The X Factor 2011 Judges’ Houses: Episode 2 by sel

Having sufficiently recovered from the previous lot of drama, it’s now time for the crazy drawn out tension of Decision Time.

In LA, the boys are busy saying how much it means to them and how a few little words from Gary will change their lives forever. Blah, blah, blah. Cue slo-mo walk of death montage.

Face Licker Luke, Biscuit Boy Craig and Singing Hairdresser Marcus are the first to have their fates decided. As predicted Luke is out. He will be back next year though. Biscuit Boy Craig is apparently Gary’s secret weapon and is through to the live shows. As is Singing Hairdresser Marcus.

Next up are Squirrel Max, Aidenesque Joe and Persistent Hat Botherer James. Gary wheels out platitudes of regret for Max and Joe before saying yes to James who looks like he can barely believe it.

But who will he say yes to out of Frankie and Reject John? Will he be mean and make John a re-reject? Will he take a chance on Robbie MkII Frankie? Oh Gary. He takes the mean route and rejects Reject John all over again. Gary is clearly pinning all his hopes of winning on Frankie.

So, our final boys are Biscuit Boy Craig, Singing Hairdresser Marcus, Persistent Hat Botherer James and Persistent Girl Botherer Frankie.

Over in Greece, Tulisa’s ready to dish out some No and put a brave face on not having a hope in hell of winning. I think she sends The Estrelles home. I don’t know who they are. But it’s ok, 2 Shoes are in the live shows and immediately start worrying about what to wear. Bless ‘em.

She also sends home some other girl group but keeps made up group Nu Vibe. As well as made up girl group Rhythmix. Girl v Boy are out though. So the last place is down to other made up group The Risk and The Keys. Except she sends both of them home. Eh? She’s got group making megalomania and makes up a group from the two of them. She keeps the name ‘The Risk’ for them and successfully manages to piss off a lot of people no doubt.

Final groups then are 2 Shoes, Nu Vibe, Rhythmix and Not Quite The Risk. Only 2 Shoes started off with the original line up. It’s like the Sugababes gone mad.

In Barcelona, Kitty, Sami and Johnny are the first to learn their fate from Louis. Biggest days of lives etc, etc.

Louis lays it on the line and tells Kitty she’s a diva and that he doesn’t particularly want to work with her. He keeps her though and sends Brassy Sami home.

It doesn’t matter though. He’s put Johnny through as well to balance out the horror of having to deal with Kitty.

Carolynne, Joseph and Goldie are up next. Joseph and Carolynne get sent home before Louis yells yes right in Goldie’s face. I’m too busy thinking about who he replaces her with seeing as we all know that she’s walked out already.

Now for Wavy Armed Terry and JonJo the soldier who seems to have found his stupid Olly Murs hat. There’s lots of tears before Louis reveals that he was too scared to take on The Sun in rejecting JonJo and sends Terry home. Poor Terry. He doesn’t even get a look in to replace Goldie as Louis plays it safe with Brassy Sami.

Finally, to Miami for what is the hardest group to call as Kelly picks the girls. Amelia Lily, Misha and Melanie are up first. Melanie has gone overboard with her highlighter and gets sent home. Of course Misha is through and Amelia Lily who is either going to be in the final or out in the first week. I can’t work out if people will like her or not.

Next up is the bunch of people no one quite knows about, Replacement Sarah, Holly and Sophie. Poor Sarah was only drafted in to make up numbers so she’s sent home. As is Holly. And so Sophie is through as the surprise one.

Which just leaves us with the two most awful sob stories – Jade from Fife and Janet from The Field Of Despairing Loneliness. This should be a no brainer. Jade is significantly better than breathy mousey Janet. Except Kelly has obviously had a recent head trauma and isn’t thinking clearly as she condemns Jade to a pit of despair and awfulness known to the government as Fife. Oh Kelly. I was really liking you up until now. Did no one show you footage of Diana Vickers? Did no one tell you no one particularly likes Ellie Goulding?

No matter. Next weekend it’s the LIVE SHOWS! EXPLOSIONS! RANDOM MAKEOVERS! BIG TWISTS WHICH WON’T BE THAT BIG OR TWISTED! DERMOT IN A SUIT!

Amazing.

Comments

1. Joe says:

   October 10, 2011 at 12:38 pm

   Amelia Lily who is either going to be in the final or out in the first week. I can’t work out if people will like her or not.

   - Prescient!
2. Sel says:

   October 11, 2011 at 6:55 pm

   Ooh! I’d forgotten I wrote that! Maybe I should buy a lottery ticket….

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