The Room was recommended to me by Shouting at Cows’ own Hannah, who pestered me constantly until I finally sat down and watched it. And after I watched it, I didn’t know what to do anymore. I read every IMDB and Wikipedia page related to The Room. I read interviews with the cast. I watched related YouTube video clips and montages. I felt a similar experience after watching Mulholland Drive, which sadistically pulls the rug out from under you at its conclusion and leaves you utterly bewildered. You start to wonder if, perhaps, there is something wrong with you, and not the film.

I’m not convinced that simple words can express this film to you. If I weren’t so egotistical as to want you to read my review, I’d suggest you stop now and go and watch the film for yourself. Don’t let the bizarre DVD cover put you off. Go and watch it.

For those of you remaining (or returning), I will do my best to bring the experience to you. This will probably be a long one. But stick with it!

 

Act 1

 

I’m going to be honest with you. For the first third of this film, I thought Hannah had tricked me into watch a softcore porn film of the old-school Channel 5 variety. Literally, the first half an hour is a series of mundane dialogues designed to force the characters into overly long sex scenes, underscored by smooth RnB synth and viewed through an overly vaselined lens. The sex scenes last about 5 minutes each, possibly because the film makers didn’t know how to edit full-length songs down to a more reasonable time. We’ll get to these sexy moments in just a second, after we set the scene.

The Room is produced, directed and written by Tommy Wiseau. He is also the lead actor in this film, playing the part of Johnny. The film makes much more sense if you assume Johnny is a malfunctioning sex robot who Lisa (his fiancée) has tried (and failed) to integrate into society. He consistently acts with entirely the wrong emotion for the lines he’s reading, ignores all punctuation and separates his sentences with a bizarre false laugh that he appears to have learned by watching anime cartoons. It reminds me of the scenes from the director’s cut of Terminator 2, where John Connor is teaching Arnie to be human.

Johnny is engaged to Lisa, a pretty young lady who is clearly about a billion years younger than him. She has chosen to play her role with an understated indifference, not putting any emotion at all into her lines – possibly to balance out Johnny pronouncing each individual word with its own unique emotion. Johnny comes home with some flowers for Lisa and about 5 lines into the film, they start romancing it up and making moves towards the bedroom… But, before they can get down to business, in runs Denny!

Now, Denny is a college kid that Johnny once wanted to adopt. We don’t know if he ever did adopt Denny, but he definitely thinks of the boy as his son. Denny is about 19 years old, but seems to be possessed by a five year old. He is completely unaware of social norms, has trouble taking hints and seems to have very little sense of subtlety. For an immediate example: Lisa and Johnny suggest to Denny that they are going to the bedroom for some ‘alone time’. Denny seems to understand, but after 30 seconds he leaps into bed with them and they all have a good laugh about it. I don’t understand what’s happening. And I never will. Denny’s apparently mental retardation is never, ever explained. ‘I just like to watch you guys,’ he explains. And they all have another good laugh at cheeky ol’ Denny.

After they finally get rid of Denny, the first of many sex scenes begins. The RnB kicks off and they smile each other. They hit each other with a pillow and giggle sweetly. The scene fades out…

…the scene fades back in. They are still hitting each other with a pillow. At the risk of sounding like a selfish and terrible lover: this is possibly the longest foreplay I’ve ever seen. Hours seem to pass before they even become partly naked and even then they seem to prefer to stroke each other with a rose than actually kiss or touch their sexy parts. Eventually they start doing the nasty, but from the shooting angle, I’m pretty sure Johnny is penetrating her right in the belly button. I’m 80% sure this is bad film making, but – just in case it’s something karma-sutric – I’m going to suggest it to m’ wife. After the sex there is a random scene when Johnny is asleep and Lisa sits up topless, for no apparent reason other than to show off her bosom (which may or may not be real; I can’t figure it out. One of the films many mysteries).

So to hurry things along a bit – Lisa is bored with Johnny. She tells her mother she wants to leave him, but Mummy likes Johnny cos he’s a rich banker. Blondey has other ideas, though: Johnny’s best friend, Mark (who is kind of like a zombie Owen Wilson). How do I know he’s Johnny’s best friend? Because a character mentions it at least once a fucking minute! “He’s my best friend”; “I’m so glad you’re my best friend”; “He’s your best friend” – I know they’re best friends! Shut the fuck up already! Now, Mark is initially reluctant to give into Lisa’s affections (because he’s Johnny’s best friend, you see) but Lisa managed to win him over with the timeless line, ‘I need you to make love to me,’ spoken in the same tone as ‘I need you to pick up some milk from the shops.’

