IT’S TOOL TIME!

Now that ‘King of Men’ has been exposed as a farce and the participants revealed as TOOLS, it’s time for the Tool Academy term to commence and our tools to begin the long journey to manhood.

It’s the first morning at the academy and the Tools are bemused as to what they have done to deserve this humiliation. Houdini Tool, Mo, puts it perhaps the most eloquently,

‘I just want to hug her and give her a kiss, then smack her arse and ask ‘why have you put me on here, you bitch.’

What a charmer.

While they are at the Academy the Tools will wear the compulsory uniform designed to make them look like idiots and attend lessons with their girlfriends. The first lesson, with Dr. Sandra Scott, involves the Tools cowering behind their desks while their girlfriends come in and tell them why they are tools. This is awkward and upsetting for all. It emerges that Ritchie (two-time Tool) actually broke up with his girlfriend two weeks ago, so is technically single.

‘Yet you’re still here,’ muses Dr. Sandra.

‘Because I didn’t know what the show was,’ Ritchie reasonably replies.

Daddy Tool’s girlfriend claims he doesn’t spend enough time with her and their daughter, surely an unfair assertion, ‘I’ve been with her for just over three years now and I think that we’ve been out about four times,’ Oh.

The main complaints against the Tools are that they are lazy, selfish man whores who don’t treat their girlfriends properly and put themselves first. Every single one of these relationships deserve to fail.

Now it is time for the lesson of the day; five year plans. The girls have written what they want to happen in their lives in the next five years. These plans will be compared with footage of the Tools being interviewed about random things when they thought they were competing to be King of Men. This has been edited to make them look as bad as possible, and will inevitably cause heartbreak.

In five years time Kelsey, Mo’s girlfriend, wants to be a successful businesswoman with a nice house married to charming husband Mo.

‘You sound like you’re reading to kids,’ replies bonafide husband material Mo petulantly.

Power Tool’s girlfriend Kelly breaks down after watching a VT of Chris saying that having a girlfriend holds him back, and he is looking forward to mingling with some women.

It’s been a stressful day, and the Tools return to their bedroom to unwind with a weird, Neanderthal version of Backgammon, that involves slapping each other’s bare asses with flip-flops.

Day Two dawns and it’s time for the first Task. The Tools will be wearing dog costumes and their girlfriends will be erecting kennels for them to live in. The tools will not be able to physically help, only give advice. As flat pack furniture is the natural domain of men, and they are right about how to assemble it every single time, the frustration of not being able to take part soon takes it’s toll. Things really start kicking off between Chris and Kelly as Kelly is unable to assemble the kennel at all and runs crying into the trees.

‘KELLY! Babe! You can’t give up’, wails Chris, as Kelly screams obscenities at the camera crew for filming, and the show itself for making her do something she can’t do.

‘Her eyelashes started falling off, and she’s not used to that treatment,’ Chris reveals the reasons behind Kelly’s meltdown. They actually seem quite well suited. As the punishment for coming last Chris has to take his dinner from a dog’s bowl in his kennel.

‘I’m not eating it,’ he whines, ‘I’ve got my pride.’

Kelly storms off again, leaving Chris on all fours, like a dog. He stands there for a while in the rain, before pushing his bowl away angrily and retreating to cower in his kennel. It looks like Power Tool has already been broken.

Meanwhile, Rick and Sandra to assess the contestants and decide who should stay an indefinite tool, while the unsuspecting Tools are packing which involves a lot of nakedness and stuffing Teen Tool in a suitcase.
The expulsion is upon us! Who is beyond salvation? Mo, Billy and Ritchie all pass the commitment class, despite having faces that I would happily punch repeatedly. Yohann, Chris, Danny and Adam are all selected as the worst Tools who have the most work to do. In the end it is Teen Tool, Danny, who is sent home. He is a Tool, but he is also just eighteen, and most boys are at that age. The other boys seem relieved to still be in the competition, which puzzled me because it’s a pretty degrading process.

Then I remember the prize is £25,000. Oh.

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