The X Factor 2011: Episode 1 by sel

You don’t have any plans between now and Christmas do you? Of course not. Not with THREE AND A HALF HOURS of X Factor dramarama to get through. I did have plans – well, I was working – so I’m watching it ALL IN ONE GO. Hold me.

We’re at the live show stage. We’re promised BIG TWISTS – which aren’t big because we all knew about them last week. We do get snazzy new titles and a remix of the theme tune. So let’s get on it.

Dermot’s forsaken his hipster sailor look in favour of some sharp tailoring. The themes are still reassuringly broad and vague – this week UK v US – which could mean LITERALLY ANY SONG could be picked.

The judges arrive with Gary confusing the live shows with a country house convention. Because we already know what the twist is, Dermot gets it out the way now. In case you didn’t know, each of the judges has to pick one of their acts to go home in a reversal of last year’s big twist when they had to bring one back. Apparently we’re supposed to be shocked by this but it’s fairly obvious.

Amelia Lily has the hard task of being up first. The stylists have got rid of her weirdly white blonde hair and made it… er, old lady pale pink and made her look like an 80s hooker. She’s not been able to put the eyeliner down though. Kelly’s made her sing ‘Billie Jean’ which is a bit of a big song. She belts it out, forgets to breathe properly and generally looks a bit uncomfortable. Louis reminds her of her age in case she forgot and brings out the first “You deserve to be on that stage!” Everyone says nice things about her because she’s young and the first on.

Next is lovely Johnny Robinson. Johnny loves the contestants’ mansion seeing as he lives in a bedsit. He’s looking forward to being made into a showgirl. Of course he descends onto the stage in a giant disco ball. Of course he’s wearing the most ridiculously awesome silver trenchcoat. Of course he’s singing Cher. Of course he’s camptastically fantastic. Of course Gary looks like he’s being subjected to the worst thing in humanity. Gary thinks Johnny was brilliant before Louis got his grubby camp hands on him. Gary might have a point.

Made up girl group Rhythmix are on next doing ‘Super Bass’. For saying they were flung together at the last minute, they’re not that bad. Traditionally though (as Louis himself says), girl groups don’t do that well so no matter how good they are, they’ll be out in a few weeks if Tulisa doesn’t get rid of them first.

Persistent Girl Botherer Frankie is on next. The producers have hired a bunch of girls to scream at him to perpetuate the myth that females find him attractive. Gary’s made him sing that awful Ed Sheerin song again. The stylists seem to have interpreted this as meaning he should be dressed so much like a Shoreditch Twat that he’s in danger of imploding in a puff of overwrought hipsterism brought on by the suffocating effect of his trousers. Frankie is better suited to fronting some shit indie band plugging their way round dirthole venues before being bought by Simon Cowell and marketed as the next Razorlight.

Are you flagging yet? Let’s keep going.

Surprise finalist Sophie Habibis is next. She has the best name for Voiceover Man to bellow this year. She’s singing ‘Teenage Dream’ by that well known UK artist Katy Perry. Oh. Kelly got that SO wrong…. The song choice though is alright. The arrangement is a bit boring and because she’s wearing ridonkulous wedges, she has to sit on a piano which is nice but dull. Tulisa thinks she looks beautiful. Of course she would, she’s been restyled to look like Tulisa. Gary speaks for all of us when he says that he doesn’t remember her from the auditions or Boot Camp.

JonJo the solider is next. He’s STILL wearing his stupid Olly Murs hat. Louis seems to think that getting him to sing The Kinks is a good thing. It isn’t. Mainly because JonJo is rubbish. He has no charisma, no nothing. He’s no Wavy Armed Terry. Or Wagner. I’m still missing Wagner. Louis distances himself from the song choice as all the criticism flows about how meh he was.

