The X Factor 2011: Episode 7 by sel

So before we start on this week’s debacle, a quick word about last week. The astute amongst you will have noticed that there were no words from me on the subject. That’s because I was super busy last week and simply didn’t get round to watching it. And you know what? I didn’t particularly care. I called it that Amelia Lily would be back and I could’ve called it that Kitty would be gone. I didn’t need to see it. That’s one of the things wrong with X Factor this year.

Anyway, this week and it’s Movie Theme night which means LITERALLY any song that’s ever been committed to a soundtrack could be sung.

Dermot comes out doing his awkward dancing with some gold spandex clad girls. How did this become a thing? Poor Dermot.

Oh look. Judges. Apparently Ofcom are investigating Tulisa for advertising with her annoying arm. I didn’t even know she had a perfume out until I read that they were investigating her for possibly advertising it with her arm so that’s worked well hasn’t it?

Biscuit Boy Craig is on first. He seems to think that it’s a shock that all the finalists are going on the X Factor tour. He clearly didn’t read that part of his contract. He’s singing ‘Licence To Kill’ out the side of his mouth. He is killing it. Killing all of us with the crushing boredom that is oozing from him. This is one of the worst Bond themes ever. What was Gary thinking other than making sure that he sucked all life from the room into his Vortex Of Joylessness? Louis agrees with me that it was a rubbish song choice as does perfume peddler Tulisa. Kelly can’t even be bothered to form a sentence. Gary seems to think that the song choice has nothing to do with the singing which is clearly bollocks.

Sulky Twee Janet from The Field Of Despairing Loneliness is next. She hates pop music because she’s weird and different and a bit of a stroppy bitch. Oh look, she doesn’t like what the stylists have picked for her either. Whatever. She’s singing ‘Kiss Me’ in a dress that surely the stylists gave her because they hate her. This isn’t a stretch for Janet because the original was all twee and breathy as well. Blarg. Louis likes her because she’s Celtic. Tulisa thinks she should be more epic. Gary thinks she’s better than she has been. Oh and that the song choice makes a difference to her. Don’t make me punch you Gary. Kelly says words including Boom Boom. I think she might be drunk or whacked out on Valium.

46 year old Amelia Lily is on now. She seems to be surprised that she was allowed back. She clearly didn’t read that part of her contract. She’s singing ‘Think’ which was apparently in ‘Bridget Jones’ Diary’. I’ve never seen it so I wouldn’t know. She Aguileras her way through it and it’s ok. Now that Actual Aguilera is turning into a hot mess, Amelia is perfectly placed to fill the gap. Well done her. Louis correctly points out she’s the comeback girl. Well done Louis. I hope he goes completely off message now he has no acts left. Tulisa didn’t know what the song was thereby denying all knowledge of Aretha which is heresy. Gary thinks it was a semitone too high. Yes. Kelly really is struggling with words.

Dermot spots David Walliams in the crowd who says what we’re all thinking in that he wants Johnny Robinson back. And that he likes Little Mix. Good. Lara Stone doesn’t look like she knows what’s going on which may speak for their marriage, who knows.

This week in an attempt to connect her to the public, Misha gets to have a sob about her estranged mum blabbing to Pick Me Up or whatever about wanting to get back in touch with her. Boohoo. Oh wait! Kelly is estranged from her father [I still love the rumour that Beyonce’s dad is also Kelly’s dad] and so there’s lots of tears. Blah. She’s singing something from ‘The Bodyguard’. Crack is whack Misha, don’t do it. Maybe she should though because this is boring. Where’s the rapping and the whacked out hair? Oh she’s crying again. Bleh. Louis wants people in Manchester to vote for her. Tulisa thinks everyone should pick up their phone for her which isn’t the same as actually using it to vote for her is it? Gary disagrees with everyone not voting for her. Gary also misses crazy Misha which restores him a little in my eyes.

Little Mix have been to see The Saturdays to inspire them. Inspire them to what I don’t know – ill advised liaisons with footballers, rehab and unplanned pregnancy seems to be what The Saturdays are all about. But hey, they get the good lucks off of the Twilight people. And they get to sing En Vogue. Badass. I can’t say anything mean about Little Mix because they are aces. They look great and sound great. It is clearly the best thing that has happened so far. Everyone agrees with me for once.

Time for spiv tached Marcus. He gets to meet Rebecca Ferguson. I bet that was a rock’n’roll barrel of laughs. No, no it wasn’t, was it? He’s singing that song from ‘Ghostbusters 2’ with the Statue of Liberty bit. He’s appropriately dressed in pink. Nice job stylists – which isn’t a phrase you’ll hear often from me. It’s all a bit doo wop and gospel and alright actually. The judges say words at him and it’s all over.

In the results show, we get to look forward to Rebecca Ferguson. Won’t that be a pip?

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