A Concise History of Conservative and Coalition Cock-ups by Nick Bryans

Just when you think that Londoners can't get any worse, they elect this buffoon.

Your average person on the street thinks that politics is mind-numblingly boring. Why? Because most of the time, politics is mind-numblingly boring. The majority of the country only really cares when a politician is in a tabloid scandal involving a cocaine fuelled orgy, or with a public gaff resulting in a PR disaster.

“Hey, you heard about the results of the Barnsely West bi-election?”

“No, no I haven’t.”

“You heard about that MP who was caught in a hotel room with Vicki Michelle from Allo Allo?”

“Yes, yes of course I fucking have.”

The late 80s/early 90s Conservative Party had all the tact and delicacy of a dildo. Edwina Currie, former cabinet minister, Strictly Come Dancing flop and ‘that woman who had an affair with John Major’, was forced to resign in 1988, after claiming that the majority of British eggs were affected by Salmonella. This caused national outrage amongst farmers in the UK, after her comments caused a rapid decline in egg sales, particularly harming Northern Ireland where egg production made up a large part of the economy. In an attempt to rescue the situation, Currie began the fantastically named ‘National Egg Awareness Campaign’. The campaign was largely the subject of ridicule, and earned her the nickname ‘Eggwina’. The mess certainly left her political aspirations; scrambled (fnarr).

Not wanting to be out-gaffed by Edwina, MP John Gummer had a similar problem on his hands during the BSE crises of 1989. Gummer delayed the ban on beef in 1989 in response to crisis, and in attempt to prove that British beef was still perfectly fine, he attempted to – I shit you not – feed a hamburger to his daughter in front of the press. Conservative MPs really do feel no shame. This backfired spectacularly when she refused to eat it due it being too hot for her, and instead a civil servant took a bite out of it. So calamitous you have to laugh, and forget for a second how much of an arse John Gummer was. So in a sense, maybe it worked…

Where's social services when you need them?

But none of Jon Major’s early 90′s cabinet could hold a candle to MP David Mellor in the criteria of ‘national laughing stock’. This guy rewrote the rule book for ‘turning yourself into a figure of ridicule’. David Mellor, in July 1992, was involved in an extra-marital ‘kiss and tell’ scandal with actress Antonia de Sancha. Now an MP in a sex scandal is nothing new; male cabinet ministers are some of the biggest sluts outside the pornography industry. However, Mellor was a bit…different…in the bedroom. Amongst his bedroom demands were to have several of his toes sucked, and also to have sex whilst wearing his full Chelsea football kit. Outstandingly odd levels of depravity. Now, I know what you are going to say, “But Nick, an exposed cock in a Chelsea shirt? Then how come we witness John Terry ever week without national outrage?” Well unfortunately for Mellor, the Chelsea shirt was just the base of his iceberg of sleaze. ‘Sleazeberg’, if you will. Other scandals including free holidays from questionable sources made his position untenable, with the Sun dubbing Mellor’s time in office as ‘From Toe Job to No Job’. I wonder if he still wears the kit. You know, when he’s ‘doing it’?

These scandals had the opposite effect that you would imagine for the Conservative party. Despite Margaret Thatcher being replaced due to plummeting approval levels after poll tax, and the aforementioned scandals, John Major still managed to win the 1992 general election. Now this proves one thing; The public loves gaffs. Hell, George Bush won 2 elections, Blair won 3 and Berlusconi about 50. David Cameron is no fool. He might be a bit of a neo-con who is overseeing the carving up of the state sector, but he’s no fool. He knows that the way to connect with your average citizen is to turn his cabinet into a particularly tacky version of the Big Brother house. With the beauty of this cabinet being that he has the simpering twats of the Lib Dems in tow for bonus balls-ups!

Voters Gonna Vote

The Hall of shame started back in May, when David Laws, described as a “rising star of the co-alition”, was forced to step down from the cabinet, after it transpired that he had stolen £60k in dodgy expenses to give to his boyfriend, who was also his landlord. Laws sub-let a room in a Kensington home he shared with his boyfriend James Lundie.

