It’s week four, King of Men seems a long, long time ago and our Tools are no closer to becoming men. It is with despair that I prepare to face a full hour of sheer childishness and men getting their cocks out.

The episode kicks off with some of the Tools all taking one for the team and getting tattoos. Tattoos that say ‘Tool Academy 2011′. Yes, they have chosen to brand themselves for life as a Tool. Rick Edwards is not making them do this. Let us just absorb that for a moment, before moving on to this weeks lesson; perception. In order for the Tools to see how others perceive them, they will view the footage of their terrible behaviour on the King of Men night out. Their girlfriends will also be watching, but I’m sure it’s not anything they haven’t seen before.

Drama Tool Adam is seen asking a group of women, ‘who says we have girlfriends?’ Power Tool Chris disgusts Kerry by pretending to be single. That’s right, she’s DISGUSTED, for at least the fiftieth time. Leon, Idle Tool, is also behaving inappropriately, but at least he is only giving his number to a lady, whereas Ritchie is seen actually kissing another girl. ‘You always go for the same types of skanks,’ spits girlfriend Jenna, presumably not including herself in this.

Naked Tool Billy knows what’s coming before the footage of him snogging another girl’s face off comes on screen. His girlfriend doesn’t even seem to care, which is perhaps slightly worrying. I don’t know, I’m no relationship expert. Dr Scott is however, and she has worrying news to report. One of the Tools is here under false pretences; he has contacted another girl only three days ago. Three guesses as to who this is… TWO-TIME TOOL! Girlfriend Jenna runs out of the classroom, closely followed by her obnoxious boyfriend. He storms around the house, shouting at the camera and throwing water. Everything is everyone else’s fault. Eventually, after a blazing row, the couple return to the classroom, but seem even less in love than ever. Which is really not in love, at all.

The lesson ends, and it is time for today’s task. The girls have to sit in gunge tanks while the boys answer questions about them. Yes, gunge! It’s like 1994 all over again, but without Dave BP. As Ritchie refused to participate in the last challenge he has to swap places with Jenna and take the gunging. Questions include ‘what is your girlfriend’s favourite food.’ Unfortunately Houdini Tool Mo is incorrect, ’I've got parmo’, Rick responds sadly. ‘I’m fucking from Middlesbrough, what do you expect?’ shrieks Kelsey

Unsurprisingly Mo and Kelsey are the losers and have to scrub up the gunge with toothbrushes while winner Sleepy Tool and his girlfriend enjoy a romantic naked sushi meal. As Sleepy Tool is naked, I think I’d rather take the loser’s prize.

Shockingly one of the Tools has decided to leave. Even more shockingly, it’s not Ritchie and Jenna. Instead we bid fair well to Dual Tool and his girlfriend. He is a low profile Tool, and we will probably never even notice he’s gone. Dual Tool who?

Expulsion day is now upon us, and we’ve reached the half-way point. Only six Tools will fight on, and all the Tools are desperate to stay and work on their relationships (and win £25,000). Ritchie, Daniel and Yohann are the three Tools who are flagged up for a telling off from Dr. Scott. Ritchie somehow gets kudos for deciding to stay at Tool Academy to work on his relationship (and to win £25,000). Daniel slips through the net, despite being boring, and it is Yohann who is JUST A TOOL.

‘You’re the Tool, mate’, Yohann mutters to no one in particular, before stumbling off to face his girlfriend. She is also not impressed, and removes her stilettos so she can storm out. Hopefully she went onto beat Yohann about the face and head, maybe even to death, with them on the way home. This is the only explanation I can imagine for the eerie post-eviction silence and lack of reaction that ensued.

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