The X Factor 2011: Episode 5 by sel

Last week consisted of so much scripted DRAMZ it was almost impossible. Oh and Alexandra Burke. This week promises FIREWORKS (it’s Bonfire Night see? SEE THE LINK DAMMIT!) and Kelly’s back y’all to put everyone down in either a metaphorical or a literal sense, who knows.

This week’s theme is Club Classics and is in no way designed to appeal to the kind of person who listens to Club Classics on Heart while they’re getting ready to neck Bacardi Breezers on a night out. No. Not at all. Dermot’s trying to tell us that there’s not going to be any ballads. Don’t be so sure Dermot, don’t be so sure. Oh and there’s a double elimination because Simon’s panicking a bit.

As an homage to Club Classics, Tulisa abandons her annoying arm thing and attempts some disco moves. Never has a girl looked so uncomfortable dancing. Gary’s got massive 70s lapels on his lord of the manor tweed.
Johnny’s on first. If anyone was made for this theme, it’s him. Louis best have chosen the right song for him. Johnny has hunky male dancers this week and is understandably thrilled by this. So what’s Johnny singing? Oh. Oh dear. He’s got “Hung Up” by Madonna. It’s only a good song because of the Abba sample. Louis would’ve been better picking him an Abba song. But wait! It’s the return of the bizarre two song combo! LORB SHACK! No, it’s “You Spin Me Right Round”. Can you guess what’s happening to Johnny? Of course you can. He’s spinning round on a giant record. His singing is absolutely fine and the audience are whooping it up for him. Tulisa thinks it was predictable – she’s right. Gary hates it. He thinks Louis is ruining Johnny’s chances. Of course he is, it’s what Louis does.

It’s twee Janet from The Field Of Despairing Loneliness now. Her VT is all about how she hates what the stylists pick for her and how she doesn’t want dancers on the stage because that’s not what she does. Kelly’s trying to spin it into a positive but we can tell that she’s just being a bit of a stroppy child. So what’s she tweeing to death this week? “I Want You Back” by the Jackson 5. Super upbeat disco pop fun, no? Not in Janet’s hands. She makes it sound like it should be on the soundtrack to some sub standard Reality Bites type thing from the early 90s. That’s not a good thing. She looks pretty from the neck up though. No one liked it. Except for Louis but he effectively said that he liked it because she’s Irish. Oh and that she put it down. LEAVE IT ALONE LOUIS!

Time for Biscuit Boy Craig. How on earth is he going to do a Club Classic when he is a balladeer? They’re making him dance this week. Craig doesn’t do dancing but at least gives it a go. Hear that Janet? What’s this then? Starting his song off as a ballad? Of course. He’s doing “Heaven” which started off as a ballad before whoever it was got hold of it. Ooh Eurobeat! Dancing! Bless him. He’s having a go and it isn’t all that awful. And he’s not singing out the side of his mouth which has to be classed as an improvement. Kelly calls him Honey Booboo. Everyone else liked it as well they should.

Does Tulisa understand Club Classics? Who knows. The Risk have been treated to a trip to see JLS who are apparently the bastion of boyband success at the moment. One of The Risk gave his number to Nicole Scherasingiishshgaiger. They ask JLS if there’s a gap in the market for them. The short answer is no, JLS occupy it. JLS were classy enough to suggest there might be a space for everybody though. Anyway, what are they singing? “A Night To Remember” of course. It’s played at least 4 times every Saturday on Heart. There’s rapping and I don’t remember a lot of it which is a bit worrying.

LORDY! I’ve only JUST remembered that Sophie Habibis got kicked off last week. Poor Sophie.

Singing Hairdresser Marcus is up now. He used to be in a band called The Marcus Collins Band. How fortuitous was that, finding a band to be in that shared his name? I hope Marcus is doing Movember otherwise there’s no excuse for his spiv tache. Oh it’s all gone black and white. Oh then colour. Presumably to demonstrate that Marcus is singing a really old song in the form of “Reet Petite”. Gary obviously watched Bruno Mars’ performance from the other week very closely and stole lots of ideas. It’s all rather jolly. Everyone liked it. There’s screaming. Well done Marcus.

Louis asks if we’re ready for Kitty. I’m not sure any of us are ever fully ready for Kitty. Kitty’s doing a Madonna song. She wants ziplines and Sister Act 2 and wondering What Would Kitty Do instead of What Would Madonna Do. I might start making wristbands with ‘WWKD’ on them. She’s singing “Like A Prayer” which isn’t really a Club Classic but never mind. Kitty has a choir and clothes on. Oh no she doesn’t. She has a spangly leotard. It’s like she’s allergic to trousers or skirts or anything that doesn’t allow us gynaecological levels of access. I’m sad though. Kitty wasn’t as good as the past couple of weeks. Kelly didn’t like it either. Gary references Buck’s Fizz and tells her she can’t dance. She says she’ll just go home and practice dancing. Good for her. Remember though kids, WWKD?

Ugh. Frankie. He doesn’t know why people are voting for him. No one knows Frankie, no one knows. Gary tells him not to go out and for once he doesn’t. He’s doing “I Gotta Feeling” and of course manages to make it even more annoying than the original. He can’t sing. In time, in tune. Anything. It’s never ending. The same lines again and again like when my 6 year old sings a song and can only remember one line. Argh. The audience boo him and Louis tells him he’s awful and shouldn’t be here. Tulisa didn’t like it either. Kelly thinks the only thing he’s lacking is a decent vocal which is a pretty big thing to be lacking. Gary admits he got the wrong song and thinks he shouldn’t be booed. He wouldn’t be if he wasn’t awful in all senses.

Anyway, it’s time for Misha now. Kelly felt sick at her being in the bottom two. Sorry, MORE sick than she already obviously was. Misha’s family have come to see her. There’s crying and Coldplay. Misha’s singing “Proud Mary”. If she doesn’t do some crazy Tina stomping I’ll be disappointed. Ah look, there she goes. At least she knows now that she could have a career as a Tina impersonator. It’s good which is more than can be said for her pleather leggings. Everyone liked it and the fact she has normal hair instead of a rhino horn. Kelly malfunctions a bit and can only say hello a lot.

Who haven’t we had yet? Ah yes. Little Mix. Apparently we don’t know anything about Little Mix so we have to have little introductions to them all. They go to see Jessie J who makes them go up on stage in a slightly uncomfortable looking singalong. They’re singing “Please Don’t Stop The Music”. They manage to harmonise and dance and all the kinds of things that you’d expect girl groups to be able to do. Very good. The judges like it and Gary gets in a jibe about them stealing Johnny’s clothes because they’re wearing foil.

And that’s that. With two people going what will happen? Who will it be? Well of course it should be Frankie. That’s a given. I’d add The Risk to him too simply because I can’t even remember what they look like never mind what they sang.

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