Tool Academy Season 2: Episode 1 by Hannah

LADIES! It’s time to meet the 2011 tools. Don’t be afraid, it’s OK, we have nice Rick Edwards to guide us through and keep us safe. The newest batch of tools have been persuaded to appear as tools through the medium of lies; they think they are competing on a show called ‘King of Men’ presented by Olympic Athlete Iwan Thomas. The fact that they believe that they are the best men the UK can offer only serves the highlight what huge Tools they are. They board a double decker ‘party bus’ and head off on a big night out.

Sadly, it’s now time to meet the first three tools. Adam a.k.a Drama Tool thinks he’s slept with hundreds of woman. Billy (Naked Tool) is also a hit with the ladies, if those ladies enjoy orange men wearing a variety of vests. Power Tool Chris’ success rate with women is apparently 100%. His girlfriend Kelly thinks he is perfect, and would only change couple of things about him. The lying and the cheating. Is that all?

It’s back on the party bus and I’m already disturbed by the number of vests on display. The Tools are unleashed on a West End bar filled with ladies to tempt them into toolish behaviour. As the Kings of Men pour vodka down their throats, lets meet some more Tools. There are so many. Sigh.

Yohan is to be known as Sleepy Tool because…er….he likes to sleep. Yep, that’s the extent of his ‘thing’. James is Duel Tool; ‘I always put myself first, but I think that’s a good thing sometimes.’ By putting himself first, James means lying to his long-term girlfriend about what he gets up to at uni. Unfortunately for him, Facebook exists. Hairdresser Ritchie is Two-Time Tool, despite going out with girlfriend Jenna for two years. He is a charming gentleman with a gravity defying blow-dry who will happily break up with girlfriend for a week or two in order to cheat with a clear conscience. For some reason she puts up with this.

Another MASSIVE TOOL is Daniel (Debt Tool) who loves to spend his girlfriend’s money. She has nominated him because she’s fed up of supporting him. Idle Tool Leon (not to be confused with Sleepy Tool- keep up!) can’t be bothered to spend time with his girlfriend because she lives in South London and he lives in North London. Richard is Joy Stick Tool, and he thinks his broad shoulders are his best feature. His girlfriend thinks he should spend less time on his PlayStation and more time doing actual things in the real world, like going on holiday. Colin, Daddy Tool, is always ‘up town’ chatting up ladez despite having a two year daughter. Oh, and he’s 31. WHAT A TOOL.

Meanwhile, the ‘Kings of Men’ have gone feral, and we’ve seen the first hairy man arse. Predictably none of the tools think of their girlfriends at home as they attempt to make the most of the last moments of their night out by lifting up girl’s skirts, lying about their relationship status and snogging any girl they see. Daddy Tool has peaked too soon and is passed out on the sofa. He is rescued by OLYMPIC ATHLETE Iwan Thomas M.B.E, who gets him to the toilet in time for epic vomiting. In no one’s imagination could Daddy Tool ever be a King of Men. Meanwhile outside Billy is an…er….Naked Tool, resulting in the second ass sighting of the evening.

MORE TOOLS!

Mo: Tool

Little Danny bears the imaginative nickname of Teen Tool. He has the emotional maturity and coherent communication skills of the teenager he is. I can’t help thinking that his girlfriend might find it easier and quicker in the long run to dump him and start dating a twenty-five year old. We also have Mo-Houdini Tool- who disappears for days on end after popping out to the shop, reappearing hung-over and demanding to be looked after. I suggest that his girlfriend changes the locks.

On the bus on the way home from the club, Richard decides to take matters into his own hands and prove his ‘King of Men’ status by piercing his scrotum with a ring pull. No one knows why he does this, except that perhaps he is so intoxicated that he currently cannot feel pain. Perhaps he will feel differently now it’s the morning after…..OH MY GOD SOMEONE SHAVED OFF HALF OF RICHARD’S EYEBROW! He decides to go home. No mention is made of his scrotum.* The remaining Tools are driven to a coach park in Weston Supermare to be told about their first ‘King of Men’ challenge, which will be to perform a strip act for a hen party. They are all pretty much already half naked or wearing vests, so it doesn’t worry them. However, their confidence evaporates as they oil themselves up and the fake hen party arrives. However, the Tools remain oblivious to the fact that they have entered the Tool Academy mansion, and their girlfriends are hidden in the room next door. This is going to be massively AWKWARD.

The strip act commences, and the girlfriends have to watch their Tools stripping and flirting with the audience. When they finish Iwan continues with the pretence of the ‘King of Men’ contest, the Tools standing on the stage in scanty pants, seriously believing that they are the best and strongest men in the UK. I’ve grown kind of found of them over the last hour, like really shit dogs that refuse to be house-trained and have to be dumped by the canal. I pity them, briefly.

The tools stand nervously on the stage, waiting to find out who is being eliminated from this fake TV programme, when SUDDENLY Rick Edwards appears. He delivers the shocking blow that King of Men does not exist. Iwan quickly makes himself scarce. The Tool Academy confetti explodes, the girlfriends are revealed and the Tools look incredibly pissed off. Teen Tool might possibly be crying. Rick Edwards quickly follows Iwan. All of a sudden the Kings of Men don’t seem too keen to be filmed.

It must be a bitter blow to be a King one day and a Tool the next.

Who will man up and stay, and who will run away like a little boy?

We will find out next week!

*At time of writing the state of Richard’s scrotum was unknown.

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