The X Factor 2011 Auditions: Episode 4 by sel

Because we haven’t been paying enough attention, we get TWO lots of audition mayhem this week! Assaulting our eyes and ears with booming graphics and shouting and snap editing, we’re assaulted onto the sofa, incapable of doing nothing more than watching with a lingering sense of doom that Christmas is coming and we have to do out shopping on time this year because if we buy presents from the garage again, we’re dumped.

They’re in Manchester. Apparently Boss Eyed Gary has something to do with Manchester. He made the other judges go and see him perform as some sort of pop beat combo by the name of Take That. Louis seemed surprised that Kelly hadn’t seen Take That before, forgetting that a) she’s American and Take That never did that well there and b) she was in Destiny’s Child and busy doing her own concerts.

Because Diva Fever were one of the surprise fun acts last year, the producers have scoured the crowds for something similar. They find something better – the love children of Jedward and Diva Fever. They call themselves Kendro. They have colourful hair and some sort of dance routine and no ability to sing in any sort of tune. So exactly like Jedward and Diva Fever. You can already see that Boss Eyed Gary is disdainful just as you can already see that Louis is making plans for them. Kelly and Tulisa had fun but Gary? Well, he thinks they’re everything that’s wrong with X Factor. Louis and Tulisa say yes, Gary says no which leaves Kelly to be the sole voice of reason. You’d think , but then Louis reminds her of their contractual obligations to provide at least one novelty act so she says yes.

Gary is busy trying to convince Kelly Manchester isn’t the arse end of nowhere so for entertainment purposes, we’re treated to a selection of the awfulness that turned up. Luckily, Samantha has turned up to tick every single Northern cliché. She’s a barmaid – tick. She’s wearing ten tonnes of leopard print – tick. Big and brassy? Tick. As an extra she has a double jointed elbow which is the tipping point for Dermot to find the nearest place to throw up and curse Steve Jones for getting the US job. Sami does that singshouting thing which pub singers seem to think conveys power or something. Because no one expected it, it’s rather good. So good that Boss Eyed Gary STANDS UP TO APPLAUD. I repeat, Boss Eyed Gary joined in with Kelly’s crazy antics and stood up.

We’ve not had any groups for a while. They’re always rubbish, aren’t they? Yes, yes they are. Especially when they feature people who’ve auditioned before who got as far as Boot Camp to provide some drama. Which is exactly what happens with Twisted. They feature Chrissie who was on last year (no I don’t remember either). The judges all think that Chrissie got the band together to provide backing vocals. Only Tulisa says yes but then, what’s this? Kelly going out to persuade Chrissie to go it alone? But of course. So she auditions on her own, is much better and gets a load of bitch death stares from her discarded group.

This week’s sob story is from Lascel. He was in foster care because his mum’s bipolar. Again, this is a much more significant sob story than Janet’s Field Of Despairing Loneliness or the entire town of Fife. We will have a dead relative by the end of the auditions. Lascel didn’t get the Adele memo so he’s been practicing Kings Of Leon but a reworked version of Use Somebody that manages to change it up into a much better song which he sings brilliantly. GODDAMMIT!!!! Stop making me like these people! Especially the ones with the sob stories. The producers shove his mum on the stage with him to compound the emotion. Of course Kelly is crying, you didn’t need me to tell you that, like you don’t need me to tell you that he gets four yeses.

We get less than 24 hours to recover from the madness before we’re thrown in all over again. Apparently it’s Tulisa’s birthday so they got her a present. She gets a topless butler for the day. Louis obviously drew the straw to choose the present and stuck to the “give a gift you’d like yourself” practice.
We meet Marcus first. He’s a hairdresser and he sings. Guess what his clients call him? Go, on you’ll NEVER guess! Oh. Yes, you’re right, they do indeed call him The Singing Hairdresser. Right. Well. He sprays a can of hairspray in his face and gets out there. His biggest ambition is to be well known and to be able to shop in M&S. I’m not quite sure he’s got the hang of this yet. Or maybe he has and he’s totally on board with the new sponsorship message. I don’t think he’s that cunning though. He is smiley and can sing a bit and generally likeable so that’s him at Boot Camp.

Next a montage of other people through to Boot Camp. That’s dull though. Who watches the auditions to see good people? No one, that’s why they introduce us to Graham. Graham is 52 and goes to the gym to help his overall Hulk look. He wants to be a pop star because you get an above average wage and women. He’s had a taste of this high life when small crowds of women gather around when he does karaoke. No one is sure who these women are. He sings She Bangs like he was coached by Vic Reeves’ club singer. Louis isn’t sure he’s heard enough so Graham sings the song he normally sings to the laydeez at the karaoke. It’s the very definition of car crash telly. He takes it well though and we can only presume that he Hulk smashes his way back to the karaoke laydeez.

Louis breaks the habit of a lifetime and says no to Aisling from Dublin. That’s how bad she was. She wasn’t even entertainingly bad like Bharat who wants to be a pop staaaaaaaaaarrrrrrr. There follows more boringly bad people then we meet tiny Thom Yorke lookalike Harry. Harry is properly nervous. He did get the Adele memo and dutifully messes up Rolling In The Deep thanks to his nerves. Lots of other people mess up thanks to their nerves and there’s lots of no flying around. Somebody else who’s nervous is JonJo. He’s wearing a stupid Olly Murs hat that manages to look even more stupid than an Olly Murs hat. He’s a soldier and has a very pregnant wife which is a plethora of bonus sympathy points all in one hit. Because it’s verboten to be mean to one of Our Boys, JonJo gets at least 10 chances to shout his way through Handbags and Gladrags. If only Tiny Thom had been a soldier, eh?

Then we meet this week’s Definitely At The Judges’ Houses person. She is Amelia Lily and is from the Ali Lohan school of How Old?! Allegedly, she’s 16 but manages to look at least 26 with her best Christina Aguilera drag queen make-up. She doesn’t have a sob story – her family are alive and super supportive -so she’s been busy practicing her Aguilera shouting to get her through. She manages to impress everyone. Tulisa thinks she looks like a superstar. More like a model for New Look but never mind, we’ll see her in the final 12.

And so, next week we get ANOTHER DOUBLE WHAMMY that somehow stays just the right side of the Geneva Convention.

Exhausting.

Comments

1. chainbear says:

   September 13, 2011 at 10:52 pm

   ok, i’ve got an idea: Michael Bay should direct the X Factor. Can you imagine the sheer intensity?
2. Sel says:

   September 14, 2011 at 9:56 am

   The ingredients are there – they already have those pathetic explosion thingys and helicopters, they’re just missing the sunsets. Not sure my retinas could cope though – I felt travel sick when I watched Transformers. Or maybe I was just feeling sick because I was watching Transformers….

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