The X Factor 2011 Auditions: Episode 5 by sel

BRACE! BRACE! BRACE! It’s the final weekend of freaks and geeks in the auditions shows! There’s awfulness! Tears! Kelly getting over excited about EVERYTHING! Boss Eyed Gary being disdainful of EVERYONE! Louis not knowing what the hell is GOING ON! Dermot wearing turtle neck tops and looking like a HIPSTER SAILOR!

This week they start off in Cardiff. Kelly is offered some cheese on toast which in Welsh is rarebit. She thinks it’s rabbit and doesn’t understand what’s going on and is a bit scared. Just eat the bloody cheese on toast.

What she should be scared of is Natasha. Natasha apparently has no shame and possibly no underwear and gives the judges an eyeful. She’s predictably awful and in a vomit inducing way. Then we meet Dafydd who looks like he’s having a fit. Then Ceri scares everyone by shrieking Wuthering Heights. Did Tom Jones really come from Wales? [As an aside, they should totally have a Tom Jones week in the live shows. I love Tom Jones.]

Oh, it’s ok. They’ve moved things around a bit and we meet another person through to the Judges’ Houses. He’s John Adams. He looks quite pretty despite his wig hair helmet. His sob story is… er, he’s a maths teacher. My maths teacher never looked like that but y’know, I learnt a lot about maths so I win. He’s alright, a bit vanilla but hey, that’s what wins. He is Maths Cardle if you will [thanks Miss SuperCracko for that bon mot].

We then see a bunch of people who are not only awful but old as well. How dare they dare to have ambition at their age! But then we meet Michelle. Michelle is a Mammy. She claims she’s 31. There is not one person who watched this who believed she is actually 31. We can believe 41 or that her family have sucked the very life out of her. She’s an average pub singer but because she reminds Tulisa of her mum and makes her cry and everyone else cry then she gets through.

So, remember how we know the groups are always rubbish? Yeah. Meet 2 Shoes. Think of every single Essex stereotype you know. They are the living embodiment of it. Louis asks them what they’d buy with the money, understanding straight away that that’s what they’re all about. They then have to explain what micropigs are to him which is bizarre. Then they start singing. And they can actually sing. WAIT! This is not the narrative we’re used to! Everyone loves them except for Kelly. She forgets the contract and becomes the voice of reason and rejects them for being a bit too karaoke. If they get through to the live shows, they’ll be gone in week one.

There’s then a montage of girls who are through to Boot Camp. Then we have a montage of the judges disagreeing over average people who have to go through to make up the numbers.

Then we meet the next person through to the Judges’ Houses. Remember spotty faced John from last year? He got to Dannii’s house and she told him to bugger off. He’s come back and is asked by Tulisa what has changed. Nothing has changed. Apart from he bought himself a stupid Olly Murs hat and all the concealer and put it all on his face at once. He bought some skinny jeans as well to highlight how dementedly scrawny his legs are in proportion to the rest of him. His singing makes the judges stand up to applaud or maybe they just want a better view of his freaky legs. They love that he’s a fighter and made a come back. Brilliant. See him in the final twelve this year and wonder whether it’s because he got better or the competition got worse.

And so to the last of the audition shows. Will we meet the future winner here? Will we heck as like. We meet Neil and Margaret first. They prove that there is a special someone for everyone. Because they know groups are rubbish, they’re auditioning separately. Oh. Because Margaret has won everyone over with the story of how they met, Tulisa tries to be kind when offering up her criticism. Kelly and Gary don’t hold back though. Poor Margaret. Then it’s Neil’s turn. Do we think Neil’s any good? No. No we don’t. Especially as he sounds like he’s slipping in some death metal “Woooorggghhhh” at inappropriate moments. They have each other though which is… nice.

Tonight’s sob story is from Bradley. He’s academically stupid and a scally. He’s been to juvey and wants to prove he’s not a bad lad. He sings that song by Ed Sheerin which is rubbish but everyone thinks is amazing. And he sings it alright if you like your singers to sound like they might pass out from not breathing properly. Bless him. He even gets the Louis Likeability Badge.
Because we had a montage of the girls through to Boot Camp yesterday, we now have a montage of the boys through before we meet Terry. Terry’s 51, a lorry driver and a Just For Men fan. Terry thinks he might be too old to be a singer. What might do it for him is his Mariah arm moving the mic up and down like a whore’s drawers. Terry’s nice though and he’s alright at singing so he’s through.

Over 25 montage time now. There’s some good ones then some bad ones. Poor Gary. They all want to sing his songs. It must be like hearing your kitten being kicked.

It’s ok though. Ceri Rees is back. I’m not sure why her carers keep letting her do it. She thinks it’s Horrid Simon’s fault she’s not got through but she’ll be set now he’s not there. She’s brought some flowers for Louis. It’s vaguely heartbreaking as she messes up a Les Miserables song. They let her try to sing Whitney Houston instead. Proving their diplomatic credentials, the judges make their noes as nice as possible.

And then that’s that. What have we learnt? Well, we’ve learnt that no one needs Simon or Cheryl. We’ve learnt that our cold, cold hearts of stone can be made to fell vaguely tepid by some people. We’ve learnt that no one will ever top Wagner. We’ve learnt that the youth of the country have AWFUL hair. We’ve learnt that Boss Eyed Gary is strangely alluring. We’ve learnt that the groups are still rubbish. We’ve learnt that Supportive Living Relatives top Dead Dads in this year’s sob story stakes. But we’ve learnt that nothing, but nothing, is more depressing and more of a sob story than coming from Fife.

Next week, the fun is UNRELENTING as we get two lots of Boot Camp mayhem. Amazing.

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