The X Factor 2011 Auditions: Episode 1 by sel

Finally. The need to find something to do on a Saturday night is over. We can stop pretending we care about having such fripperies as a “social life” and “friends” because it’s back. No, no, not Backstreet. Marginally better, it’s time for X Factor, bitches!

Aces. But wait, no Cheryl, no Dannnnniiiiiii and no Simon. What on earth are we to do left only with the cuddly goon that is Louis? It’s ok. He’s still overshadowed seeing as we get Tulisa off of NDubz and Actual Stars in the form of Kelly Rowland from Beyonce’s side project and David Guetta videos and Boss Eyed Gary from some boy band called Take That. Oh.

Ready for the roll call of freaks and geeks? Let’s do this.

First up we meet sprout faced Frankie Cocoza. We already know he’s a douche because we can see his hair. Then he opens his mouth and declares that he’s “mental” and interested in winning X Factor to be famous and dupe stupid girls into doing sexy times with him. What a tit. Apparently he has the names of seven of these girls tattooed on his arse. Tulisa doubts this ludicrous claim and so he shows her. Lovely. He is a charmer. For some reason Kelly thinks this is the best thing ever and the reason she will love the UK. He sings ‘Valerie’. It is adequate. Louis thinks he’s a cheeky chappy so obviously he goes through.

This year we get to see the “Make Up Room” that the fools are herded into to undergo further humiliation before they head out on stage. It is here we meet Kitty. Kitty looks like Tara Palmer-Tompkinson. Apparently she has producers and make-up artists that she works with. She’s asked if the make-up artist was here with her. Amazingly the answer is no. No one is here with Kitty because the only friends she has are the ones in her head. She shouty sings ‘Edge Of Glory’ in the manner of a drunken single bridesmaid out on a hen night in Blackpool. Boss Eyed Gary thinks it was great. As does Louis. So of course she decides to sit on the edge of the stage and prattle a load of wanky tosh about her dreams and whatever. Tulisa exerts some diplomacy and calls her “quirky” while the rest of us think “mentalist”. Kelly has also picked up that she’s possibly mentally unstable but Gary thinks this is just being complicated.

I don’t think Gary has seen X Factor before. He doesn’t quite get how awesomely bad people are supposed to be to fill up the 15 years of screen time before we get to the live shows.

Nothing can prepare him for Goldie Cheung though. She’s busy backstage throwing up into a Morrison’s bag. She’s originally from Hong Kong and decides to sing what we can only imagine is a popular state sanctioned Chinese pop song. Goldie does dancing too which involves the splits and wrapping her leg around Gary’s neck. Did I tell you Goldie’s 48 and dressed like a stripper? Then she sings “Proud Mary” and everyone loves her. She can’t sing but she is super entertaining. Boss Eyed Gary gets all po faced and says no. He’s such a spoil sport. No matter, everyone else says yes.

Then we meet Janet. Janet is a little mouse from the middle of nowhere. We know she’s got to the judge’s house bit because they bothered to send a camera crew to film her being all emo in her room writing poetry and crying into her diary. Oh who am I kidding, I think she’s adorable. She does this seemingly genuine cutesy folksy thing which will be super annoying by the second live show. You’ll be able to buy her album in shops sometime next year.

We then whip through some people who are through to Boot Camp based on not being totally tone deaf. Then we meet George.

You may remember George from a couple of years ago when he threw his mic onstage after being resoundingly awful with his group Triple Trouble. He claims to have grown up and changed and matured and able to accept criticism. Do we know how this is going to pan out? Of course we do. We’ve seen it a million times before. So this is how it goes down. Tulisa recognises him for his past misdemeanour. Louis doesn’t and he was freaking there! George claims again that he has “matured fully” and worked on his singing. He wants to sing “Gimme Everything” by Ne-Yo. Of course he’s awful. We knew he would be. He decides to wander off round the judging table when the music is cut off. He does not take the criticism well at all. Kelly tells him to get out the kitchen. Gary compares him to a bad curry. He responds by telling Tulisa she’s a scumbag dog whore or something. Tulisa’s worked her way up from Camden Town yo, she will beat a bitch down. He’s so rude even Dermot gives him a stern telling off. Pfft.

And that’s our lot. Next week seems to involve a lot of crying and pushy parents. Excellent.

But what about The Xtra Factor? Well, it shows what dreams can be achieved with X Factor as potato headed, stupid hat wearing Olly Murs is presenting it with some woman called Caroline Flack who apparently I’m supposed to have heard of. My problem with The Xtra Factor is that it could be a genuinely awesome show but they never seem to know what to do with it.

They play it safe with some asinine questions for the judges such as “Why did you take the job?” and “What are you looking for?” It also seems to have more auditions which can only be a good thing. Especially when we get to meet such delights as JTE. JTE? They’d be the John Thomas Experience. But of course. They want to be bigger than Jedward. They brap and claim to be ghetto. To prove their ghetto credentials they shriek “Freak Me” by Another Level. Amazing. Especially as they sing to Kelly and Tulisa. Bet they can hardly believe their luck.

Then we meet Jamie Bruce. He’s a bouncer. You’d never guess, he’s only 6’ 5” of cuddly man mountain. If he’s single, he’s about to get a lot of lady loving. Especially as he can actually sing a bit as well as being caring and sharing. Expect to see him on the main show sometime in the next few weeks.

Did you know Olly Murs fans existed? Well at least one does. They found her and got Olly to give her a kiss. She asks him to dance with her like at a really awkward school disco. Given that she holds Olly Murs in such high esteem, it’s not surprising that she is a bit rubbish. Not the worst but not the best. Bless her.

We then get a bit about how funny it is that Kelly is American and talks all funny. Kelly is clearly being awesome. Y’all just be hatin’ boo.

Overall though, Olly Murs isn’t THAT irritating and he works nicely with this Caroline girl who’s pretty and flirty and not Konnie Huq – a mismatch that was so out of whack, it could’ve been crack. And there endeth this week’s bad puns and X Factor excitement. See you next week.

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