History’s Greatest Moustaches by Tim Ward

In celebration of the closure of Movember, here at Cows HQ we decided to celebrate the gentlemen from history whose faces adorned the finest facial hair know to mankind.

The measure of a man is his moustache, and so below are five of the finest top-lip hairlines from history.

Tom Selleck 

Probably the finest moustache every to grace television was worn expertly by Tom Selleck in Magnum PI. I mean look at it.

No man has ever looked so manly

Wow. That is one magnificent moustache. And when combined with the open-shirt/hairy chest makes it the moustache look all real men strive for. But it wasn’t just solving crimes in Hawaii – oh no – Selleck’s slick ‘tache has graced Three Men and a Baby, Friends, and er, other stuff. To really appreciate how good this moustache is, have you seen Selleck without one?

Exactly

Timothy Dalton in Flash Gordon

Before Timothy Dalton became the best ever Bond [he is - he really is] he marauded his way in the galaxy of Mongo with the finest goddamn moustache in the flick.

Now, bare in mind, this is a film that features Brian Blessed. He is a man with arguably the greatest all round facial hair in history so you’ve got to come up with something special to come close to Blessed. Dalton did.

"M, I'm going undercover as a fucking awesome man."

Not content with looking bloody awesome, Dalton endeavoured to act the fuck out of every scene he was in – swearing, yelling, fighting, flirting, loving – he was a man of all trades in Flash Gordon. And all because of the ‘tasche.

Nigel Mansell

Nigel Mansell’s moustache won the 1992 Formula 1 World Championship.

The Man ; The Mansell ; The Moustache

Salvador Dali

Salvador Dali was a bit mental. A Spanish surrealist painter with a penchant for melting clocks. But, you know, if you’re a surreal painter in 1930s France, how are you meant to be noticed in the street? I mean, sure people will know your work but how do you make sure that when you walk down the street people look at you and say “Huh. Must be a Spanish surrealist artist.”

You do this:

"Huh. Must be a Spanish surrealist artist"

See?

Hulk Hogan

In the 1980s Hulk Hogan helped bring professional wrestling to the main-stream. With its over the top storylines, characters and ramble of inbred red-neck followers, Hogan along with the WWF, as it was then known, rocketed into the limelight.

And he owes it all to his moustache. You think I’m wrong? Well, ask any person with a good knowlegde of ‘sports entertainment’ who the best ever wrestlers are, Hogan will be no where near. How about the most charismatic? Nope. Athletic? Nah. Most loved? Not really. The only explanation for Hogan’s influence and heralded appearances in wrestling is his facial hair. I mean who can compete with that?

What are YOU going to do when Tachamania runs wild on you? Well?

Special mentions to Adolf Hitler and predictably, a cheap dig at Ann Widdecombe or something.

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