This review is part of the Paris Hilton season.
1 Night in Paris is one of the very first modern celebrity sex tapes and – to my knowledge – the only one to feature links and introductions from one of its ‘stars’. The plot revolves around Rick Salomon, a sexually-charged Scrappy Do, coercing his nineteen year old girlfriend, Paris Hilton, into stripping and performing sexual acts in front of his video camera. A lot of themes are thread through the narrative: relationship power balance, the naïvety of youth, the meaning of love and the quest for orgasm. While Salomon chooses to ham up his performance, really relishing his role as the villain, Paris plays an understated performance as a simple teenage girl trying to keep her boyfriend happy.
Bizarrely, the video begins with a splash indicating that the video is ‘In Memory of 9/11’. I’m sure the victims appreciate that, Rick. Thanks.
So, as mentioned, this film is introduced and intercut with links of Rick Salomon himself explaining the scenes we’re about to watch, as if he’s frigging Martin Scorcese or something. They’re having sex; it’s not Mulholland Drive, you unbelievable twat. Salomon stands in front of a tiny flatscreen, without even bothering to remove the gum from his gaping curse-hole, and explains how the first scene was filmed in glorious night-vision.
He starts talking about how bashful Paris was – being only nineteen at the time – and that she didn’t really want to be filmed. He doesn’t seem to have considered that maybe he shouldn’t have filmed her. Instead, he seems proud that he managed to get her on camera despite her protestation like the rambunctious vagina bandit that he is.
So we head straight to night vision sex. Unfortunately, the night vision makes Paris’s skin look completely see-through: you can see all the veins in her boobs, which is odd. Furthermore, night-vision makes everyone look demoniacal and terrifying. Not very sexy, unless you’re into that kind of thing.
Right away, Paris makes it clear she doesn’t want to be on tape, but Rick decides: pffff – whatever. Interestingly, from both a pornographic and reality perspective, we go straight into full coitus. I guess this is the sexual equivalent of Lethal Weapon 2 where we burst straight into an action scene and figure out the details later. We start from Rick “I’m too old for this shit” Salomon’s POV as they go at it missionary-style. The night vision makes them look a bit like naked sex burglars, or Blair Witch Project deleted scenes. They switch to doggy-style pretty quickly and we’re treating to a long side-shot of just the middle part of their bodies humping, so in effect we could be watching anyone, which is the exact opposite of what you want from a celebrity sex tape.
Paris is a very quiet lover, but Rick Salomon keeps the sexy times a-rolling with his eloquent sexual linguistics.
I’ve never seen two people look more bored while having sex. Granted, I’ve never seen two people having sex, outside of pornography, but still. I’m starting to wonder – does actual sex always look so horrifically dull to an observer? Paris looks particularly distracted, often watching a programme on TV or stopping to answer her phone as the sex continues inside her. How sad to be only nineteen and be bored by sex already.
A running theme throughout the film is how bad Rick Salomon seems to be at sex. Paris never seems excited – in fact, she often seems annoyed every time he requests some sexy times. She’s never close to orgasm and, about 80% of the time, resorts to masturbating as they bonk just to keep herself vaguely entertained. My dear wife said, ‘Is it an insult that she plays with herself constantly? I think it is.’
Even Rick seems unable to climax, so he eventually ‘disengages’ and asks Paris to finish him with a lil’ oral sex.
Paris: I don’t like doing this.
Rick: I don’t care.
Paris: Just jerk off.
Rick: Just suck it!
(Paris slaps his penis)
Rick: Ow! Bitch!
(Paris walks off)
Ah, young love.
The Next Morning
Paris wakes up early to film her own boobs in natural light to prove that they aren’t completely see-through, as night-vision suggested. And it’s true, they are perfectly nice boobs – they remind me of two slices of german sausage.
As she gets ready to go out, dressed only in lingerie, Rick grabs the camera and films her. She’s going out with her friends, but Rick has another suggestion: ‘Can’t you just stay home and suck my cock?’ Paris gets rightfully annoyed and asks him to stop ‘[talking] to me like I’m an animal.’ You go girl! After coaxing her out of the closet, where she hid from the camera, Rick puts on his most charming voice and becomes the romantic gentleman she always wanted: ‘Baby, you look so fucking gorgeous, it’s crazy. Now tell me you want me to suck your pussy.’
I’m no expert with the ladies, but this film seems to be a educational video on how not to treat women. And yet… she relents, every time. She tries, weakly, to stand up for herself but he charms his way in every time:
Rick: You like a little sucky-sucky?
Paris: Ew! You’re a weinerhead!
She uses words like weinerhead and she has no pubic hair. I’m beginning to feel a bit skanky.
The Subtle Art of Cunnilingus
So we reach the part of the film where Rick gives back. He introduces this segment by reassuring us that all the filming was ‘totally legal, I swear’, which is good to know. So what’s this scene about, Rick? ‘She’s about to get a suck down!’ Righto.
Unfortunately, Rick isn’t very good at oral sex, either. Paris is less than thrilled about him giving her a sexual treat; she’s well aware that she’s not going to get much out of it. Furthermore, he manages to hurt her, quite frequently. He’s combining two of the softest parts of the human body and he still manages to hurt her. What is he doing down there?
He goes down on her in an armchair for a while, and then gets uncomfortable (anther running theme) so they continue on the bed. And his attempt to give her just the merest hint of pleasure goes on and on (and on, and Ariston). She’s pretty much fallen asleep. He’s trying his hardest, but nothing is happening. Nothing.
They give up the cunnilingus as a bad job and decide to have some sex. Unfortunately, Rick is not the most sensitive lover
Paris: Owwww…. owww.. it hurts
Rick: Oh, that feels good.
Rick: Oh yeah!
Paris: Ow! Owwww…
Rick: You sissy!
Rick: You like my big cock?
This is the most uncomfortable sex scene I’ve ever had to watch. Every passing moment makes me want to punch Rick Salomon right in his bald penis.
And so Rick introduces us to the final scene, the one we’ve all been waiting for, apparently: a non-night-vision blowjob. He talks us through how he oriented the camera (he used his hands) and how Paris gives an award-winning blowjob.
But… I’m tired by this point. What can I say about this scene? A blow-job’s a blowjob and Rick is still a n indescribable cockwalrus, so let’s just say that Paris manages to conclude matters in a way that Rick could not.
This movie makes no sense for two main reasons:
1) It’s not sexy. It’s awkward sex – they are frequently uncomfortable, in pain, arguing or Paris is being coerced into doing things she really isn’t happy doing. It’s frequently boring – whenever Rick attempts anything vaguely adventurous he manages to hurt one or both of them. It all feels a little bit… rapey? I mean, clearly it’s all consensual but Rick has to badger Paris into doing all this stuff on camera. And while Paris keeps saying she loves him, Rick keeps talking about ‘pussies’ and ‘sucking’. It’s just a wee bit creepy.
2) Rick comes off really badly. Why did he release this? OK he made a load of money, but he looks like an arsehole, a bad lover and a creepy exploitative sex pest. He can’t make her orgasm, he doesn’t care when she’s uncomfortable, he creeps around trying to video her vagina when she’s busy… would any woman want to be with him after this? He does have a big penis, I guess.
People of Earth, I leave you with this warning: never make a sex tape. Unless you’re being directed by a professional, you will almost certainly create the worst pornography ever, in the world, ever, ever, ever. And also, one day you may find me reviewing it, scene by scene, on the internet.