Laws claimed between £700 and £950 a month rent between 2004 and 2007, plus typically £100 to £200 a month for maintenance, to sub-let a room in a flat owned and lived in by his boyfriend in Kensington, London. After the flat was sold for a profit of £193,000 in 2007, Lundie bought a nearby house for £510,000. Laws then began claiming rent for the “second bedroom” in this property, at a cost of £920 a month

To give you a clear example of what is going on, imagine an MP’s partner buys a house in London. The MP then claims rent at a price their partner chooses. Tax payers pay the MP’s partner £950 a month, and the two of them spend it on whatever they choose. What you’ve essentially got here is theft. If I buy a second home in London as a MP, I can’t claim any money for payment on it. However, if I give my partner £500,000 to buy a house in her name, and then rent it off her, I can claim around £1,000 a month in rent. Theft. No other word for it.

But what was Laws’ excuse?

…to be honest about his relationship would have forced him to be open about his sexuality describing it as a “conflict between his private interest in secrecy and public interest in him being open and honest in relation to his expenses claims”

Yeah, seems fair. What’s the wages of 3 or 4 nurses when we have a same-sex relationship to cover up? It is 2011, after all. It’s not like homosexuals have the vote or anything.

Then there’s Chris Huhne. Chris ‘calamity’ Huhne, as me and no-one else calls him. Despite appearing to have the personality of a particularly dour puddle, Huhne has managed to get up to all sorts of japes since joining the cabinet. Back in May, Chris Huhne’s ex-wife claimed that in 2003, Huhne had convinced her to take a speeding ticket for him, and the points on her licence. Politicians is corruption shock; QUELLE SURPRISE!

Now most would leave it there, but not the Huhnester. Rather than just dismiss the allegations, Huhne’s people claimed that his wife fabricated these allegations, as revenge for him having an affair with ‘bisexual PR woman Carina Trimingham’. Chris Huhne, ladies and gentlemen; fights fire with bisexual kiss and tells. It was the closet example you’ll see to a middle class version of The Jeremy Kyle Show. ‘You lied about a parking ticket because of my affair with a bisexual’ edition. One to sky+, certainly.

Managing to survive this affair (though still possibly facing charges of perverting the cause of justice), ‘bulletproof’ Huhne clearly missed the scandal bug, as last week he was yet another person in public eye to commit a Twitter faux-pas. Meaning to send a private message, Hunhe tweeted this;

…to his near 8,000 followers, and any-one who happened to frequent Huhne’s twitter page in order to find out what was going on in his crazy world of fast cars, and even faster bisexual women who work in PR. Rival conspiracy theories were soon flying about, wondering what vicious story was abound that Huhne liked, but didn’t want to be associated with.  Some thought it was a story deriding fellow coalition MP George Osborne on climate change, while others suggested it must be a piece discrediting Caroline Flint, his shadow Labour rival. I reckon it may have been to do with gunging MP Michael Fabricant, Noel’s House Party style.

Hunhe managed to survive his various misdemaonors, but Conservative MP Liam Fox wasn’t so lucky. Fox resigned this week over breaking the ‘minsterial code’, due to his working relationship with friend Adam Werrity. Fox claimed that he blurred the lines between personal and professional responsibilities by having Werrity, a lobbyist with no official role, join Fox on 18 foreign trips, arranging meetings for him and handing out business cards describing himself as an ‘official advisor’ to Fox. It was essentially a ‘jobs for the boys’ scheme that Fox was running. There was also a question of how Werrity’s escapades were funded, and if it was by the taxpayer. What started out as a political version of Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure, turned into a Shakespearean tragedy. Fox and Werrity’s global banter bus was over, and now will have to fund their ‘lads on tour’ jollies out of their own pockets.

Then there’s Oliver Letwin dumping documents in St James’ Park bins…

…But if I’m honest, early signs indicate that it was just Letwin being fucking weird.

So with a heady mix of corruption, gaffs and scandal, Cameron has his party drilled to the standards of the Tories in 1992. With the mess the party are in already, 2015 should be a cakewalk. You just wait till a story breaks from an ‘unknown source’, claiming they spotted a clearly intoxicated Grant Shapps in the Weymouth branch of Laser Quest, attacking a Spanish exchange student with his plastic gun. They’ll be the darlings of Heat magazine before you know it.

"Remember the Coulson farce? That should win us a few swing seats."

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