Made In Chelsea: Season 2 Episode 1 by sel

OMG! Made In Chelsea is TOTES back, yah! Previously there was hair and douchery and bitchface and stirring and fluffed lines and failed sporting endeavours. I’m expecting more of the same.

Spencer’s got himself a new haircut. It is still as douchelordy as his previous one, if not more so. Especially as he seems to be making East London hipster douches his new inspiration. He’s at the airport. Is he meeting Caggie? Is he?! No. She’s still “in New York”. He’s there to meet a new character, sorry REAL LIFE FRIEND, Jamie. Jamie is horrified that he had to fly on a budget airline and sit next to a fat girl. He’s going to be a TREAT.

Ollie is hanging out with Binky and Cheshka. His eyebrows are a disaster, darlings. He simply must go and see Johanna to maintain their exquisiteness. His eyebrow game can never be as great as Mark-Francis’ though. Cheshka manages to spill wine over Ollie’s faux antique chest. Only it’s not his, it’s Chloe’s. Chloe is his new girlfriend. Totes dramz. Binky and Cheshka haven’t met her yet and can’t believe that Ollie is going out with a girl when he dumped Needy Gabriella to go out with boys.

Francis Boulle CEO is still trying to maintain this businessman persona. He’s in his office entertaining some sprout faced boys who have come to mine his wisdom. They have no questions for him because they haven’t been briefed appropriately. But anyway, it turns out that Francis is taking it upon himself to teach the feral youth of the country proper grammar via the medium of his new Francis Boulle Foundation so that they may be more eloquent when they mug him. Amazing.

Needy Gabriella is back to continue her stalking of Ollie. She goes round to his place to see if she left a bracelet there. Totes awkward. Needy Gabriella whines about Ollie not talking to her or replying to her texts. Ollie would call 999 if she was stranded on a beach which I think is supposed to be nice. Ollie is also peeved that Needy Gabriella has moved in on Binky and Cheshka and stolen them to be her friends when they’re HIS best girlfriends.

Spencer and Jamie have gone to help Hugo move house. Well, wait for the help to turn up. Jamie outdouches Spencer with his tales of travel. Hugo and Spencer debate the meaning of being a bachelor which only spells future dramz. Millie turns up with a present. Which is a picture of her and Hugo. And a poem. Oh Millie. Jamie sniggers as Hugo reads the poem. I can hardly believe they found someone more execrable than Spencer. Millie feels the awkwardness and mopes off leaving Spencer, Jamie and Hugo to discuss ‘The Game’ which is apparently being single and trying to get with girls. Poor Hugo is feeling left out.

He should worry though that Millie is hanging out with Stirrer Rosie and her Wide Eyes Of Doom. And whinging about how she thinks he was nicer to her when they were friends. Oh, a new character for us! Victoria is apparently friends from way back with Rosie. I think she’s supposed to be one of those European faux princesses. Her face is puzzling and possibly the stuff of nightmares. Anyway, Millie leaves them to it and Stirrer Rosie wastes no time in telling Victoria about her and Hugo’s relationship woes. Victoria has excellent bitchface game – could she be after Hugo?!

Jamie has to go and see his bank manager. He gets an Apprentice style interview about his holiday habits. Three holidays in a month? You’re having a facking laaaarrrrffff. Jamie’s burning through his trust fund too fast it seems and this common upstart threatens to cancel his credit cards if he carries on spending money like it’s the last days of Versailles.

Ollie is pretending that he does such bucolic activities like fishing. He’s wading with new girlfriend Chloe when Binky and Cheshka show up. Hysterics ensue as there’s maggots flung around. It’s all incredibly odd. Then they eat the spoils of the fish counter at Waitrose and it’s all a bit awkward for Binky and Cheshka as they realise that not only does Chloe have a normal name but they’re friends with Needy Gabriella.

It’s Spencer’s birthday so a bunch of people have been hired to hang out in a party situation for him. Francis Boulle CEO is trying to chat up Louise. Louise is wearing ill advised black lipstick which she then wastes no time in smearing it on Spencer as he sweeps in to steal Francis’ sugar.

Hurrah! Exquisite Mark-Francis is hanging out with Bitchface Amber and someone called Gabalicious. AMAZING. Gabalicious. You couldn’t even make that up. They’re comparing handbags to snakes.

Euro posho Victoria (who looks at least 10 years older than she probably is) is chatting to Hugo about him helping to choose models for her bikini collection. Of course she has a bikini collection. What else would she do?

This isn’t helping ‘the talk of Chelsea’ that Hugo is cheating on Millie. It’s got to Cheshka so EVERYONE must be talking about it because let’s face it, no one would willingly tell her first.

Spencer and Hugo are talking about women. Or maybe cake. Who knows. Spencer mentions a love bakery. A love bakery. Totes amaze. I don’t know what they were going on about but now I’m hungry for cake.

Cheshka goes to find Louise to tell her about the rumours about Hugo. Louise has heard them too. How has Millie not heard them? Or has she heard them and is waiting to see what comes next in the script?

Oh, it turns out she has heard them. So she phones Caggie in her “New York” hotel room to bleat about how awful it is being with Hugo. Caggie has better things to do like look in the mirror so she isn’t really paying attention and then that’s it.

Next week, Caggie “returns” from “New York”! Needy Gabriella wears more ill advised dresses! Exquisite Mark-Francis!

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