Unlike One Night in Paris, Katie Price’s sex tape has no narrative, no fancy chapter titles and is only three and a half minutes long. In fact, an ‘official’ version doesn’t even exist, as all the videos are just several short scenes strung together – a lazy effort. Therefore, reading this review may well take you longer than just watching the tape yourself. But I ask you this: will you find the version that I happened to download which was set to the amazing backing music of Self Preservation Society? It really does put the movie in a whole new spin. I found myself cheering them on and wanting to start a fight.
The Back Ache Blow Job
So, the first scene in my edition opens from (checks Google) Dane Bowers point of view. He’s standing erect, in both senses of the phrase, looking down. There is a woman standing before him, but as we’re angled down, we’re wondering – who could it be? They are both naked. The mysterious woman is massaging Dane Bowers’s penis.
They’ve broken the first rule of erotica, here. You have to tease the audience. Give them a bit of will-they-won’t-they, only show hints of flesh, bring in some innuendo and flash a knowing look. Only after the audience is fit to burst with anticipation do you bring your protagonists this close. They should realise long after the audience they their lust is reciprocal. Here, we’ve got cocks crowing at dawn. It may work down on the farm, but I’m not titillated.
Suddenly, Jordan’s head bends into view and give the penis a momentarily lingering kiss. And then another. See this is teasing. But too little, too late. Her head blocks most of the light and the screen but we do get a hint of things yet to come: two enormous breasts swing into the frame for a moment, and in her unemployed hand, she appears to be holding a vibrator. Or a curling iron. It’s hard to tell at this stage. But if the law of Chekhov’s Gun are at work, she’ll either be masturbating or curling her hair by the third act.
She lets his penis go and it pings back and forth satisfactorily.
More Oral = Moral?
Sometimes portmanteaux don’t work. Anyway, in the second scene, things have turned 90° and Dane has retired to the bed, with Jordan kneeling over him. The teasing is over, and the penis play is at full throttle. Unfortunately, my subconscious has picked up on the fact that Jordan seems reluctant to commit to fellatio in the way that Paris Hilton did. I suspect Dane Bowers may have a strange flavoured penis, like licorice or something. Sure, she takes it into her mouth for a few moments, but then she seems to try and distract him by inventing new things to do with penis. She pumps it into her breast, as if that’s anything but weird. She even throws him a look to see how he takes it.
The wonderful thing about this first-person perspective style of movie is that we can’t tell how Dane is reacting. Is he mad? Is he loving it? We have to fill in the gaps ourselves; it’s a technique lifted from classic 40s Noir movies. Bravo.
Jordan changes from the breast-pumping action to what the French call le titoinque. Jordan attempts an unusual form of what is already one of the stranger repertoires – instead of placing Dane Bowers’s turgid shaft between her ladyboobies and making a kind of lateral masturbatory movement, she points it towards he chest and moves in a perpendicular rhythm like she’s some kind of suicidal vampire. It reminds me of the adrenaline injection scene in Pulp Fiction. Perhaps that is what they were alluding to with this direction?
Having used up all her distraction, Jordan pulls out the silver bullet of blow job dodges – sex. With all the grace of a three-legged arthritic elephant, she climbs up so that her hips are over his. It’s actually slightly terrifying and I’m glad this was never released in the cinema in Disney Digital 3D®; as she pulls forward, her mammoth boobs fly towards the camera in a collision course! Even I screamed and ducked and I’m not at the IMAX, I’m just sitting here at the shitty 11-inch CRT monitor that we’re all supplied with at Cows Towers.
She sits on his and let’s his manparts into her ladyparts, despite the fact that she appears to still be wearing underwear. I think that must be some kind of special effects glitch that slipped thought the editing process! At this point, the director employs some real Bourne Supremacy style action handheld shakey-cam. For a moment, we don’t know what’s happening – we see flashes of flesh, breast, hair, face. It’s all a bit mad and disorientated. I think Bowers is trying to evoke the true spirit of a powerful sexual moment, where the intertwining of two people is so intense that your senses are unable to keep up with the movement of the bodies in physical space. A powerful piece.
For a moment, we see Jordan’s bum bouncing up and down on his willy.
Again with the Insults
Now, we suddenly cut to Jordan pleasuring herself with a vibrator. Now it’s revealed that the underwear wasn’t a goof – she’s wearing crotchless panties! Ah, what a twist! She’s on her back, her legs apart, working her shiny silver dildo that looks like she ripped the penis from the Lawnmower Man. Dane lines himself up to slide himself inside, while Jordan keeps herself occupied at Ground Zero. Once, again, I must ask – is it rude to pleasure yourself while your partner is penetrating you? We saw the same thing with Paris, and once again here. I’m sure Dane is trying his best, here!
I’m a little concerned about Dane’s penis – it’s so close to what essentially is a huge metal spike. I hope he doesn’t hurt himself. Luckily, we don’t have to concern ourselves with this, as the camera pans up so reveal the chest that made a commodity of a simple Brightonian. Being 90% artificial, her massive breasts don’t tumble out to the side of her body, off the bed and across the bedroom floor. Instead they stay facing upright and out of her chest. This shatters any illusions you might have head about them thus far. They are bigger than her head. And she’s got a pretty big head. Dane tries to grab one, but it’s a fool’s game: have you ever tried to lift a bowling ball one-handed without using the little holes? It’s like that. And Jordan looks bored. Why are these celebrities so bored with their sex lives? At once point I’m pretty sure she take a quick nap.
Another thing: I’m not sure she knows where her clitoris is. I mean, I’ll always give a woman the benefit of the doubt to know her own body but still… her vibrator seems like it’s in the wrong place. She seems to be trying to vibrate his penis more than anything.
At one point, Dane’s penis lazily pops out, almost like it wants to ask, ‘is it over yet?’. Jordan slides it back in, but in doing so, she reveals that either she has a tattoo on her mons pubis of arrows pointing out where her vagina is (problems, Dane?) or she’s very creative with his pubic topiary. It’s hard to tell at this quality.
The movie ends with a strange short scene. Jordan is sitting by herself, nude and akimbo. Everything is bathed in a bright light and she her fingers as a flurry of circle about her foldibits. The light grows brighter and bright as her masturbation becomes ever more furious. And then… And then Dane Bowers foot shoots towards her vagina. His toe starts pressing into her, wiggling like the pig that went to market. And we fade to white.
Quite the ending. Did she ascend to heaven? Was this supposed to represent the intensity or orgasm? Did Dane not know how to work the white balance on his camera? We may never know.
Jordan and Dane evoke memories of some classic movies in what turns out to be a refreshingly short movie. In this current era of two-to-three hours epics, I managed to make my way through this succinct film without needing a wee break. The movie in itself tells a simple tale but – as with all historical biopics – it’s depth comes from what the audience already knows. Like a story that focusses on Hitler’s childhood, we know of the horrors yet to come and somehow manage to sympathise with this simple person enjoying a few minutes of pleasure before subjecting millions to a charming, hypnotic tyranny.