Taking the X out of X-Factor by Tim Ward

The X-Factor has always, always been mental. The overly dramatic music, the faux-sob stories, the awful parade of deluded lunatics in the auditions – and as everyone knows, they’ve already to see Cowell and Co.

Well, this year they have pushed the boundaries of fuck-ups. From beginning to end, the ‘singing’ has been a distraction from all the other shite that’s been going on.

Shall we explore what exactly the ruddy heck has been going on?

• Laughing at the mentally deficient

Serial auditionee Ceri Rees [right] is at best deluded, at worse mentally deranged. She has auditioned every year since 2006 and cannot sing. At all. She has no musical talent. At all. And yet, year after year, rather than the X-Factor producers thinking “you know what, let’s not put her on TV this year.” They instead thought “HAHA – THE MAD WOMAN IS BACK! STICK HER ON TV AS SOON AS FUCKING POSSIBLE. In fact, her singing teacher said:

“When they approached her to go back I rang the producers and told them it wouldn’t be good for her. We had a slanging match for half an hour – they spoke to me like mud.”

LOOK! LOOK AND LAUGH! LAUGH AT HER! GO ON LAUGH!

• Wanting to put an ‘hilarious’ novelty act through only for them to piss off

Goldie was a slightly eccentric lady who inexplicably made it through to Judges’ Houses, Louis to be precise. She was a bit different – all hip thrusts and “oriental looking”. Because it would make great TV, the show’s producers Louis put her through to the live shows! She realised that like Jedward and Wagner, she was only in for a joke, and quit before the live shows, resulting in Sami, who could sing being put back in.

• Pick n Mix Groups

When the live shows started, there were four groups in the show. Only one of those was an original group who auditioned for show. By the end of week left, none where left. So in a show encouraging people to audition in groups, not one was left. Each group in the show was a group made up of failed solo singers and bits of other failed groups, like some kind of grotesque Frankenstein’s monster.

• Ignore the public

So, the first live show! Always exciting! The moment the audience have been waiting for! To hear the acts and begin to vote for them! Oh, except this year they decided to make each judge kick out one of their acts after week one. For no reason.

• More comebacks than Lazarus

Ashford auditioned as a solo artist. When he fairly poor at that, he was kicked out. Then, he was offered a second chance! He was pushed in with random people like a loner Fresher moving into a stranger’s house, into Nu Vibe! They were gash! And went in the 2nd week… Then he was offered another fucking chance. This time after General Band Number 3 left The Risk, Ashford was offered to come back. AGAIN. And AGAIN, he failed. He’s unluckier than a three-legged rabbit getting bummed by a black cat under a ladder.

ME AGAIN! What do you mean fuck off?

• Kelly’s sickday and Alexander Burke’s comedy management

We all have those days where we cannot face work, so no one really minded that Kelly was a no show. Except her acts. Two of her three found themselves in the bottom two with bland Sophie Habibis turfed out BY KELLY. Yeah, Kelly mustered enough strength to call from LA to boot out the Boro barmaid. She was replaced in the judges chair by Alexander Burke – she’s won this thing, so knows her shi…what? What’s that? Oh, she’s a moron? Oh, OK. Sorry, OK.com, a phrase coined by the very bowels of her demented tongue.

• Frankie Cocozza

As the fine leader of this website said on twitter; “If Russell Brand and Pete Doherty had a child that they fed on a diet of ego and wanking, it’d turn out like Frankie Cocozza”. He couldn’t sing, swaggering about like a massive bellend. He was a walking 2008 indie boy – Russell Brand-hair, leggings, “bad boy” antics. He wasn’t a “bad boy”. He’s a young man who likes to drink and have sex. Christ, I didn’t realise that I was a bad boy too. Or at least tried to be. This, however, blow right up in his face. Frankie this week was booted out of the X-factor after breaking “the golden rule”. That could be drugs, or abusing contestants, or being a total cocklord. Either way he’s out. [Ed's note: It's drugs, the cokey tit.] I bet his mentor Gary Barlow is regretting telling him “don’t you dare behave!” when he stuck him through Judges’ Houses.

Looking at Frankie Cocozza for longer than 3 minutes resultsin a blood lust that cannot be satisfied

• The Shittest Twist of Shit Twists

So after being plunged into another problem, what would be the solution? If you saw last week’s show, you’d know that there was a double elimination – with The Risk and Lazarus Ashford turfed out straight away by public vote and Johnny losing out to Kitty in the judges vote.

Ah, sensible heads on now… you’d bring back Johnny if you were them wouldn’t you? Yeah! Of course! Just bring back Johnny – he was good value, pretty entertaining and he didn’t come bottom of the public vote, so some people like him.

No. No, you’re an X-Factor producer. You instead invite the public to vote who to bring back, from the rejects from Week One. So, hat-bothering Beatles-slaughter James, Bland-as-you-like rent a dope Jonjo, the oldest 16 year old in world Amelia Lily or Mostly-face Essex girls 2 Shoes.

Personally, we wanted Wagner or Jedward back. Or both.

durrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Comments

1. Neil says:

   November 13, 2011 at 11:23 pm

   Let’s face it, the X Factor is a simple, traditional process.

   You start off with hundreds of thousands of demented weirdos and over a process of half a year you weedle that crowd of idiots down to the most normal, sane and incredibly boring one from the lot of them.

   That idiot then goes on to release a Christmas single and then we never hear from them again.

Leave a Reply