Clarke of the Republican party; trusty stalwart that always gets considered, but ultimately never gets the top job, due to his inability to ‘fall in line’. However, with everyone else imploding around him, Gingrich has strongly being considered as a possible candidate.
After kicking off his campaign in a Clarke-esq fashion, that of taking a totally unaligned position and having a differing opinion from his party (on Medicare), the core of the GOP did the usual thing they do with Gingrich, telling him to piss off whilst trying to find a sycophantic berk who would peddle their opinions.
With his campaign looking all but done, many of his staff quit, which forced him to recruit volunteers to help his wilting push for presidency. But with the series of implosions of other candidates, Gingrich again began to look like a viable prospect. With years of experience and a more intellectual approach than the ‘ABR’ flavours of the month, Gingrich seemed like he could fill the void which the previous candidates had left.
But the problem with Gingrich is the same as the problem with the other, aforementioned candidates; being that he has more skeletons in his closet than a biology lecturer. A serial adulterer, who “divorced his first wife when she was recovering from cancer, when he was already bedding Marianne, the mistress who became his second wife but was ditched in her turn for Callista, his present one.” Whatsmore, he has also accusations of undeclared earnings, and violations of tax rules.
So with Gingrich having a very possible meltdown on the horizon, the question is; who else is left?
Huntsman on paper looks like a great candidate. Someone who has received endorsements by Republican heavyweights such as Tom Ridge, as “the only candidate with demonstrated success at the state, national and international levels”, years of experience in the foreign office, a fluent speaker of Mandarin and demonstrating moderate positions on such divisive subjects as climate change and evolution; you’d think he would be a favourite amongst the electorate. You’d be wrong.
Huntsman appears to have the crippling issue that has dogged many a Republican governor; that of being competent at his job. Regularly polling last, one major hindrance of Huntsman’s campaign has been in the strong red states, where they have reportedly been put off by his intellectual approach, his attempts at bi-partisanship and – apparently – his ability to speak Mandarin. Yes, that’s right, BEING BI-LINGUAL IS APPARENTLY A NEGATIVE! I don’t know whether the residents of Topeka, Kansas think he’s an undercover Chinese agent who is going to start a cultural reform in The US, but the issue with his experience and background has got so bad, that Huntsman is considering running as an independent candidate.
Ron Paul has been part of the Republican party forever. Part of me thinks he predates the founding fathers, which is ironic, as his moralistic platform of winning an election on honesty and intellectual consistency probably would have worked 200 hundred years ago. Ron Paul is a pure, by the book Capitalist, which is why he is at odds with a number of Republican voters, being that most of them aren’t Capitalist, more ‘Americanist’. He’s anti-war and anti-bailouts, which pits him against both the moonshine drinking rednecks and the corrupt Wall Street millionaires that make up 90% of the Republican party, which means that, despite being the purest ‘Republican’ of the lot, he hasn’t got a hope in hell of winning.
Rick Santorum is a committed homophobe and complete plum. Known mainly for his frequent bashing of the gay community, he incurred the wrath of a gay group skilled in SEO and the web, who responded by making this the top result on Google when you search for ‘Santorum’ or ‘Rick Santorum’.
Santorum 1. The frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex. 2. Senator Rick Santorum.
Which is just fantastic. Search for it, honestly. Best laugh you’ll have all day.
Anyway, he won’t win, but he’s still running. Which is great for him, and great for everyone else, as it allows a tedious way to plug spreadingsantorum.com.
Tim Pawlenty pulled out of the elections at an early stage for personal reasons, which is a shame, as he is responsible for THE GREATEST ADVERT IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD! IT’S BETTER THAN ANYTHING YOU’VE EVER SEEN, EVER!
So that is what’s going on in the race to be the loser to Barak Obama in the 2013 elections. Who will be the lucky person voted to represent the party in their losing effort? Only time will tell……
……Mitt Romney will. Alright. It’s going to be Mitt Romney. Just accept it and move on. Christ.