Blank faced international rugby star Gavin Henson wants to find love. His quest pointlessly kicks off in the French Rivera, where he will display his muscled, orange torso repeatedly to twenty-five young, single girls who are desperate to find perfect, fairytale love. They have no idea who the bachelor they’ll be competing for is. Gavin is ready to move on from his five year relationship with Charlotte Church, and what better way to simplify the often messy and awkward business of courtship by letting a Channel 5 production team narrow down the ladies of Great Britain to a more manageable number?

Who are these twenty-five single ladies? Apparently they have been selected as part of ‘an exhaustive process’, which mainly seems to have involved wearing low cut vest tops in seedy looking casting rooms.

‘I really want to get the bachelor’s heart,’ says Zivile, a 21 year old retail stylist from London. ‘I really want to win’, says another, who’s name escapes me. They still don’t know who the Bachelor is. I’m not sure how Gavin would react to being objectified in this manner.

It’s time for Gavin and the girls to meet, as they parade up a red carpet into a fancy house past him, trying to make the most of first impressions.

‘I don’t really believe in love at first sight,’ says Gavin, ‘but I really believe that tonight I might meet my future wife.’
If this is the case, I’m not sure how he is going to distinguish her from all the others. I’ve never seen so many orange breasts, maxi dresses and Cheryl Cole hair-extentions in my life.

Zivile tells us that she is still a virgin, and is waiting for the right man. She stops short of revealing this to Gavin right there on the red carpet, instead making a pointed comment about him being a gentleman. Carrie, 27 from Devon, is terrifying. She falls in love easily, she explains, as she fixes Gavin with her intense eyes. Then, oh my god, it’s twins! Briony and Kathryn don’t want to be weird, and end up living together as old spinsters. They’ve decided to tackle this issue by competing for the same man with twenty-three other women.

Only ten girls so far, and Gavin is already wearing a dazed, confused expression. He shouldn’t worry, as ten will be immediately eliminated in this first episode. I hope he eliminates Laura, who is clearly annoying, standing at the bottom of the red carpet, demanding that he carry her, as Gavin looks like he wants the floor to swallow him up. And still they keep coming, shiny woman after shiny woman.

Now he has to actually be in a room with them all, twenty-five women all fighting for the attention of one man. They bombard him with questions:

‘Do you shave your legs?’
‘Do you speak French?’
‘Can you remember everyone’s names?’

All credit to him, Gavin goes at it like a trooper, attempting to talk to every girl. Laura comes out with usual clichés (‘I’m like Marmite- you either love me or you hate me’, ‘I’m not scary, but I scare men’), and manages to trick Gavin into thinking she’s mysterious. Despite her attempts, Gavin gives his first rose to Layla, a songwriter and Simon from Blue’s ex (yep, girl’s got pedigree). She actually seems quite sweet and nice. BORING!

The next day, Gavin turns up to surprise the girls while they’re still in bed, giving them ten minutes to get ready for a speed date event. I predict this will end badly, as there is much running and wearing of sunglasses. Sure enough, Laura struggles to dress herself correctly, and comes out wearing a towel with a strap that shows all her ‘assets’. Luckily she misses the bus.
The girls have two minutes to impress Gavin with something interesting about themselves. Gavin has another rose to present, so the stakes are high (the roses save the girls from elimination). Tia tells Gavin about her pagan family, in an attempt to make herself sound interesting. He doesn’t care about your family, he wants to know about you!

Carrie still wants feelings and emotions, something that I doubt she will find with Gavin, who only has one expression. She is actually a writer, and presents Gavin with a love note. Given that she uses the phrase ‘my head is mad confused’, I can;t imagine she will impress Gavin. But NO, I am wrong, Gavin is moved, and Carrie gets the rose. The other girls bitch about her as soon as leaves the room, bitter that they didn’t think of using such an obvious ploy themselves. Carianne claims, ‘I would never write someone a letter, I’d tell it to their face. It’s just cheesy. Get a life’ Ouch.

Finally, it’s decision time for our Romeo. The girls gather for the first ‘Rose Ceremony’. Yes, it’s really called that, like something from a cult. Gavin presents roses to the girls he wants to keep. The ten who leave will remain insignificant blurs of dress, glossy hair and hastily concealed bitterness. Gavin makes the wise decision to send the twins home. Things are confusing enough as it is. He keeps Laura however, who manages to make a big deal about the fact that she was picked last, as if she’s special.

As the rejects are herded out to go pack, I reflect that at least we’re down to more manageable numbers now. Next week Gavin and I might stand a chance of telling everyone apart.

Comments

1. MsMigot says:

   August 20, 2011 at 7:18 pm

   Ah me, thank you for watching so I don’t have to! The ghoul in me wants to watch this meat market, but my primordial lizard brain’s sense of self-preservation won’t let me.

   I managed about 5 of the women arriving before going to weep for feminism, Indian women who have to sell their hair and the notion that some things really don’t need to be seen on telly.
2. Helena P says:

   September 20, 2011 at 10:33 am

   I haven’t watched this and I don’t intend to, mainly because it’s much more entertaining reading your review! Also PLEASE tell me someone is doing one on Made in Chelsea, they were hilarious!

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