The X Factor 2011: Episode 7 Results by sel

Results show! Recaps! Rebecca Ferguson! RHHHHHIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAANNNNA! Lovely.

Dermot doesn’t have to do the dancing on the results show which is a blessing in many ways. Here are the judges. Kelly’s BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBS are back representin’ y’all. Or something. Anyway, they’re there.

Sing-Song-Mime-Along time! They’re doing ‘When You’re Gone’ by Bryan Adams and Scouse Spice. I don’t know why they didn’t do the Sing-Song-Mime-Along from the start. It is gloriously awful. Janet is making no effort with this tawdry pop song. Misha looks like she’s come as one of Salt’n’Pepa. Oh but wait! Actual Bryan Adams! Doing Guitar Miming but Actual Singing. Amaze. Oh. It turns out he’s only here because he’s got a tour and Greatest Hits to promote. His advice is to perform live and write your own songs – clearly missing the whole point of the X Factor. He also well fancies 46 year old Amelia Lily.

After the interminable recap, Dermot continues with this awkward backstage chatting. He asks Little Mix about their good luck ritual which apparently involves pulling a face. Inneresting. God, they’re all so dull.

They obviously learnt from Rebecca Ferguson. Look, here she is with all her highlights which mainly involve her being on X Factor. Can you guess what she’s doing for her performance? Standing still with her eyes closed you say? Three housepoints to you. She’s singing her Radio 2 friendly ditty about love or whatever. It sounds quite background muzak until you realise that she might have co-written it about Zayn from Wand Erection. Think about that for a minute. Freaked out yet? Yeah…

We’ll ignore the awkward chatting between the judges and Dermot and prepare for Rhianna. She’s got FACTS coming out her ears even though she only has one, maybe two, truly aces songs. This song she’s singing is not one of them. But wait! She’s wearing Actual Clothes! You can’t see her pants! Or her bra! Do we think she got the memo about having to cover up a bit because she was a bit smutty last time round? Oh Rhianna, this song sucks. I’d have rather watched video of when Wand Erection sang ‘Only Girl In The World’ and it was amazing.

Whatever, it’s Actual Results time now. Carrying on with their hopes of becoming Britain’s Next Top Leon Jackson are Misha and Little Mix first, with Marcus and Janet. That leaves Biscuit Boy Craig and 46 year old Amelia Lily to sing off.

Craig’s up first to sing, erm, something ballady out the side of his mouth. Poor Biscuit Boy. He’s proper dull. If I was in the bottom two, I’d be singing something properly amazing like ‘Love Machine’. Amelia sings ‘You and I’ by Lady Gaga which suits her and will make the judges’ decision rather easy.

Gary thinks Amelia shouted her way through and that Craig was ace. Well he would do wouldn’t he? Of course he saves Craig. And of course Kelly saves Amelia. That predictability out the way, we can find out what Tulisa thinks. She tries to make out she’s torn before she sends Amelia home. What will Louis do? He has nothing vested in this anymore so you know what he’s going to do.

DEADLOCK!

Huh, whaddya know? Turns out song choice does count and Craig’s sent home based on the public vote. Farewell Biscuit Boy Craig. We’ll think of you for a second whilst we munch our way through a packet of hobnobs.

Everyone gets to sing two songs next week. Can you wait? Oh you can. Right. What about it I tell you Olly Murs and Jessie J are going to be on the results show? You’re busy that day? Washing your hair? Oh. I don’t blame you.

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