Katie Price is frustrated. Years and years have gone by, endless interview after interview, and no one is asking the questions she wants to answer. Why are no journalists grilling the former glamour model on how to prepare the perfect Sunday roast, or how she loses a few pounds when she’s feeling bloated? Driven almost to despair by her inability to communicate these crucial facts to her loyal fans via her preferred medium- numerous autobiographies, her website and Twitter don’t count, if it’s not set down on thick, glossy paper, it’s not real- Katie has been forced to craft a magazine all for herself. It will cost you just £3.99 to discover that she likes to mop the kitchen floor everyday.*
Here at Shouting at Cows we like to give back to our readers, so I put on my sunglasses and went off to W H Smiths to take the burden of shame on my shoulders. Reader, I bought it, and now it squats in my flat, polluting the atmosphere with pink fumes. I managed to touch it for long enough to find the best bits, before it burnt my hands off. Later I will be putting it in the recycling using tongs.Oh, I wonder what Katie thinks of fellow celeb’s style?
The first dozen pages of the magazine are taken up with Katie’s opinions of other female celebrities’ style. It’s KATIE’S magazine, so I probably won’t surprise you if I tell you that anyone who has a different style from Katie has a big cross scrawled across them. For example, Emma Watson (‘on the plus side though, she’s got a nice face.’) and Nicola Roberts (‘I know she’s trying to be unique, but she doesn’t have the confidence to pull it off.’). J-Lo poured into a snakeskin dress and matching thigh high boots, and Paris Hilton wearing a white jacket with her own name emblazoned on the back, are rightly granted the giant tick of approval.Ah, Katie’s famous roast pork.
Katie is quite the gourmet. While at KFC she will eat a bucket of chicken, at McDonald’s she chooses the healthy option, where her usual order is a chicken Caesar wrap, two cheese burgers, six chicken nuggets with barbecue sauce and a banana milkshake. It’s all about getting the right balance. However, what Katie is really known for is cooking a big Sunday lunch with all the trimmings. For the first time she shares her secret recipe with her readers. For Yorkshire puddings she suggests ‘Buy Aunt Bessie’s- they take five minutes to heat up and taste great.’ This tip is only matched in uselessness by the instructions for peas and sweetcorn- ‘get tinned or frozen, boil, drain and stick in a serving bowl with loads of butter.’If only I knew what Katie’s tattoos mean *ponderous face*
In a double page spread which must rate as one of the most successful pieces of anti-tattoo propaganda I’ve ever seen, Katie details the inspiration behind her many tattoos. Next to a picture of the pink bow on her lower back, she explains,
‘This was one of my first tattoos. It doesn’t mean anything.’
Launch parties: Understated
‘This one around my ankle was inspired by Nicole Richie. I had it done in Cyprus and the tattooist wasn’t very good, so I’ve never been happy with it.’
Oh.
The rose and crown concoction on her left wrist?
‘I don’t particularly like it, but I guess I’ll have to live with it.’
‘Leo 27-02-11’ inscribed on her left ankle?
‘Yes, it’s crazy because I’ve only just got rid of one bloke’s name on me- but so what? We got them done after being in a car accident in Argentina. Things like that make you realise that life is short, and you should seize the moment.’
The…um…thing on her vagina?
‘I had this one done in Brighton just after I’d spilt up from Dane Bowers. It’s on my bits, so it’s a bit cheeky- and it killed!’
I hate to be a pedant but, beyond being the names of people she cares/once cared about, these tattoos don’t actually mean anything at all. And they’re all ugly. *disappointed face*
BUT! Surely there’s more to Katie than this….
In the spirit of the magazine, which eschews traditional editorial style for a series of lists in a big font next to pictures, here’s some random stuff about Katie that you probably never really cared to know,
‘I love the drag queen look.’
REALLY Katie? That is something about you I would never have guessed.
‘I hate having the car’s petrol warning light on’
Phew. I was worried that Katie might be one of those daredevils who like to play roulette with their ability to get to places by ignoring the petrol warning light until the last possible second. WHAT A RELIEF.
‘Whenever I’m around, anything electrical plays up. Film cameras don’t work properly. Laptops play up. It’s very weird.’
No it doesn’t. That’s not a real thing. One more thing…
Katie is always thinking of business, and even uses the magazine to pitch an idea for a new TV show, based on her love of brutal murder…
(WARNING: This is the most amazing thing I have ever read.)
‘I’m actually planning on doing my own documentary where I go to prisons and interview serial killers to try and understand why they’ve committed these murders. I’m really interested in all that. I’ve got books and DVDs on all the most notorious serial killers.’
If this does not get commissioned, my life will never be complete.
*In a stroke of marketing genius, you will also learn that Katie has a new reality/talent show coming out, ‘Signed by Katie Price’, about her search for someone to have a similar career to herself. ‘To me, it’s like bringing out another product, but this time I’m expanding into people’, she says in the interview about her show printed on p85 of her own magazine. Hopefully one day her hideous progeny will have a magazine of their own too.
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Thank you very much for satisfying a horrible craving to know what was inside this hilarious thing! Even the Guardian deceided it was worthy of two articles. I have a feeling the cost is to assure Miss Price that it is a quality publication, (considering Vogue costs £3.60; i think she might have felt as though she was in the same league.) What is she going to write about for so long?! there is only so far the pr publicist stories can go..