However deeply we believe it would be better to look away, we must return to the Tool Academy this week and face the evil within. It is important that we educate ourselves on the extent of man’s potential to go horribly wrong; we need to make sure this never happens again.

It’s week 3 at the mansion and the Tools are learning about communication; namely that communication does not just extend to shouting ‘fuck’ in your girlfriend’s face (Just to note: within seconds of the show starting I saw two actual cocks- shouldn’t I be getting some sort of compensation for my eyes?). The Tools sit hunched and shamefaced behind their desks, clearly intimidated by Dr. Sandra, the world’s least terrifying authority figure.

She questions the Tools on the communication between them and their girlfriends. The overriding theme seems to involve the Tools not listening to anything their girlfriends say, so now they will face cross examination by an expert interrogator who will ask them questions put by their girlfriends. Unfortunately said interrogation does not involve use of the rack, despite there being a genuine shortage of tall men in the UK.

The girlfriends are, of course, watching the Tool’s interrogation SO LET THE FUN BEGIN. The ‘expert interrogator’ is in fact an actor, and the heart monitor the Tool is connected to is also fake. First up is Leon, and girlfriend Emma is shocked to learn that he has kissed other girls during their relationship. This is amazing; if only Jeremy Kyle filmed his lie detector tests. Billy charmingly swears on his Mum’s life that he has been totally faithful to his girlfriend while almost certainly lying, and Chris tells females that he single while in nightclubs. It appears that most of the girlfriends operate the ‘three strikes and you’re not out’ policy towards infidelity. Unfortunately Chris’ number turns out to be seven; over twice the acceptable number of ‘slip-ups’.

The Tools file back into the classroom to face the music. The girls are not happy, particularly Jenna. Boyfriend Ritchie doesn’t seem to understand why his girlfriend is so upset. THEY WERE ON A BREAK. It’s onto task day and Ritchie continues to wind up Jenna with his insolent words, until he earns himself a slap. The task is for the Tools to write a love poem before donning armour and reading it out in the style of Lancelot wooing Guinevere. This challenge caused problems for some, ‘I don’t know Shakespeare language,’ complains Mo, ‘I don’t even know English, let alone Shakespeare.’

Ritchie refused to participant in the challenge, whining and complaining about how his girlfriend has treated him, before asking out one of the female producers for a drink. The other Tools manage to win their girlfriends with their weak, pathetic offerings. It terrifies me how easily impressed these girls are. One moment your boyfriend is confessing that he cheated on you seven times, the next it’s fine because he was forced to write you a piss-poor poem. The winner of the task was Mo, who got to share a romantic meal, while Daniel and his girlfriend Alana look on imprisoned in the stocks as losers of the task.

The next day Ritchie and Jenna meet with Dr Scott and decide that their relationship is worth saving. I not sure where they’ve been for the last two days. Their relationship is terrible and it makes me miserable to watch them. It is now time for the Tools to commune and find out which of their number will be thrown on the heap of failure. Surprisingly, Ritchie fails the communication module.

So has Colin, Daddy Tool, and it is him who is JUST A TOOL. Possibly because his ‘love poem’ included the line ‘and you fucked me.’ His girlfriend Nicky is the only one I actually feel sorry for as they have a daughter together. She’s tied to Colin forever, a useless lump of lard hanging around her neck, stinking and oozing as he gradually drags her down to share his foetid gutter. Poor love.

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