The World According to Paris by Hannah
Such is the strength of my commitment to the Shouting at Cows’ Paris Hilton Season I managed to track down a complete episode of her new reality TV show, The World According to Paris! The show concentrates on Paris’s attempts to grow up as she approaches her 30th birthday, and each episode begins with the following voice-over from Paris:
‘Drama always seems to find me. At some point we all have to grow up. I’m almost 30 and I want to settle down and have kids someday, but I have so much going on. I’m starting to realise that my actions have bigger consequences, I can’t even eat like I used to. I knew that things would have to change eventually, I just didn’t know it would be so soon.’
I think these are issues we can all relate to.
The ‘drama’ in this particular episode centres around Paris’s decision to wear a skin tight custom made PVC cat-suit to promote a Spanish motorcycle team, despite having apparently put on a few pounds. It is essentially Paris trying to make peace with her slowing metabolism, and having to start working out.
We begin with Paris having lunch with boyfriend Cy, and stuffing her face with waffles and whipped cream, whilst complaining that she won’t fit into the cat-suit. There are only days to go until she flies to Spain to wear said cat-suit, but Paris can’t be bothered to work out with her Mum in the L.A. sun, on their matching treadmills overlooking their mansion and pool. She walks limply on the treadmill, complaining about being hot and exhausted,
‘Oh god,’ she cries, ‘there has to be an easier way to lose weight.’
Maybe healthy eating is the answer, and with two days to go until Spain Paris goes food shopping with her cousin Brooke. Unfortunately Paris is used to eating whatever she wants, and she wants more pancakes. She barely pauses stuffing her face with room service to squeeze into the cat-suit, while exclaiming, ’I have a fucking camel toe.’
Returning from a whirlwind 24 hours in Spain, Paris returns to catastrophic news. As I imagine happens when you wear a skin tight PVC cat-suit, some pictures have been taken of her from an unflattering angle. Now the internet is on fire with rumours that she is pregnant.
‘Before I was too skinny and people said I was anorexic,’ she wails, ‘now I’m too fat. I can’t win!’
As the shock slowly wears off, Paris starts thinking. Could these bloggers and journalists know something she doesn’t? Could she in fact actually really be pregnant? Racked with insecurity, Paris does the first thing any woman would do in this situation, she gets out the scales. Things are worse than we thought; she’s gained even more weight. What could there possibly be in there but a baby?
Paris calls Cy, presumed father of her food-baby, to tell him that she might be pregnant. He is supportive, and tells her to take a test. Trust a man to make a ridiculous suggestion. Paris isn’t like you or I; the paparazzi would see her buying a pregnancy test. Nor can she send one of her army of assistants. No, the best thing would be if Cy got a plane from Las Vegas and brought her a test. He can’t come until the following day; Paris faces a night of uncertainty.
After calling Cy, Paris goes over to her Mum’s house. Brooke is there, talking about her problems, something about being an alcoholic and the break up of a long term relationship. Paris struggles to think about anyone else at a time like this, ’I'm trying so hard to concentrate on Brooke’s story, but I’m so preoccupied that I can’t even hear what she’s saying.’
Eventually, Paris has pulled a sad face long enough for her Mum to ask her what is wrong, ’I think I might be pregnant.’
After a half hearted attempt to ask her about her period (you know, that generally reliable indicator of whether or not you might be pregnant) Paris’s Mum accepts the faux-pregnancy with the naivety of a child, or perhaps the mother of someone trying to fabricate drama for a reality TV show.
‘This will be a big year,’ says her Mum, ‘you’re turning 30. And the baby.’
THERE IS NO BABY!
Until she can do the pregnancy test tomorrow, Paris is freaked out, and goes to have acupuncture. As she relaxes all her fears about having children come to the surface. Will having children effect her brand? How will she find time to do her music? And how will she give birth when she’s afraid of needles?
These would all be legitimate questions, if she was in fact pregnant.
Now it’s time for a girl’s night out, and Paris does not want to talk about babies. Instead she talks about her other topics; turning thirty, her worries about getting fat, and her insecurities.
‘But why are you insecure?’ Brooke asks.
‘Because my ex-boyfriend did that to me, released the tape and all that. I think people think I’m something I’m not.’
‘You know I’m actually friends with him,’ Brooke reveals, ‘should I not be?’
DRAMATIC MUSIC.
Brooke thought Paris was involved in releasing the sex tape! She’s supposed to be one of Paris’ best friends, how could she think that? Paris would never be in on something like that! She just wants it to be forgotten! She never got a dime from that tape!
OK? Has everyone got that?
Luckily, Brooke’s stupidity has distracted Paris from the pregnancy scare. Result!
The next day dawns, and Paris’s baby-father Cy has turned up with a pregnancy test. ’Have you had any morning sickness?’ he asks, concerned.
‘I don’t know. I am a little nauseous. And my outfit wouldn’t fit in Spain.’
TENSE MUSIC.
Paris opens the test.
‘If it’s a boy, can we name him London? If I had a boy or a girl, whichever is first, I’ve always wanted to name it London,’ Paris asks as they wait for the results.
Cy wisely waits to see the results before commenting on that.
She’s not pregnant! Sorry, London.
‘So, if I’m not pregnant,’ Paris muses, ‘I have to work out.’
Paris is out of excuses, and we see her jogging off into the sunset with Cy. I really don’t know how she’ll find the time, with all the DRAMA in her life.
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“Paris is freaked out, and goes to have acupuncture. As she relaxes all her fears about having children come to the surface… And how will she give birth when she’s afraid of needles?”
I really hope she said this, please let it be true!