Lord Sugar is back, and he’s been trawling high schools and community colleges for 12 of Britain’s best businesskids.

As always, the series opens with the candidates offering unrealistic appraisals of themselves and alienating the viewers from their first sociopathic words. Sugs calls them into the boardroom and tells them: “I love you lot”. Here we go. He’s confused by two of them being called “Harry”, and inventively calls them Harry M and Harry H.

Their task tonight is to sell a “frozen treat” (i.e. ice cream), that they’ve branded themselves. First though, is team names. The girls suggest “Sixth Sense”, which is rejected for being “odd”, and go with Kinetic. The boys choose Atomic. Hayley and Harry H are project managers.

Kinetic’s choice, an ice cream called “Treat and Trim” (“Treat the lips, trim the hips”) is delightfully dull, and just what the market is screaming out for. Sandi Toksvig lookalike James suggests Atomic dress like pirates. Fair enough.

Sales prediction time, and Hannah has worked out that “three fours are 28″, which bodes well. The boys predictably overstate their sales – at £1 a scoop, they’ll earn a million pounds each if they sell one per second forever.

Haya attempts to negotiate with a stallholder over some bananas: “£2.25 – final offer”. “No.” “£2.50?” Her and Gbemi haven’t bought enough fruit, so Gbemi argues with Hayley over the phone, telling her that it’s “in-possible” to get more, because she’s on her way to a meeting. A mystery meeting THAT WE NEVER SEE. Hayley chucks about 40% of her ice-cream down the drain.

Atomic argue over their pricing on location at The Beach. They decide to undercut everyone, including Makro, and charge £1.50 for one scoop, £2 for two. James wants it even lower, like 20p a vat – they’ll definitely sell it all then.

Kinetic’s approach to pricing is straight out of the EasyJet playbook. 20p for the cone. £2 for the scoop. 30p for some sprinkles. By the time you’ve been given the bloody thing, your £2 cone has somehow cost you the best part of a tenner. As always though, these tasks don’t rely on repeat business, so they can rip off and piss off whoever they like.

Selling happens: Hayley gives a small child a massive scoop with sprinkles, a cone, the works. Without asking their mum. Who is unimpressed, but pays up. Four foot tall Mahamed, who has the largest watch in the world (despite it looking like a chocolate coin), wanders in front of people, stopping them in their tracks, and barking “ICE CREAM?”, which goes down like a wank at a wake.

Despite lobbing away almost half their stock, the girls still have loads left over, which they end up selling for pennies at the end of the day. The boys sell out, apart from a massive vat of watermelon and apple flavour, which bizarrely, nobody’s wanted.

THE BOARDROOM

Harry H was a good team leader, which frees Mahamed and James up to bicker over who decided to play at pirates. Kinetic’s marketing lies (“trim the hips”, do they?) are glossed over, so Alan doesn’t have to ponder the ethics behind advertising, and has a moan about Hayley not being able to add up and them spending half the evening chucking away unsold ice cream.

“Never mind Ben and Jerry, this was more like Tom and Jerry”

Kinetic somehow win, earning £150 more than Atomic. As a treat, they get to go Zorbing. That’s better than any treat the adults have ever had. In the Café of Despair, foor-foot-high Mahamed sits there with his shiny suit and a Coke, while the rest can manage big boy drinks like coffee.

Alan doesn’t like the rubbish watermelon and apple flavour, and is unimpressed with the cheap prices. Mahamed and James continue to squabble over piracy. We’d love to watch Mahamed in his own reality show, and watch his inexplicable aggression over a difficult zip. James continues to big up all the ideas he had, despite the fact that, er, they lost. Mahamed starts bouncing up and down with rage, like he really needs a piss or is about to chin Hewer.

Harry H brings Mahamed and James back, while they carry on bickering. Overtired.

“I think you’ll find I’m no Mr. Softy”

James is supposed to be an economist, so he shouldn’t have fucked up the prices. Harry H should have taken more control as Project Manager. Mahamed is just “delusional”.

And first to be fired is… Mahamed. Balls, he was the right side of annoying. Poor showing, Al.

On the way out, Harry H ignores Mahamed, while James half-arses a handshake.

Mahamed (in his ridiculously shiny suit) promises that one day he’ll be big… in business.

Comments

1. Tim says:

   October 25, 2011 at 10:34 am

   Nah, Mahamed was way over the annoying line for me. So self-deluded he really ought to be in politics. Sugar called him ‘optimistic’ – he should really have just used ‘bare-faced liar’.

   Incidentally, you’ve got to love the way Sugar starts by telling them not to bother pretending to know it all, and then systematically fires them one at a time for not knowing it all.

   I’ve attached a link to my thoughts below. Now if you don’t mind, I just need to work out what three times four is. I’m pretty sure it’s 97 …

   http://slouchingtowardsthatcham.com/2011/10/25/young-apprentice-kinetic-energy-wins-the-day-as-atomic-implode/

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