Celebrity Big Brother 2011: The Launch by shoutingatco.ws

Less than a year after Big Brother bit the dust – and less than six years after it stopped being relevant – Channel 5 have dipped into its grave, and pulled it, kicking and screaming, onto the Forgotten Channel. We’re live, we’re watching Channel 5 for the first time, and it’s Big Brother!

We’re playing a fun game of spotting which bits of the show Channel 5 have bothered to pay the licensing costs for, and it’s actually quite impressive. The music remains, the Geordie voiceover chap remains, and Davina has thankfully moved on (“Davina McCall is a MILFO – Mum I’d Like To Fuck Off.” – @squidyuk) to be replaced with former winner Brian Dowling.

Wikipedia at the ready, it’s time to meet the housemates!

Professional cocaine botherer, Iceland flogger and walking catastrophe Kerry Katona is first in. Since her notorious drunk unwell appearance on This Morning in 2008, she’s spent three years frantically having her hair done and being caked in make-up, ready for tonight.

Second up is oh God-she’s-fucked-her-face-up-since-American-Pie, Tara Reid. She got married just 5 days ago, and says that she has “no idea” who is in the house. Kerry greets her with an “it’s Kerreh”, and Tara proves that she has no idea who is in the house, by staring blankly at her. So far, so awkward.

Third in, Paddy Doherty! Bloody hell, Channel 5 have pulled out all the stops to secure a name that big. He was on Big Fat Gypsy Weddings, which is the lowest rung of the “celebrity” ladder, even below “being Gazza’s daughter” or “once wanked off David Beckham and a pig”. He’s like a young Father Jack, an incomprehensible, pissed up mess.

And next, Amy Childs, a woman so uselessly vapid that she struggles to say her own name for the introduction. Christ, the BAFTA winning Amy Childs, from The Only Way is Essex. She’s only one step above Paddy Doherty. On the way in, she pouts and poses for the cameras, and acts every bit the superstar that she isn’t. Her scumbag detector is immediately set off, and she recognises both Kerry AND Paddy, putting her in a tremendous minority.

A walking Mohawk calling himself Mr. Paparazzi is next. The first “celebrity” (note to self: check definition of celebrity) to be actively booed by the crowd. His name’s Darryn, which somehow manages to make Darren – officially the shittest name in the world – even crapper. His Wikipedia page has been deleted, because he’s not significant enough, so we’ll just have to guess that as a member of the paparazzi, he’s a massive bell-end. This is a perception that he does very little to disprove.

Number six is the speaker of the House of Commons, John Bercow…. ‘s wife, Sally. How did Channel 5 get in touch with her? Does she have an agent? Why is this happening? She’s clearly a bit “wacky” and straight out of the Christine Hamilton mould of Battleaxe-politician’s-missus. I can’t wait until she has to explain who she is, what her husband does, and the entire concept of politics to Kerry.

Next, we have a guy who was an actor in a show or something. Even after seeing him on screen and hearing his name, we’re none the wiser. Apparently, he’s Lucien Laviscount, and he was in Corrie. He’s no Martin Platt, is he? He’s barely Craig Charles, or even the guy who crashed the tram. He’s apparently a bit of a hunk or something, but being young and Manc, could easily have borrowed a telly from a smoking Curry’s last week. He tells a really tedious anecdote about meeting DB7 himself.

Tara is struggling at the best of times to understand what’s going on, but seems to have finally cracked and given up when Lucien Laviscount (seriously, what a name!) tries to introduce himself. Her eyes glaze over and she just nods and accepts whatever he says at her. Pretty much how she auditioned for American Pie.

Following him is a busty blonde actress, best known for Baywatch. Called Pamela. Obviously it’s not *that* Pammie, but Pamela Bach-Hasselhoff, ex-wife of Britain’s Got Talent berk David. Even as far as nobodies go, she’s impressively nothing. Oh, and when she mentioned Baywatch in the introduction, she meant that she was in an impressive 14 episodes over the course of a decade. She’s also delightfully off her tits on something.

BOBBY SABEL! BOBBY SABEL!!! FIRST PADDY DOHERTY AND NOW BOBBY SABEL! The Levi’s model gives an awkwardly scripted interview, in which he claims to be a “red blooded male” and talks about the “house full of beautiful women”. This may actually be an elaborate parody. Bobby. According to the internet, he is tall and has a chest and eyes.

And finally… Oh bloody hell, Jedward. Okay, we have a bit of a soft spot for Jedward, cos, really, it’d be like kicking a puppy if we stuck the boot into them. They were on the X Factor, if you haven’t heard of them, but frankly, given the depths that we’ve sunk already tonight, if you’ve heard of any of the contestants, you’ve heard of Jedward. They gambol and jump and generally do all of the mildly-endearing-but-oh-god-if-you-keep-doing-that-24-hours-a-day-then-I-will-get-pissed-off-and-punch-you-in-the-face things that they love.

With all the housemates locked up in their own little asylum, it’s Twist O’Clock!

Kerry goes to the Diary Room, and is set a Diva challenge: She needs to perform a celebrity tantrum, say, along the lines of someone getting caught snorting coke by the NOTW, and then get voted the biggest diva by the rest of the housemates. She’s given a welcome pack by Big Brother as a cover for the meeting. Unfortunately, she’s the world’s worst liar, and comes out almost screaming: “THEY JUST GAVE ME A WELCOME PACK THERE WAS NO SECRET TASK OR ANYTHING OKAY.”

And with that, the celebs are safely locked away for the night. We’ll be back whenever one of them gets booted out and back into the real world, but in the meantime, we’ll be idly speculating on Twitter as to which of the housemates was the First Reserve, brought in when Bobby Brown pulled out for whatever reason…

Comments

1. Timmy says:

   August 19, 2011 at 10:19 am

   It is impressive to find a group of 10 people (using the generally accepted standard that Jedward are one person) all of which fall, just barely, into the catchment of ‘celebrity’ where Jedward are the most famous/popular!

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