The X Factor 2011 Auditions: Episode 3 by sel

Previously on The X Factor, screaming, shouting, awfulness. This week? Screaming, shouting and awfulness.

Kelly still thinks she’s going to find an icon. Tulisa wants some urban awesomeness and Gary wants talent. Louis knows this thing inside out though and just wants someone who wants to be a pop star. Much more achievable.

The producers have evidently decided we’ve not had enough freaks yet so they shove David Wilder in our faces. He wants to be a rock legend like Jagger. No, no I go that wrong. He wants to be like David Wilder. OF COURSE. He thinks Bowie is the way forward and goes right into the judges’ faces as well and then into the audience. They love it. Who wouldn’t? He’s an entertaining crazy dude. Gary has finally got it and despite it being awful, he loved it. Everyone did so we’ll see David again. Can’t wait.

Proving that Simon Cowell has single handedly killed the useful ambitions of the nation’s youth, we’re treated to a bunch of kids whose only ambition on their 16th birthday was to audition for the X Factor. What happened to wanting to be something useful like an engineer or a doctor? There’s a lot of curly hair and puppy fat going on to accompany the not very good singing. Parents, please stop telling your children that they’re talented when they’re clearly not. It’s just cruel and means that snarky people like me laugh at them and not with them.

Then we meet Luke Lucas. Joining in with the theme this week to take some of the love away from Kelly, he loves Tulisa so much he wants to touch her face. Which is a bit creepy and could possibly get you arrested. He is charming enough to get a kiss from her though. And then what do you know? The little wannabe face stroker can actually sing. Seriously, enough with the heart warming loveliness.

Remember the Michael Jackson guy from last year? He’s back. He’s another one who claims he’s learnt from his mistakes. He’s worried Louis will remember him. Louis doesn’t remember his own name sometimes so I wouldn’t worry. Louis pretends to remember thanks to the giant notes the production team made for him. The best thing I can say is that he has some natty gold trainers. But who on earth would choose to audition with a Geri Halliwell “song”? That tells you everything you need to know about him. Apart from he attempts to stay on the stage until Gary goes up to SORT ‘IM AHHHHHHT with his scary boss eyed look. Yes.

We get a brief montage of awfulness before we meet Angel, who are a girl trio. They’re awful too. Tulisa tells them so and one of them throws back some sort of retort. Well, the lesson here is don’t insult one of Kelly’s girls. She dishes out a verbal smackdown and so they go home, threatening to cut a bitch or something.

This week’s sob story comes from Jade and her gran and the fact she’s from Fife. I imagine Fife is quite awful in a way Janet’s Field Of Despairing Loneliness isn’t so I’ll accept that as a sob story. And her gran is still alive which is nice twist on the inspirational relative story. Because there’s some sort of law now about Adele, Jade sings an Adele song. Kelly is so upset about poor Jade having to live in Fife, that she’s crying before it even starts and then she had a dream about it or something. Who knows. Oh lordy, and now Louis’ crying too. Who knew living in Fife was so upsetting?! Almost as upsetting as Jade’s eyebrows. I was crying about those.

So there we have it. This weekend there’s TWO lots of X Factor screaming, shouting and awfulness. Amazing.

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