The X Factor 2011: Episode 2 by sel

So last week was almost like an extension of Judges’ Houses when the judges had to send home one of their own acts instead of there being a public vote. That makes this week the first week proper of live shows in that case as people can actually vote and as we’ve learnt before, that can mean anything.

Someone’s discovered the vintage effect on their editing software. Lovely. Dermot’s back to wearing suits that don’t quite fit him properly, Gary is still forsaking ties and chest hair, Tulisa is still insisting on showing us her chavtastic tattoo, Louis is still grinning like an inane fool and so order is restored. The theme this week is Love and Heartbreak, which means that LITERALLY ANY SONG could be chosen. Apart from ones about parties but with Louis involved, even they could be chosen.

Nu Vibe are up first. They’re still not getting on. Tulisa tells them that they bladdy well should do because this is bladdy business. Oh, no wait, wrong show. Anyway, they’re singing That Song By U2 What Was In Friends but some kind of Hi-NRG version. It’s all out of tune and awful. There’s random backing dancers and Perspex boxes. Louis thought it was a bit bad, as did Gary. Kelly thinks they put it down again. Of course Tulisa disagrees with Louis and Gary. She seems to think they improved which is clear to anyone with working ears that that’s not the case.

Brassy Sami is next. Apparently she’s the new champion for overweight children. What a brilliant thing to be. Sami’s been heartbroken before [must resist urge to make joke about eating all the pies] so she REALLY connects with the song etc etc. Get on with it, love. Oh, but of course she’s singing That Whitney Song From That Film What Had Kevin Costner In It. She belts it out week after week at karaoke. You know it. I’m sure Sami’s lovely but she appeals to the same people who made Jane McDonald and Michelle McManus a Thing. Yay! Louis knows that EVERYONE in Wales is proud of her. Oh Louis, never change.

Biscuit Boy Craig is on next. Vortex of Joylessness Gary is still making him eat salad and do exercise. In attempt to appeal to Kelly, Gary’s making him sing That Beyonce Song Where She Prances Around In A Wedding Dress Like A Mental. He gets random backing singers who presumably don’t sing out the side of their mouths like he does. He’s been the best so far though so well done him. He is this year’s Joe McElderry. Louis knows that EVERYONE in Liverpool is going to vote for him but where will that leave Singing Hairdresser Marcus? Kelly thinks Beyonce sings it better but then she would.

Janet From The Field Of Despairing Loneliness is next. She’s finding it odd that people write to her because she wasn’t popular at school. Oh boohoo. Extra sob story points for Janet this week because her granddad died. That’s a sad thing to happen to anyone and so the shoehorning of it in seems especially cynical. She’s singing That Elvis Song What UB40 Covered For That Film With Michael Douglas Stalking Sharon Stone. She’s a little less breathy this week. Maybe she’s too busy trying to keep her eyes open given the bodge job false eyelashes she got lumbered with. The judges love her. Louis thinks she’s got Celtic Soul. Amaze.

Now for Persistent Girl Botherer Frankie. Gary has changed his song choice at the last minute and is making him sing That Song By Coldplay Where Chris Martin Doesn’t Die In A Car Crash. Gary seems to think a bad rehearsal means a good performance. No Gary, no it doesn’t. It means a godawful performance. Frankie is out of time and tune and breath and he knows it’s bad. Louis blames the song choice and his loss of swagger. Kelly tells him to never say swagger again, not understanding that this would be denying us one of the pleasures of X Factor. Oh. Apparently it was just the song choice and not Frankie being a bit shit that was the problem.

It’s ok though. Johnny is on now. Johnny doesn’t understand tweeting but he’s tweeting Kylie Minogue because he’s singing That Song She Did With All The La La La Las In It. He’s dressed as some kind of geisha and has random dancers and a fan and he’s brilliant. Tulisa thinks Louis should give him chance to show his vocal off. Louis claims it’s only Week One thus confirming all our suspicions about last week. Kelly was too busy checking out the dancers to know what was going on. Vortex Of Joylessness Gary tries to suck the fun out of it all before Johnny tells him he can rub his lamp any time. Johnny is too much for Gary to handle.

