So last night was fairly average. It’s a good job they have a ridiculously long catch up as I can barely remember what happened. This doesn’t bode well for the two acts who have to go home, does it? It’s ok though, we’ve got JLS and Florence and her machines to stomp all over the place like some kind of marauding Decpticons.

The judges are all holding hands as they come out because they all get on, right? RIGHT? Ok.

Group sing-song-mime-a-long time! They’re doing ‘Price Tag’ by Jessie J. They’re endearingly awful at miming. It’s brilliant. Almost as brilliant as watching Janet trying to act pleased about singing such a song. She’s too angsty and angry for such pop frivolity. Kitty is wearing some kind of gold sequin leotard thing with baggy sleeves. Kitty is starting to make me think it’s ok to leave the house in gold sequin hotpants. I need to stop this line of thinking right now. It’s not a good look for anyone.

And so to the catch up from last night. Ah yes, Johnny had the wrong songs, Janet got angry at everyone thinking she was a bit rubbish at tweeing up the Jackson 5. The Risk happened. They’ve suddenly occupied Sophie’s place as forgettable act. That’s not a good sign is it? Marcus was definitely the stand out for all the right reasons while Frankie was the stand out for all the wrong reasons again.

It’s time for JLS who are possibly the best thing to come out of X Factor since it started. In fact, they’re the only good thing which is a bit worrying isn’t it? Apart from Wagner of course. This song is a bit meh though so I’ve been researching to see what other gems have been spawned from this whole tawdry process. Remember Rhydian and his bleached hair paving the way for Jedward? Or slightly creepy brother-sister combo Same Difference? How about Kerry McGregor or Phillip McGee? No me either.

Anyway, here’s a new thing where Dermot asks the finalists what they think their chances are. They’re all suitably on message apart from Dermot who reveals that Frankie only got half an hour of sleep the night before. Ugh.

Oh and what fresh new hell is this?!?! Marks and Spencer, that venerable old dame of the high street, has launched its Christmas advert. Featuring all the finalists. Including the ones kicked out in the first week. Dear goodness, it’s awful. Come back Dannnnniiiiii and Twiggy, all is forgiven.

Florence And The Machine now. She’s looking a bit severe and seems to have lots of people attached to her shoulder pads via some silk so they can shake it out, which is the name of the song see? INTERPRETIVE DANCE IS NEVER NOT WONDERFUL. This song is a bit meh too. What’s wrong with the guests so far? Only Bruno Mars was vaguely entertaining.

There’s an ad for Steps Greatest Hits. They best be one of the special guests on special guest week.

So, there’s going to be a bottom three this week with whoever came last in the public vote going home straight away before a sing off between the other two. That won’t include Little Mix who are safe, as is Singing Hairdresser Marcus. Good. They were the best two last night. People obviously like Little Tinas as Misha is safe as well and Biscuit Boy Craig. Who next? What? Really? Frankie??? Oh do fuck off. No one looks happy about that, not even Gary. Janet from The Field Of Despairing Loneliness is safe too leaving Kitty, Johnny and The Risk at, er, risk. The Risk are out on public vote which isn’t surprising as they were totally forgettable. There’s boos and shock. They vow to carry on. We’ve all heard that before haven’t we?

It’s a sing off between Kitty and Johnny then. I don’t like this. I like both of them. Johnny is on first, singing ‘Unchained Melody’. This is what Louis should just let Johnny do – just sing and be lovely. I hate this song but Johnny sings the hell out of it.

Kitty is continuing her War On Trousers by not wearing any again. I don’t know what she’s singing but it’s good as well. This is a shame. Kitty has had the most investment so she’s obviously going to stay.

Louis has to pick first which makes sense as they are his acts. He takes forever to send Johnny home. Tulisa looks a bit broken and sends Johnny home as well. Will Kelly save him? No. She’s too busy talking about hats and sends Johnny home too. Sadness. Johnny has been nothing but adorable and looking like he’s really enjoying himself. It has actually moved Louis to tears. Kelly’s crying too. Think on you idiots who voted for Frankie who has been nothing but stupid and awful and unclean.

No matter. Next week sees the return of Wand Erection. And Lady Gaga. SCREAM!

EDIT. So since I wrote this, Frankie has been booted off for breaking a “golden rule” which could mean anything but probably means that he snorted some talcum powder that he bought off a dodgy bloke in some skanky toilets in a bar in Shoreditch thinking it was badass coke. There is also the fact that people very actively dislike him and were starting to make “FIX!” noises which X Factor could really do without again. It’s all a bit of a mess. Especially seeing Kelly be informed by a girl who can barely string a sentence together filming an entertainment new segment. Kelly’s going to cut a bitch for making her look stupid. Anyway, Frankie going probably means that someone will be coming back otherwise there’s a week where there can’t be any eliminations. Put your money on Johnny or Amelia Lily, hope and pray that it’s Wagner.

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