Strictly Come Dancing: Meet the Dancers by shoutingatco.ws

We’ve never really watched Strictly Come Dancing in the past – the Saturday shows have clashed with the X Factor, and the prospect of spending an hour with Brucie is almost too much to bear.  Tonight’s preview show is all about meeting the celebrities, and finding out who their dance partners will be, so we’re on board.  Are you excited?  Are you?  Are you really?

We’re not sure what the criteria are for pairing them off, but we suspect that some of the celebrities’ spouses will be sat in the audience praying for an ugly dancer.  Really, it’s just an extended excuse for Bruce to imply that each pair will be doing more than just dancing.  It’s not like it was in your day, old man.

The One Show’s pound-shop Christine Bleakley, Alex Jones.  She’s a bit of a personality vacuum, and sort of quietly stands there like she’s waiting for Chris Evans or Matt Baker to do the work for her.

EastEnders’ most famous divorce-paper recipient, Anita Dobson.   Her husband, Queen rocker Brian May is now the dead spit of Governor Swann from Pirates of the Carribbean.

Former Olympian and double-hard boxer, Audley Harrison.  Cue lots of tedious puns about his profession, and how he’ll be a “knockout” and please-don’t-hit-me-hahahahaha. Shut up, everyone.

If you’re one of the seven people who watch Waterloo Road, you’ll have heard of Chelsee Healey.  She has the most preposterously large breasts on the telly.  Thank God we’re not watching in 3D.  She nearly takes someone’s eye out as she runs up the stairs.

Former tennis player and stand-in for Adrian Chiles in the morning, Dan Lobb.  Bruce makes some weak jokes about having problems with GMTV presenters, before realising that he’s actually from Daybreak, and hastily fixing the joke.  We say “joke”…

Norma Major’s love-rival, and chicken worrier, Edwina Currie.  She treats it as a Big Brother audition, talking about being all outspoken and how she’s always ready for a ruck.  She’ll be insufferable by week three, if she hasn’t been thrown off for knocking out Audley.

Drummer from McFly, and personality vacuum, Harry Judd.  Harry is almost embarrassed to be on stage, especially with one of his band-mates sat in the crowd, chuckling at him.  Bruce tries to set him up with Alesha Dixon, and warns him about the dangers of going back to her room.  Bordering on weird, Brucie.

Aussie package of loveliness Holly Valance.  Brucie wants to be her dance partner.  Cos she’s lovely, see.  “Who’s a lucky boy?” coos Bruce at her partner.  I think he thinks she’s lovely.

From a pretend marriage to Kylie, to flogging nasty sausage rolls in Iceland adverts, Jason Donovan.  Continuing the Aussie love-in, Bruce awkwardly flirts with him.  And then his dancer can barely get off of him.  Everyone loves Jason!

Singer, dancer, model and Flora Pro-Activ spokesperson Lulu.  Despite being older than Bruce, she’s terrifyingly ageless and will probably still hang on for another hundred years.  Her dance partner gives her an unceremonious fireman’s lift up the stairs, and promptly flashes her arse to the nation.  Flying start.

Successful lawyer, but really only famous for having a cheeky fling with Sven-Goran Eriksson, Nancy Dell’Olio.  She’s partnered up with the only dancer we know, giant-headed Rob Brydon lookalike, Anton Du Beke.

Premier League ladyboy and Twitter’s wind-up merchant, Robbie Savage.  900 year old judge Len talks about Robbie’s football career with all the conviction of that IT Crowd episode.  “Thing about Arsenal is they always try and walk it in!”

Oh-god-he’ll-do-impressions-of-the-judges, Rory Bremner.  True to form, his interview is a string of tedious impressions thrown in for seemingly no reason.  Oh, and then he does an impression of Bruce in front of Bruce.  We say “impression”, we mean “approximation”, so well done, Rory.

Star-gazing fortune teller Russell Grant.  Russell has lost ten stone, and is on the show to lose a bit more.  He’s like a camp Christopher Biggins.  Oh man, he’s absolutely amazing.  The facial expressions, the marching, the pointing!  We’re backing Grant all the way.

The show is rounded off with a hastily arranged group dance, which has all the hallmarks of a weird school disco, complete with embarrassed faces and shuffling in the dark.

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