Nicolas Cage is an undead vampire by Tim Ward

OK, so last week I wrote about stuff you can buy on eBay. Well, there was one thing I missed – evidence that Nicolas Cage is an undead vampire.

That’s right – according to an astonishing ‘story’ in train-seat-bothering Metro, you can buy photographic evidence that perennial shitehawk actor Cage is one of Satan’s minions.

Jack Mord is asking for $1million for a photo of a man, believed to have lived in Tennessee around the time of the American Civil War, who has a resemblance to the Hollywood star.

The eBay listing for the photo reads: ‘Original c.1870 carte de visite [a type of small photograph] showing a man who looks exactly like Nick Cage.

‘Personally, I believe it’s him and that he is some sort of walking undead / vampire… who quickens / reinvents himself once every 75 years or so.

’150 years from now, he might be a politician, the leader of a cult, or a talk show host.’

Now, I know what you’re thinking – it just happens to be a man who looks a bit like The Worst Thing About the film The Rock. And anyway, Niccy C is looking a bit old these days – surely the undead don’t age?

‘My theory is that he allows himself to age to a certain point, maybe 70, 80 or so, then the actor “Nicolas Cage” will “die” … but in reality, the undead vampire “Nicolas Cage” will have rejuvenated himself and appeared in some other part of the world, young again, and ready to start all over.’

Well, I’m glad that’s cleared up  - expect The Socerer’s Apprentice 2 around 2052.

Happy bidding!

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