Thus begins another incredibly long, protracted sex scene, in which the first four minutes are just them very slowly holding each other and getting undressed on a spiral staircase. And when they do have sex it’s… it’s… well it’s like two teenagers losing their virginity. It’s terrible. To me, if you’re going to have an sexual affair, it should be for amazing, spectacular sex.  Mark looks constantly like he needs reassurance that he’s putting everything in the right place and Lisa looks like she’s trying to ignore the discomfort of a deflowering.

Johnny buys some roses for Lisa in a scene that is ridiculously rushed (probably to balance out the outrageously long sex scenes).  Just before he arrives home, Lisa has a visit from Denny who asks to kiss her (she says no) and then Denny leaves. This will not be the last time Denny enters the house, has a couple of lines and then leaves immediately. In fact, Denny doesn’t even need to be in this film. At all. Having said that, Denny could have a film or TV series all to himself. The premise will be that Denny tries to get as many sexual favours as possible between dawn and sunset. It’ll be like Gone in 60 Seconds, only with kisses.

When Johnny returns home with the flowers, Lisa schemes to get him drunk, even though Johnny doesn’t drink. She pours him a vodka-whiskey. A vodka-whisky. I don’t drink, so I don’t know if that’s even a real thing. But she definitely uses vodka as a whiskey mixer. Anyway, she gets him drunk and says the very romantic line: ‘Make love to me. You owe me one.’ So they we have another sex scene. And this sex scene is 90% idential to the first one, with the pillows and the roses and the camera angles through rainy windows, candles and veils. It’s like being trapped in a Meat Loaf video. We’re only 27 minutes into this film. It doesn’t even have a plot yet!

 

Act 2

 

Lisa, in one of her many bizarre conversations with her mother, explains she’s organising a surprise birthday party for Johnny. In reply, her mother says that her brother is threatening to legally seize half of her house. Not only does this have nothing to do with the surprise party – it’s never mentioned again. It has nothing to do with anything. If this wasn’t bizarre enough, her mother then says she got her results back from her doctor – she has breast cancer! But, no biggie, Lisa says, ‘I’m sure you’ll be fine,’ and this is never brought up again either. Perhaps this scene was constructed by Lisa and Mummy alternately picking lines out of a hat (mental note: this is a great idea for a film), but eventually we meander back to the main plot – Lisa says Johnny got drunk and hit her. This is all part of her scheming to turn people against Johnny… for some reason.

Next scene: two random people are seducing each other in Lisa and Johnny’s living room. We have never seem these people before. They rub chocolates on each other, saying, ‘chocolate is the symbol of love.’ A heart is the symbol of love, you stupid motherfuckers! Chocolate isn’t even a symbol! The scene fades out as the woman moves down to perform fellatio (while the guy pulls off the single most accurate ‘i’m getting fellatio face’ ever acted)…

…we face back in as Lisa and Mummy return to find the couple hurriedly getting dressed. In a brilliant moment of unintentional fourth-wall breaking, Mummy says, ‘What are these characters doing here?’. We’d all like to know, Mummy. The couple are Lisa’s friends, Michelle and Mike, who apparently like to break into Johnny’s house so they can get down and dirty on their sofa (as explained by Lisa). The scene ends when Denny runs in and asks for a stick of butter, and then leaves immediately.

I hope you’re beginning to understand the random and chaotic nature of this film. You know when you’re dreaming and things just happen and the times moves forwards suddenly or slows right down and there’s no rhyme or reason to it? You’ve had that experience? I just wanted to put that thought into your head because suddenly we’re on the rooftop and lovely, perfect Denny is being assaulted by some dude, “Chris R”, who’s demanding ‘his money’. He holds a gun to Denny’s head! Zut Alors! Luckily Johnny and Mark arrive and drag Chris R ‘to the police’. Lisa and Mummy remain to interrogate Denny

DENNY: I owed him some money

LISA: What kind of money!?

DENNY: I owe him some money…

LISA: What kind of money?!?!

DENNY: Everything’s fine, he’s gone!

LISA: What kind of money, just tell me!!

Fucking krugerrands, you stupid bitch! ‘What kind of money’, Jesus Christ. I’m pretty sure this whole scene is improvised. When Denny says he bought some drugs, we go through the same routine (‘What kind of drugs!!?’), everyone is hysterical, no one is making any sense and the plot isn’t advanced one bit. But that’s OK because this drugs storyline is never brought up again.

We return to what I’m pretty sure is the main storyline – Lisa’s affair with Mark. They are still carrying on and have sexy phone conversations, even though Mark keeps getting angry at her.

