The X Factor 2011: Episode 1 Results by sel

So, we sat through a lifetime’s worth of X Factor in order to sit through another lifetime’s worth of results show. I’m watching it on catch up though so I can fast forward through all the adverts and Matt Cardle.

Just in case you had some kind of episode following the sheer relentlessness of the live show, we’re handily reminded of who everyone is. Dermot’s still sticking with that suit thing instead of the hipster sailor look. Gary seems to have an aversion to ties.

Then we have to sit through a recap of what happened last night. Except I don’t. It’s too much too soon. Then they try to make Matt Cardle sound exciting except then he sings that dire song of his. I can’t tell you what it’s like because I’m too busy fast forwarding.

Dermot asks the judges if it was hard to make a decision on who to send home. Kelly seems to think it’s his fault. They’re making it sound like Sophie’s Choice.

Oh look. Cee-Lo Green. Fast forward. Oh look. Adverts. Fast forward.

Now at 34 minutes in, it’s time for business. Louis has to go first. In order to drag out the tension for even longer than necessary, they have to say who’s safe first. Oh dear lord, I’m glad I didn’t watch this live. Sami and Kitty are safe, with Kitty not being a popular choice. It’s down to Johnny and JonJo. The audience are cheering for Johnny. Louis is smart in this way and sends boring JonJo home.

Gary’s turn next. Marcus is safe first before Biscuit Boy Craig. Oh look, how convenient to have Persistent Hat Botherer James up against Persistent Girl Botherer Frankie. He’s clearly keeping Frankie. Poor James. He might get signed as a model though, he has that kind of look.

After the adverts, it’s Tulisa’s turn. She’s trying to say it’s been a hard decision when it isn’t really. She saves Rhythmix, The Risk and Nu Vibe. Poor 2Shoes. You’ll see them in their own ITV2 show soon no doubt.

And finally Kelly’s turn. We always knew she had the strongest category seeing as she felt she could leave Jade out. She saves Janet and Misha (obviously) which leaves Amelia and Sophie. So here’s the surprise twist in this, er, surprise twist. She saves Sophie. Who saw that coming, right? She’s the one who’s most upset by it. I wouldn’t worry, Cowell’s drafting up her contract as we speak. Expect to see her in a couple of years time when Pixie Lott has faded away.

So next week we have Sami, Johnny and Kitty for Louis; Marcus, Craig and Frankie for Gary; Nu Vibe, Rhythmix and The Risk for Tulisa; and Janet, Misha and Sophie for Kelly. Oh and more overwrought tension and tediousness than you can shake a stick at.

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