It’s week 5 and we return to the Academy with a mixture of trepidation and disgust. What will the Kings of Men be up to this week, and will they finally learn the error of their ways? Er….probably not.

The Tools awake, and Ritchie is nervous about coming face to face with Jenna in the classroom. This week’s lesson is Affection. This is going to be amazing. Jenna and Ritchie do not look very affectionate. As Dr. Scott talks it becomes apparent that when she says affection she means sex. By this point it has become apparent that Ritchie and Jenna have so little affection for each other that the class will have to take time out for Ritchie to apologise for his terrible behaviour, and maybe answer some questions from Jenna about his ‘other woman’,

‘How long was it?’ asks Jenna, presumably referring to her boyfriend’s relationship with the other woman.

‘We weren’t together,’ responds Ritchie.

‘How long was it?’

‘We weren’t together.’

‘How long was it, I’m asking you’

‘When we weren’t together.’

‘How long is that?’

And so on. It is clear that the period that they ‘weren’t together’ is up for dispute.

‘It’s like you’re pushing me to give up’, wails Jenna, ‘a normal girl would have given up by now.’

YES! Finally the penny drops. Ritchie is on his last chance now, the last of thousands. With that all cleared up, Dr. Scott can proceed with the class. It’s time for SEX EDUCATION, and Dr Scott introduces ‘Sexpert’ Rachel Morris (I hate that non-word). The Tools giggle like ten year olds every time she mentions the words ‘bedroom’ and ‘sex’. Then she announces that they’ll be marking their sex life out of ten. Drama Tool sniggers. I don’t think anyone’s going to be laughing in a minute, least of all him.

The couples write down their scores and reveal them one at a time, starting with Naked Tool Billy and his girlfriend. All is well there, with them awarding a 10/10 and a 9/10 respectively. Things are not so rosy in bed with Houdini Mo as girlfriend Kelsey awards their sexy times a 5. Mo was under the impression that they were an 8/10 (sometimes a 10). Mo is not impressed, but apparently he’s to blame because he gets too excited too soon. Aaah, bless. This is perhaps a time to remain silent, and accept that you are a 5. However, desperate to explain himself, Mo reveals that the blame for his poor performance rests entirely with Kelsey’s massive arse and its extreme attractiveness. Once again Mo; you are on national television. This is the time to shut up.

Moving on now to Idle Tool Leon. He awards a 6, and girlfriend Kim goes for a 7.5. They seem well suited and long may they continue to have adequate sex together. Leon, also not realising that this is a time to be quiet, reveals that he is freaky and likes all that edible body paint and stuff. Awkward. What is also awkward is when Drama Tool Adam and his girlfriend both reveal the same score, a 5/10.

‘I’d be celebrating the fact that you both gave the same score,’ says Rachel, ‘if it wasn’t so low.’

The couple laugh, but they’re clearly crying inside.

‘It’s the fact that Adam doesn’t have the drive,’ explains Kerri.

‘I’m like Austin Powers, I’ve lost my Mojo,’ is Adam’s pitiful excuse.

They laugh again, in an attempt to stop the tears. ‘It’s like having a gay best friend,’ sighs Kerri, ‘you just have your cuddles and your laughs and there’s no sexual activity at all.’ Now, I’m no sexpert, but I’m pretty sure that if you associate your boyfriend with the phrase ‘gay best friend’ you should probably do a quick check of his browsing history.

It’s time for Power Tool Chris and often angry girlfriend Kelly to reveal their scores now, they are both 6/10s. That’s only marginally better. Are they gay too? No, apparently the problem is that Kelly wants too much sex, and they were often going to Travel Lodges just to hook up. Power Tool felt used, and likes to take things slowly, perhaps going to the cinema or for a nice meal first. He likes to be romanced. Aww. Ritchie and Jenna both return high scores, obviously there’s a reason why continue to torture each other. A sexy reason. Finally, it’s Debt Tool Daniel and girlfriend Alana, and Alana scores them just 4.5/10. The lowest score, even lower than the gay best friends. Sort it out Daniel!

The next part of the lesson involves puppets of the couples that they have to put in their favourite sexual positions. Drama Tool and Kerri’s puppets just lie on their backs next to each other not touching. They really do have a problem. It is now time for the couples to have one-ones with Rachel, and Ritchie and Jenna go first. The puppets prove a useful tool for Jenna to demonstrate Ritchie trying to stick it in when she’s just lying in bed, not even facing him. Is this really the sex life she gave 9/10? Ritchie of course has a different view on things. Perhaps Power Tool Chris has a better idea of his girlfriend’s needs….oh. Chris doesn’t like giving oral sex, even though he regularly gets a 15 whole minutes himself.

‘You always throw a strop when things don’t go your way in the bedroom,’ complains Chris.

‘But when do things ever go her way?’ asks Rachel, quite reasonably.

Up next is Naked Tool Billy, and his girlfriend wants to talk about intimacy, and the lack of it. Billy is apparently a fan of ‘visual aids’. Outside, Chris and Kelly are still debating oral sex, which Chris doesn’t see as necessary. Except for himself.

Now it is time to join Drama Tool and his girlfriend on their quest for his missing mojo (this could be a whole spin off series). Kerri reveals that she regularly walks around half naked and does provocative moisturising in order to arouse Adam, with no result. Adam brings out his tired old excuses about being too comfortable in the relationship, but sexpert Rachel is having none of it. She knows there’s something he has to face up, some reason why he doesn’t find his girlfriend attractive. I don’t know what that reason could be, but I think he would be a lot happier if he thought about his life and finally came out with whatever it is.

Leon attempts to convince Rachel that liking the 69 position makes him freaky, and Mo claims that Kelsey wants to have sex eight times a day. Poor worn out Mo. And outside Chris and Kelly are still arguing about their amazing sex life.

It’s task time now, and the couples are dressing up in school uniforms and snogging behind the bike sheds while baked beans are thrown at them. It’s basically a snogging endurance test. I feel a bit sick. Kelly and Chris are disqualified after 45 minutes, but Kelly is still angry. You were kissing for 45 minutes! After One hour and 12 minutes, only two couples were left, and Rick Edwards brings out the stinking gunge. When that doesn’t work, he pours baked beans over their faces. I might actually be sick. At one hour and fifty minutes, Naked Tool Billy and his girlfriend are the winners.

It’s finally expulsion day- who will just be a Tool today? The moment has come. This week, they are asking the Tools who they think should go. Shockingly, no one says Adam for his lack of bedroom ability, and it is Ritchie, Daniel and Chris who face expulsion. In the end, and fittingly, it is Ritchie who is just a Tool. I don’t think that he and Jenna are going to be together for much longer. Just a hunch really.

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