Signed By Katie Price by Hannah

Katie Price is a multi-millionaire business woman; she is a glamour model, author, and will flog absolutely anything. Including actual flesh. Having exhausted her own flesh, now well into it’s thirties and past it’s prime, Price appears on screen like a malevolent orange cloud to woodenly announcing that she’s moving into talent management. I think I can understand why she’s never tried acting. The winner of the competition will be offered a calender, a celebrity perfume, and trips around the world.

Helping Katie in her search, which will take place in such metropolis’ as Bristol, are Bayo Furlong and Glen Middleham. Despite sounding like he might be a character from The Hobbit, Bayo knows what hot. What is hot is definitely a giant hot pink door in the middle of a shopping centre, where a series of desperate contestants will emerge in their underwear to be appraised by Price’s gimlet eye like pieces of meat. Katie is surprisingly quiet, allowing her fellow judges to do most of the actual judging. TV producer Glen is terrifying, and resembles one of the watchers from Fringe.

The contestants start to arrive.

‘I’m good looking,’ declares 26 year old Jamie, ‘I’m driven.’

There are plenty of driven young men auditioning, so many that it’s hard not to wonder if I’m watching auditions for Katie’s latest boyfriend. Rylan Clark used to be a fat ginger child. He finds it offensive when people leave the house looking like a mess. Nathan idolises Katie, and has her as his password at work. Rocco, a local celebrity in Norfolk, gets off to a bad start by insulting Bayo’s hair. He still manages to get three yes’s and is off to boot-camp. Weird…that last sentence is strangely familiar. Almost like I’ve heard that concept before. Hmm.

Finally a girl! Sarah comes through the pink doors in her cap and gown, to demonstrate that she has a Ph.D. in philosophy. Bayo is having none of this, and makes her take it off. Katie thinks she’s a fake and forces her to leave the stage. Awkward. Reassuringly, the following girls are all blonde and cute, so it’s back to business as usual.

As the programme progresses, I start to learn the language of the Price. Katie doesn’t like to hurt people, so she disguises what she’s really saying with clever language. ‘You seem to have the whole package’ means ‘you have giant breasts.’ ‘Something’s not clicking’ translates as ‘you look like a hamster when you smile.’

Then it’s on to Birmingham, where Katie meets 26 year old twins who are creepily dressed the same. ‘I can visualise different things I can do to you’, muses Katie, as they stand in front of her in their matching underwear. Three words: Pillow fight calender.

It’s time for the token fat contestant now, and by fat I mean probably a size 14. Taylor does naked modelling, and wants to come out topless. This sparks a flurry of worried researchers, presumably concerned that there are ordinary people in the shopping centre who might take offence to having Katie Price endorsed nudity forced on them. Taylor is reduced to appearing with breasts covered in a shiny pink cut-out swimming costume. Despite this display of ‘confidence’, Taylor is rejected. However as the day drags on Katie just can’t her out of her head, and dispatches a minion to find her. Either that, or they need to make up numbers with someone who is possibly bitchy.

So that’s it, Katie has chosen her fifty, and they will back next week to show their talent in Boot Camp. Boot Camp…I’m so sure I’ve heard that concept before.

Comments

1. Dave H says:

   October 18, 2011 at 12:07 pm

   I’ve tried to read this entry 5 times now and i always lose interest before i’m done, mostly before i’m even halfway down the page.
   That’s not the writer’s fault, i just seem to have auto-defence systems against Katie P.
   Has there ever been any evidence to suggest that she is anything other than a complete waste of time in the world?
2. Caroline says:

   November 2, 2011 at 4:31 pm

   I tried watching a bit of this show as I was confused by the adverts and guess what? I’m still confused! What is the point of it? Who is she trying to find? As far as I can tell it’s trying to be a mix between a talent contest and a modelling show, but it’s not either. She wants to create a “brand” out of nothing in particular. Well, I suppose she has experience…

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