After all that dullness, we get the amazingness of 2Shoes. They are crazy amounts of fun. The blonde one is pregnant. Fear for that child. Tulisa’s getting them to sing ‘Something Kinda Ooh’ which is quite obviously one of Girls Aloud’s best songs. You know they dance around their handbags to it in whatever Essex club they frequent. Sadly, that doesn’t mean they can cope with singing it on X Factor live shows. I’m a bit sad that they aren’t more awesome. It doesn’t matter to the judges though apart from Gary. Gary is like a vortex of joylessness, sucking all the fun from the room.

To carry on doing this, he unleashes Persistent Hat Botherer James Michael next. Because he’s from Liverpool, Gary thinks he needs to sing a Beatles song. OF COURSE. He warbles through ‘Ticket To Ride’ laying on the faux emotion so thick that I’m in danger of Morose By Proxy. Gary thinks him being the only person to hold an actual instrument makes up for the slightly boring song.

Tiny bundle of awesome Misha is on next. Her hair is getting bigger and crazier. She’s “putting her own stamp” on things which means more rapping no doubt. We should curse Cher Lloyd for making that acceptable. Except Misha is truly great at it. She gets the obligatory Adele song and gets all Missy Elliott on its ass. According to Kelly, she’s “put it down” which is surely what you do to rabid dogs?

Time for another made up group now in the form of Nu Vibe. They’re not getting on but are cleverly disguising it by saying they’re working on it. They sing ‘Beautiful People’ by Chris Brown. It’s all a bit out of tune and unsure. They’re no JLS. Louis calls them cheeky chappies which is clearly a kiss of death. Kelly is obsessed with putting things down.

Marcus The Singing Hairdresser is on next. He’s singing ‘Moves Like Jagger’. Rather like Adam Levine, he cannot move like Jagger. He can’t sing like Jagger either. It’s alright. It’s Gary’s kind of fun though. Kelly and Tulisa love him.

Brassy Sami/Samantha/Sammy/whatever is on next like we’re on a cruise ship in 1995. The stylists really need to learn what to do with women who aren’t a size 8. Baggy black and sequins doesn’t cut it. Her hair’s better though. So yeah. She belts out ‘Free’ by Ultra Nate as I wait for my invite to sit at the captain’s table before she does the weirdest mouth wobble on the final note we’ve ever seen. Tulisa and Kelly pile on the patronisation by claiming she’s representing strong women, SIS-TAH! Gary claims he’ll leave if she’s not here next week.

We’ve not had a made up group for a while have we? Let’s see The Risk then. This is the first time they’ve performed as a group so no pressure then…. They’re singing ‘She Said’ by Plan B. It suits them. They’re actually quite good by which I mean they’ve understood what harmonies are for the most part. They inspire Louis to try and copy Kelly’s speaking style.

Biscuit Boy Craig is up next. Gary thinks he shouldn’t eat so many biscuits and is making him eat salad. See? VORTEX OF JOYLESSNESS. Craig sings ‘Jar of Hearts’ out the side of his mouth. It’s competent and dull and he threatens to cry. No one wants to see The Pilsbury Dough Boy cry. Don’t do that. It made Kelly want to throw her pen at him which is apparently a good thing.

Is there more? There is? Oh lord….

Of course there’s more. We’ve not experienced Kitty yet. She thinks the spotlight is on her being in the final 16, conveniently forgetting the other 15… She’s had some bad botox and has obviously upset the stylists so much, they’ve made her look like a bad drag queen. Her act of controversy this week is to sing a song. That’s it. She just sings her song. No mentals. No dramz. Just singing. Huh.

Finally (THANK GOODNESS FOR THAT!) is Janet from the Field Of Despairing Loneliness. Twee, Vickers Lite Janet singing Coldplay. Whaddya know? It’s twee and breathy. Chris Martin has probably had a sex wee about writing her a twee, breathy song. I’ve lost the will to live now.

And so, that’s that. I’m off to weep in a corner at the loss of those 2 hours of my life before I start on the results….

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