The Jeremy Kyle Show by Tim Ward
Tim Ward is off sick, so we punished him with Jeremy Kyle.
Kyle: Sinister
Jeremy ‘Jezza’ Kyle has fronted his show since it was forged from the tormented souls of the dead a millennium ago to rival the much better Jerry Springer Show. As you know, toothless simpletons bicker over which poor sod was foolish enough to orgasm within a terrible globe of a woman is a staple for the show.
This particular episode is titled YOU DISOWNED OUR DAUGHTER BECAUSE SHE WASN’T THE SON YOU WANTED! so I awaiting Henry VIII with bated breath. Sadly, it seems our former King is not going to be featured this morning.
Kyle sneers a welcome to Nadine who has a 22 month daughter, but Ste, the father, denies he’s the father, has never seen the kid and doesn’t want anything to do with it. Her called her a liar when she said she was pregnant, then made her take a test in front of him and THEN accused her of faking a scan!
They’ve broke up but since then Ste has prank called her, called her a “Fat ****” and also called the baby a “Fat, ugly ****”. He’s never paid any money to the kid, never offered nothing to his little girl. He sounds like a charming young man. He’s since got a new partner and little boy and after the break, MUMS! DNA TESTS! YELLING!
So, Ste comes out looking unhappy.
Do you not want to be here?
No
Why?
I hate her.
And yet you had unprotected sex with her that could result in the creation of life?
*shrug* I was desperate when I got out of jail
A rogue audience member clapped, to which Kyle turned and said “Who clapped? Shut up.” Kyle berates the admittedly cretinous little scrote who was inside for the burglary.
I ain’t insulting her
You just said she was convenient sex when you got out of jail you little
Shut up
…thug. What?
Shut the fuck up.
What did you just say? Remove your hand from your mouth and talk like a man.
I said shut the fuck up you cunt
Ste accuses Kyle of taking sides which he really, really has. He continues to berate the moron who mumbles and bumbles his way between swearing. There’s some argument about swab tests and Facebook. Ste hopes the kid isn’t his and even if it is, he doesn’t want anything to do with it. Nadine says he “writ me a message on facebook” after which I’m too busy coughing and laughing to know “what was been writing on that message what they wrote.”
Kyle: Watching you
Ste tells an audience member to fuck off, then Kyle tells his mate “who has three braincells” to “do one.” and tells Ste he’s a “stupid, immature little git.” Kyle really is on form today; yelling at him to spell his daughter Maisie’s name. Lesley, Nadine’s mum is out, looking tired and fed up. Apparently he threatened to stab Nadine and firebombed her house. Now those seem like the sort of accusations not to be lightly banded around ITV’s daytime schedule.
Ste’s current partner is in the audience and is resolutely standing by her man, while also possessing a look of utter shame. Kyle continues to yell at him and runs him down. Some would say rightly, but there is no impartial presenting here. Even Jerry Springer was fair to the Ku Klux Klan when they were on his show.
DNA results and obviously Ste is the dad. Kyle calls him “evil, vile, and horrible” and continues to yell at him, throwing in “lowlife” in his final words. Oh, then adding “vile git” forcing him off the stage.
WOW. We’re only half way through the show and already I’m looking at how to emigrate to the Greek islands or Spain. Somewhere, you know, nice?
The second story is about a mother’s struggle to help her son battle drugs and alcohol. It’s a truly sad tale that really cannot be ridiculed for ripped apart by me. Even Kyle has mellowed out. Chris, the poor sod with his illness of addiction, comes out and has facial paralysis after landing on his head from a 30 foot fall while on drugs. Kyle teeters on “berate setting”, especially when he reveals that Chris’ mum Joanne neglected and physically abused Chris. Oh. Kyle in full on yelling and belittling mode now.
Cyllis, Chris’ gran, comes out and amazingly looks the same age as her daughter. Mother and daughter bicker and argue with poor Chris sat in the middle in tears.
It suddenly dawns on me that the Jeremy Kyle Show must, simply must, be a Government initiative to get more people back to work. I can’t imagine sitting here every morning watching this and actually enjoying it.
It’s horrible. Just a horrible show. Sure, Jerry Springer’s show also had horrible stories of lies, betrayal, the KKK, men marrying horses and so on, but it always had an under lying sense of hope. Springer always carefully listened to each person’s point and injected humour where possible.
Jeremy Kyle is a belittling, arrogant, sneering horrible human being wheeling out faux-intellectual points wrapped in a yell.
But you knew this already right?
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© 2012
When I was at Uni, I used to listen to Kyle on the radio, where he did Jezza’s Virgin Confessions (it was Virgin radio, the show wasn’t *that* bad).
I might have been naive, but as a one-on-one call in show, Jeremy (or Jezza, as he was called then) seemed much nicer – he listened to tragedies and lent a sympathetic ear or a short, effective scold where needed. Sure, it was the opportunity to get sleaze and scandals on the radio, but it also featured heart-breaking/warming tales and had a therapeutic tale. And it wasn’t just horrible people put in the boiler room and programmed to shout cunt at each other!
I have no idea what the point of my comment is.
You’d never catch me on the Jeremy Kyle Show…
Every time I am supremely bored and make the mistake of flicking through the TV channels and giving Jeremy Kyle a try for five minutes, I instantly regret it. Let’s face it – the man is a cunt. I don’t care how scummy the people on his show are, he’s worse for being such a condescending arsehole.
And you’re right, it’s nowhere near as good as Jerry Springer – there are no food fights and no one takes their clothes off for no reason.
P.S. genius comment above!