The X Factor 2011 Judges’ Houses: Episode 1 by sel

It’s the Battle Royale of X Factor this week! Judges Houses! We’re international this weekend seeing as even Louis has realised that going to a castle in Ireland is a little bit rubbish.

There’s already drama as someone called Sian who I can’t remember is replaced by someone else I can’t remember. Oh.

First to Greece and Tulisa facing the worst choice ever as she has to pick her final four groups. There is no JLS or Wand Erection in this motley bunch. You know this when you start thinking Two Shoes are serious contenders. Oh look, she’s got Jessie J to help her choose. That’s better than touring with Katy Perry isn’t it, Jessie? Oh.

Where’s better than Greece? Miami. Yes. Kelly is hanging out in a house that might actually be hers in a new twist on this part. She’s got Jennifer Hudson helping her. That trumps Jessie J – J-Hud has won a freaking Oscar.

Where did Louis go then if not to Ireland? Barcelona. You can get budget flights there see. All the travel budget has been spent on the Boys and Girls flying them to Miami and LA. Louis doesn’t even have a Wagner this year. He’s got Sinitta helping him though. She wasn’t going to let a little thing like Simon Cowell not being there stop her from getting her chance at a holiday.

The Boys have gone to LA to meet Gary and his contractual obligation Robbie. Never mind all that, Gary looks well fit as I believe common parlance has it. Robbie being Robbie decides that he needs to replicate Sinitta’s palm leaf outfit. I’m more surprised by how relevant he seems to be to kids about 10 years too young to remember him being A Big Thing.

Now that’s all out the way, back to Greece and Dermot’s gone for a summer version of his hipster sailor look which is nice. The Keys are up first. They are good but are essentially The Short One and His Back Up Singers. They’re like Wand Erection in 5 years time. Jessie doesn’t like them.

Then The Estrelles. They’re a hot mess of extensions, false eyelashes and lip gloss. I don’t remember them from the auditions. I don’t remember Girl v Boy either. Or The Lovettes. This doesn’t bode well does it?

It’s ok, one of the made up groups is on now. The Risk were made up of some of the leftover boys. They have an advantage in being better looking and just better than the others. Tulisa and Jessie are worried they might not really be getting on. They have just been shoved into a group so y’know, it might take a bit longer than 5 minutes for them to be bosom buddies.

Look! It’s Essex karaoke queens Two Shoes! They got matching dresses. They’re lovely though a bit boring when they sing which is bizarre.

Nu Vibe are another made up band from Boot Camp. They try to do a comedy bit in the middle of their song which really doesn’t work but they seem more together than The Risk.

What about Rhythmix? They were made up right at the end of Boot Camp and so haven’t even performed as a group yet. Sadly, it shows.

Tulisa and Jessie have to make a decision and use lots of excellent phrases like “Who would you market them to?” and “They have no personality but have talent”.

No matter. The best thing about the whole show is that WAGNER is on the competition clip. I miss Wagner.

Over to Miami with Kelly and J-Hud. Amelia Lily is on first rocking a scary cholita eyebrow and all the eyeliner in the world to frame her not at all 16 year old face. We already know she’s through to the live shows as she’s ready to go as a package.

Remember Jade who has to endure the awfulness of living in Fife? She sings so beautifully but Kelly and J-Hud worry she’s too shy.

Sophie’s on next. I’ve been vaguely aware of her throughout so it’s likely that she’ll be through to the live shows and be the surprise one. Kelly and J-Hud love her.

Replacement Sarah is good but not ready. Melanie is all stage school but in a very lovely dress. Holly is indistinguishable from anyone else.

Lovely, talented Misha is next. She has to recap her sob story of abandonment before blowing everyone else out the water. I’m really worried that she’s going to win. If she does, Gary better write her the best song he’s ever penned. You hear me Barlow? WRITE HER THE BEST THING YOU’VE EVER WRITTEN!

Then we get Janet from The Field Of Despairing Loneliness. She’s been hanging out with Amelia Lily too much and has been attacked by eyeliner. She does her cutesy, little mouse Janet thing to most likely see her through to the live shows.

In Barcelona, Louis is wearing ill-advised sunglasses while Sinitta is dressed… oh, fairly normal actually. Johnny is on first. I love Johnny. He got himself a spray tan before he went to Barcelona so he wouldn’t look like a pork chop.

Brassy Sami is up next. Judging by her face, Sinitta has never encountered anyone like Sami before. She’s a pub singer at best and apparently forgot to do her dress up at the back.

Wavy Armed Terry manages not to mess up this time. Then we see Carolynne and Joseph who I don’t really remember. Then Goldie waves around before covering Sinitta with a shawl. But of course.

Apparently JonJo the soldier got through to Judges Houses. I totally didn’t realise this. Maybe I just blanked it out. He’s finally listened and lost the stupid Olly Murs hat. He’s average. Will Louis be brave enough to say no to one of Our Boys?

And will he be brave enough to say no to Kitty? I wouldn’t be. She’d stalk you then cut you up. She’s busy forcing those tears of piety and neediness out before she even starts singing. Then whaddya know? She actually manages to just sing a song without any mentalness or shouting or randomly lit clothes. Huh. Then she ruins it by jumping in the pool like the mentalist she is. She seems the kind of person who has conversations with themselves.

It’s ok, we’ve got the soothing sight of Gary in LA now. Frankie is up first. Robbie likes his behaviour. Of course he does – Frankie reminds him of his lost youth.

New concealer and eyeliner fan, Reject John really needs to learn about proportion when it comes to getting dressed. Anyway, he sings his ditty which Robbie looks like he doesn’t quite understand.

Cheeky chappie and Aiden Grimshawalike Joe does his thing, singing “Knocking on Heaven’s Door”. Gary worries it doesn’t have the range. Robbie quips it’d be the perfect song for him to cover.

James is a bit lost without a guitar and so looks a bit awkward without one. Max the amusement park squirrel apparently sings like his mum told him to turn the xbox off according to Robbie. Whatever that means.

Face licker Luke next. He’s a bit nervous. And messes it right up. Gary gets him to restart but he still can’t quite get it right. It sounds like he chose the wrong song. He won’t be on the live shows but will be back next year.

Marcus the singing hairdresser is on next and is much better than he has been previously. Gary worries he might be too much of a belter.

He should be worrying that Biscuit Boy Craig has eaten him out of house and home. He sings ‘Halo’ and very well indeed. Robbie threatens to fall out with Gary if he doesn’t put him through.

And so after all that drama, be prepared for even more drama as the judges have to deliver their verdicts! I’m off for a lie down in a dark room.

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