Singing Hairdresser Marcus is claiming to be the crazy fun one in the house. Gary is continuing his voyage of doom and tells him he can’t smile because he’s singing That Song By Rhianna Where She Plays With Guns Which Is A Bit Dangerous. It’s alright, nothing amazing but nothing desperately terrible. Louis has presented the people of Liverpool with a bit of a dilemma as he wants them all to vote for him as well as Biscuit Boy Craig.

It’s not just Biscuit Boy Craig and Brassy Sami that have weight issues. Rhythmix do too. But then they are only buying chocolate cake because they can’t do food shopping unsupervised. Anyway, they’re singing That Song By Nelly Futardo About Being A Metaphorical Bird. Whaddya know? It’s only gone and been ‘funked up’ and is a bit good. I quite like Rhythmix. They can sing and they seem to be getting on and seem like nice girls. Nice girls who should be beating up the stylists though… Louis thinks they seem like the fun girls next door. He hopes people vote. The government should totally get him involved in driving up voter turnout for stuff that matters.

Crazy amazing Misha is next. If you listen to the gossip, she’s been acting the diva and annoying Kelly. They’ve turned this into a montage of her being involved in her styling which is a good thing, ok? She’s singing That Song By Charles And Eddie With The High Pitched Ooh Yeahs In. She doesn’t do the high pitched Ooh Yeahs though which lessens the song in my eyes. You know she’s good even though it’s average for her. The danger for Misha now is that everyone will think she’s so amaze that everyone will vote for her and no one will vote for her. Or that she’ll get so obviously cocky that everyone will suddenly hate her.

The Risk are trying to steal Wand Erections crown as Boyband What Girls Scream At. They’re singing That Song By Bruno Mars About Girls Faces Being Amazing. They’ve been practicing doing that looking down the camera into the very souls of the girls watching at home to get them to think they love them. They’re good. Nothing exciting but good. Louis gives away his secret of boybands that everyone knew anyway – they must stand up for the key change.

Best Named Contestant Sophie Habibis is next. She’s realised that no one knows who she is. I have a bit of a theory about Sophie though – she’s like Leona Lewis. Dull, inoffensive, anonymous, already had interest from SyCo. Uh-huh. Anyway, she’s singing That Song What Was In That Film With Meg Ryan And Nicolas Cage Inexplicably Being An Angel. The most exciting thing about it is the glitter. Gary thinks she’s boring. Gary is correct.

Finally, we have Kitty. The most shocking thing she did last week was actually sing so what will she do this week? She is being amazed by Brian May being a fan. Who wouldn’t be amazed by that? This week, she’s singing That Song What Bjork Did About Shutting The Hell Up And Then Shouting. She’s got a bizarre Alice In Wonderland theme going on and she’s actually just singing the song again. Oh Kitty. This is good. What’s going on?! Yes she still tries a bit too hard but it works for her. Katie Waissel must be weeping into her Lambrini as Kitty becomes more likeable. I’m not even drunk.

And so, that was that. It didn’t seem quite so much hard work this week did it? Let’s see how it goes for the results…

Comments

1. LondonMUgirl says:

   October 19, 2011 at 11:09 am

   It was One-of-the-Baldwins-who-isn’t-Alec stalking Sharon Stone in that film, but otherwise spot on.

   I like Rhythmix. They should all take turns kicking the stylists though.
2. Sel says:

   October 19, 2011 at 4:29 pm

   You’re right. William Baldwin as IMDB calls him though doesn’t everyone else know him as Billy? Who knows?

   I want Rhythmix to fill the gaping void left by a good version of Sugababes and Girls Aloud.
3. LondonMUgirl says:

   October 24, 2011 at 11:19 am

   Sugababes have been dead to me ever since Mutya left.

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