We then cut immediately to – and words cannot describe the brilliance of this – Johnny walking on to the rooftop screaming ‘I did not hit her, I did not hit her! It’s bullshit! I did not!’ to absolutely no one at all, then (with immediate calm), ‘Oh, hi Mark,’ to Mark who is sitting right in front of him. Johnny tells Mark about the rumours going around that he hit Lisa, while Mark wants to discuss women who cheat. Luckily he has an anecdote that combines both elements:

MARK: I once knew a girl who had 12 guys. One of them found out about it and beat her up so hard that she ended up in hospital.

JOHNNY: Ha ha ha! That’s a great story, Mark!

I’ve suddenly realised the context in which this story makes sense. Sometimes when people talk to me I drift off and realise I haven’t heard what they’ve said and I’m forced to improvise an answer and hope it makes sense. I think all these characters are doing the same – they all have some kind of attention deficit disorder. In fact, this whole film has ADD, much like The Curious Case of the Dog in the Night Time was narrated by an autistic child. Now everything fits into place.

Meanwhile, Lisa continues to tell people that Johnny hit her. She tells Michelle (you know, the one going out with Mike of fellatio/chocolate fame?) that she’s been sleeping with Mark. Unfortunately, Johnny walks in to hear Michelle say ‘your secret is safe with me’, causing Johnny to go into a paranoid rage: ‘Why, Lisa, why, Lisa, please talk to me PLEEEAASSE!’

He overhears her telling Mummy that she’s sleeping with someone else and – destroyed – Johnny hooks up a recording device to the telephone in order to spy on her. The game is on.

I’m going to skip ahead here, past a random scene where Mark accidentally punches Mike into a dustbin, past a scene where Mark tries to throw Johnny’s psychiatrist off a building in a moment of madness, past a scene of the men playing catch while dressed in wedding tuxedos (for no reason), past the line “I can’t tell you about my client, it’s confidential. Anyway, how’s your sex life?”, past the fourth Tolkien-esque sex scene (Mark and Lisa), past a homoerotic playdate with Johnny and Mark, past another identical conversation between Lisa and Mummy… because none of it is relevant or plot advancing. It is god damned hilarious though.

 

Act 3

 

It’s the surprise party for Johnny! ‘You invited all my friends – good thinking!’

Out of nowhere, Johnny announces they are having a baby! Um… does Lisa know? Yes, apparently she just lied to him ‘to make it more interesting.’ But how will she pull this incredible lie off? Ah, she’s thought of that, too: ‘we’re probably going to have a baby eventually anyway’ – genius! But she didn’t reckon on Mark going batshit, thinking it’s his baby. He goes mental at Lisa, causing Johnny to get angry with Mark and all the secrets to start spilling out. There is a huge fight, rivalling the end of The Return of the King and Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows combined! Johnny storms off: ‘Everybody betray [sic] me! I’m fed up with this world!’

He locks himself in the bathroom, in a sulk. Lisa uses this opportunity to call Mark to run away with him. But – aha! – Johnny emerges from the bathroom and retrieves… the recording device! He plays back their conversation to reveal Lisa and Mark’s devastating betrayal! He throws Lisa out of the house and starts smashing the place to bits! Effectively, at this point, I’m pretty sure Johnny the LoveBot 1.01  starts to malfunction. His speech is caught in a broken loops, he destroys all their possessions, knocks everything off the walls and shelves. He grabs Lisa’s red dress and rubs it all over his face. He then starts to have horrible sex with the dress (I wish I was making this up) before grabbing a gun (Gosh! Is he going to hunt down Lisa and Mark in a rampage of revenge??!) and shooting himself (Oh.).

The film ends with the main cast crying over his dead body.

 

 

The Room. What can I say? As soon as it reached it’s conclusion I realised it should have been made like An Inspector Calls. Start at the end with Johnny’s death and start recounting all the bizarre things that happened in the past however-long-this-film-is. Then all the bizarre irrelevant things would make sense (sort of) as red herrings. You could start asking questions – is Denny mentally unstable (and likely to kill)? Is Lisa so backstabbing that she’d be willing to murder Johnny? Would Chris R kill Johnny out of revenge? Is Johnny really a malfunctioning robot that finally learned the meaning of pain? I don’t have to skills to edit films, but I implore someone to re-edit this film into a murder mystery, starting with the ending.

 

Drinking Game Rules (please drink responsibly): 

• Reference to someone being someone else’s best friend
• ‘I don’t wanna talk about it’
• Denny enters the house
• Denny leaves the house
• Lisa’s nipple visible
• ‘Oh, hi….’
• A sip everytime a football is thrown
• Every time Johnny laughs awkwardly

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