The X Factor 2011: Episode 4 Results by sel

Last night, Louis told Sophie that she sounded like a secretary who sings at weekends, we all had to go to the clap clinic after watching Frankie and Alexandra Burke managed to annoy everyone. Tonight we get Cher Lloyd and Nicole Schersunderererhotzingertowerburger. Oh STOP! You’re spoiling us! Oh wait, they’re not offering us Ferrero Rocher but mediocre pop puppets.

Kelly’s still “ill” so Alexandra “Ok.com babe” is back. Deep joy. At least she doesn’t have to offer much opinion tonight. Tulisa’s back to doing that annoying arm thing. Stop it. Stop it now.

No matter. There’s a Group Sing-Song-Mime-A-Long! Hurrah! They’re doing that bright light city song by Cee-Lo Green. He was on a couple of weeks ago, remember? No, me neither. Anyway, it’s lovely and awful and mimed and great and cringeworthy.

Let’s see what happened last night shall we? Why not. It only happened less than 24 hours ago. I’ve made a cuppa in the time it’s taken them to do that.

But oh look what I’ve come back to. Cher Lloyd. Blimey. Because she’s not an International Popstar, we see bits of stuff from last year. Amazing. Actually, can I share with you that I thought Swagger Jagger would’ve been immense had it not been for that ill advised Clementine bit? Trust me, it would. Anyway, what’s going on now. Erm….. she’s dressed like she’s er…. I don’t even know. There’s colours and a giant bow and a very short skirt. She’s at least singing live though and it’s all a bit strained and dull. No rapping or anything. Booo.

Time for Dermot’s awkward chat with the judges. Tulisa tries to pick a fight with Gary over Biscuit Boy Craig but no one really cares. They really can’t be arsed to even pretend to care this week.

Let’s look at Nicole then shall we? Yes. Especially as she’s bringing the BOOOOOOOOOOOBS game this week in Kelly’s absence. Seriously, she’ll have someone’s eye out if she’s not careful. Her song’s dull too. What’s wrong with these people? Dermot tries very hard not to look at her chestular area. Just give in Dermot, we’re all looking there.

Results now. Keep your fingers crossed that everyone has had a word with themselves and that Frankie is going home. The longer he stays in, the higher my disinfectant bill will be. And so this week, Kitty is safe first. Jolly good. She screams appropriately. The Risk are safe too, presumably because everyone thinks they stand a chance of being part of them. Biscuit Boy Craig is through too and Little Mix. Marcus is safe too which means Frankie can still be going. Hurrahs for Johnny as he’s safe so that’s all the Groups and the Over 25s. The Field Of Despairing Loneliness will have to remain even more lonely as Janet is safe. Surely Misha must be joining her to leave Frankie and Sophie in the bottom two?

Er, no. No she’s not. There’s boos and an ‘OMG’ from Alexandra. Neither Misha nor Sophie look like they can quite believe that disease whore got more votes than them. Sophie is singing for her life first. Well, for her chance at a brief career as a popstar at least. Sophie’s main problem is that she’s boring. So she should do something awesome right? You’d think but no. She sings something boring. I don’t even know what it is. Twitter tells me it’s The XX. Yeah… I still don’t know what that is. If I don’t know then Louis, Tulisa and Alexandra sure as hell won’t know which isn’t a good move.

Misha knows you have to sing something everyone knows so she sings ‘Use Somebody’ by previous oversung bunch Kings of Leon. AND she cries at the end. That’s winning right there.

So now to the judges. Kelly’s on the phone y’all! She’s doing her best phoning in sick voice. Ahem. Ahem. Louis sends Sophie home after banging on about star quality. Tulisa sends Sophie home after not wanting to send either of them home and acting like she wants to drag Frankie out and give him a swift kicking. Kelly doesn’t hang around – she’s ill, y’all – and sends Sophie home. So that’s that. Except Dermot makes Gary say he’d have said Sophie too. Poor Sophie. She was doomed by that awful fringe and her dullness.

Next week, JLS are on. Won’t that be a treat? Toodles!

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