Australia – The Devil’s Petstore by Tim Ward
Ah Australia. Sun, sea, surf, er, Neighbours, that big rock thing – it’s got a lot to offer visitors. Every year millions of happy-go-lucky travellers go in search of the Sydney Opera house, the Great Barrier Reef and of course, Toady.
However, Australia doesn’t want you. No. Australia wants to kill you dead. Not the people. Obviously. We don’t want to offend an entire race of people. But their animals. Oh yeah, their animals. They’ve got shit over there that’ll kill you to bits.
Snakes
Out of the top 10 deadliest snakes in the world SIX live in Oz. SIX! If you read that, why the hell would you visit? I know what you’re thinking, “But Tim, surely this overgrown worm-bastards live out in the Bush and I’m perfectly safe in my lovely hotel on by the beach?”
Yeah, sure, go on. Hop in the sea for a dive.
Oh God, what the hell are they?!
That is a sea snake, one of 32 types off Australia ALONE, and that fucker could grow to be 9ft long. And they have venom. A few milligrams is strong enough to kill 1000 people. Got that? It’s a 9ft long tube of sea-based death.
And that’s just one type of snake. In the sea! Bet you were too busy worrying about sharks. Actually, there is something else more than happy to ensure you have a dive time trying to find beside Jaws.
Stonefish
Fish are nice aren’t they? Either to eat or on the counters of Chinese takeaways waiting for, um, something to eat. Some fish however are just plain horrible. The stonefish is one such fish. It’s the most venomous fish in the world, which can even be fatal. Now with some animals that are dangerous, they have bright colours or striking features to warn off other animals or humans.
But the stonefish looks like a fucking stone! It purposely disguises itself as a stone, in the sea, which is already a hard enough place to spot stuff as it is. One thing they do have which stones don’t is sodding needle-like spines on their backs which secrete neurotoxins. What a prick.
Spiders
Right, fuck the sea. Sea snakes and stonefish are bad enough, and we ain’t even touched upon sharks, jellyfish or The Ol’ Man of the Barrier Reef – a drunk man in a dingy throwing bricks at swimmers.
So, back on dry land and, inevitably, spiders. Australia is just plain greedy when it comes having eight-legged death machines. Funnel-web spiders, trapdoor spiders and bird-eating spiders – you know you’re in trouble when a even the birds are screwed.
How about the huntsman spider? These mothers can grow to have up to a 12 inch legspan. THAT’S A FOOT. A foot wide spider! No. Just, just no. They’re also known as giant crab spiders, which are three words that shouldn’t be included next to each other.
Although they aren’t regarding as dangerous, their bites can result in prolonged pain, inflammation, headache, vomiting and irregular pulse rate. So, yeah not dangerous at all apart from all that shit that happens.
Saltwater crocodiles
We all know that Steve Irwin’s crush are dangerous. Like, 20ft long, 1.3 tonnes of danger. They live in Northern Australia and across the Indo-Pacific region and although attacks are rare you still wouldn’t want to bump into one while dodging spiders.
Unconfirmed reports state his blood spelt out "Fuck you and your hat, you fat twat"
When it comes to eating, these things get what they want, like a Texan at a BBQ-athon. They can potentially “eat any animals that enter their territory” – not “attack”, “eat”. They have been own to eat monkeys, kangaroos, wild boar, dingos, goannas, birds, domestic livestock, pets, humans, water buffalo and even sharks. Yeah – so, anything. If it moves, they’ll bloody eat it. Like a Texan at a, oh, I’ve done that one.
Although not in Australia, back in 1945, during the Japanese retreat in the Battle of Ramree Island, saltwater crocodiles may have been responsible for the deaths of 400 Japanese soldiers. British soldiers encircled the swampland through which the Japanese were retreating, condemning the Japanese to a night in the mangroves which was home to thousands of saltwater crocodiles. Fuck.
Box jellyfish
So, if you’ve lost your mind and think that going back into the sea around Northern Australia is suddenly a good idea, despite of bloody everything, you might want to look out for the chironex fleckeri, or box jellyfish.
It is the most dangerous jellyfish in the world, and can grow to nearly 10ft long. Their tentacles are covered in tiny stinging cells called cnidocytes. So, what’s this sting like?
The sting produces excruciating pain accompanied by an intense burning sensation, and the venom has multiple effects, attacking the nervous system, heart, and skin at the same time.
Oh. Oh, well that’s, um, horrible.
Fatalities have been observed as little as four minutes after envenomation, notably quicker than any snake, insect or spider. Occasionally a person swimming who gets stung will undergo cardiac arrest or drown before they can even get back to the shore or boat.
Oh shit! I forgot my waterwings!
So, this floating, see through mass of stings and hell has the ability to kill you in four minutes, from either a heart attack, or just drowning - which you might deserve to for deciding to go back into a watery hell ground of doom.
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As someone who spent a year in Australia, I can tell you first hand that the most deadly animal in the country is a pissed-up Irish backpacker in a Gaelic Football Shirt. *shudders*
Oh thanks a bloody million. I’m off to the Gold Coast and then Sydney nine weeks today and was idly day dreaming about two weeks of relaxing, sunshine, Shiraz, Barbecues the size of small caravans and seafood, tasty tasty seafood; but now that you’ve reminded me about the ‘wildlife’, I’m considering ditching my array of cargo shorts and twatty t-shirts and instead simply packing a suit of armour and a harpoon gun.
Yeah, but kangaroo are pretty cuddle though.
Actually, that’s not true either, if you try to cuddle one it is likely to lean back on its tail and rake your guts into a steaming pile of offal with the claws on its overly muscled bounce legs.
What about koalas? Well, they have claws which will turn you into a skeleton covered with thin strips of flesh. Bugger.
What the hell, man up, come over, buy a crocodile wrestlers tee shirt and wear it to a bar in the USA. I guarantee you won’t pay for more than one drink.