Gok Wan’s Clothes Roadshow, C4
ANOTHER GOK WAN ROADSHOW.
This is a known fact. He’s always touring up and down the country, poking around in women’s knicker draws and shrieking about capsule wardrobes and haberdasheries. I have no time for him, and will probably find it necessary to turn to drink at some point during this. Or have a Cornetto or something.
Gok begins his latest road show by informing us that women want to look nice for no money. As a result, they all currently look like shit. Probably. The best way to rectify this is to find three women who look totally fine and force them to wear heels and fifties style dresses. Apparent frump Jane is forced into a purple dress and everyone agrees she looks fabulous. It’s a shame it’s so tight she can barely move. That’ll be so practical for moving around and doing things. And the whole outfit costs only £70. BARGAIN!
It’s haberdashery time ladies, (if I was playing the Gok Wan haberdashery drinking game, I would have drunk two shots by this point), and Gok is bedazzling some faux leather gloves. Apparently gloves are the anchor for any ladies outfit. However, I don’t understand why you would spend six hours sticking studs into them when you could go to Primark and have an Indian child do it for you for £2.
Oh God! He said haberdashery again! Twice! *drinks entire bottle of vodka and passes out, muttering*
By the time I come around, the programme has moved on. Gok is talking about trends.
‘Why am I not combining playful masculine touches in my wardrobe? Why am I not wearing a plether skirt?’ I ponder.
Gok glares at me through the TV screen, as if sensing the lack of plether in my life. Apparently there’s no excuse not to own a plether something any more, it’s so cheap and awesome. Maybe I’ll go to the haberdashery and buy some plether. Or maybe I’ll have another drink.
Gok has said the work haberdashery four hundred more times and ruined a perfectly good jumper with a hideous tartan bow. Then my head explodes. And I die.
(a.k.a hot men in armour)
Over the last few years as the financial world crumbles around us, and we face penury and early death, I’ve often thought how much happier we’d all be if we lived in an Arthurian legend. If you’ve ever watched Merlin, you’ll understand. Every single one of Arthur’s knights is hot.
However, on Saturday night disaster struck, and hot Lancelot sacrificed himself to save Camelot.
So disturbed were we by this development, me and my Mum had a lengthy text conversation discussing the chances of him coming back from the dead or not.
Celebrity Coach Trip, C4
(a.k.a Alex Best? WTF?)
Ah, the perils of fame. The celebrities are in a French ski resort being plagued by those troublesome autograph hunters….for Brendan. Yes, in a curious post-modern twist, the tour guide is more famous than the celebrities. I use the word ‘celebrity’ in the loosest possible way, as most of the half hour show is spent working out who everyone is meant to be. Most of the group seems to consist of Big Brother rejects, old footballer’s wives and Lembit Opik. Just like in life, everyone hates Lembit, and he is sent home during an awkward vote off.
The coach rumbles on to Austria…or somewhere.