The Apprentice 2011: The Final by shoutingatco.ws

Dara Ó Briain opens the show with a short begging message to watch his spin-off program afterwards.  We’re here first though, to find out who will be… The Business Partner Apprentice.

The Apprenticees are given forty-eight hours to polish up their business plans.  Tom will have some sort of ergonomic hat, while Jim just fucks about on RedTube, assuming he’ll be able to wing it.  The business plans and CVs are going to be pored over by Alan’s business buddies; Claude Littner; Mike Suiter; Matthew Riley; and Karren+, Margaret Mountford.

Jim is immediately pegged as a bullshitter, while Riley has a cheeky flirt with Susan.  Tom gives a sterling talk through his bad-back-reducing furniture range, before it’s pointed out that he’s so obtuse, his plan doesn’t even use the word chair.

Margaret gets her teeth into Jim’s CV, in which he spins metaphors so torturous that even Charlie Brooker would wince.  When he’s asked to describe himself without clichés, he says that he’s “exactly what it says on the tin”.

Back in with Claude, Tom finds out that he’s made a mistake in Excel, and every single one of his figures is incorrect.  In fact, his entire business plan is rubbish and incomplete.  He comes out to the waiting contestants, and breaks the cardinal rule of the interviews, by admitting that it went terribly.

Helen’s business plan is a service for people who are too lazy or busy to phone their dentists or book a table in the Ivy.  Because clearly, it’s easier to phone an assistant than a dentist.  While this is going on, Jim slates her, right up until the point that Susan leaves, when he turns on her.  Git.

Susan gets trapped by Margaret, and brilliantly admits to paying her workers cash-in-hand.  That’ll be how she aims to make £1m profit in her first year.  She’s going to take her market-stall global, like a 21^st Century Del Boy.

Jim’s product is AMsmart, which uses blah blah e-learning to push blah blah business acumen at kids.  AMsmart.  Arse-licker, hanging off the back of Alan’s million years of experience.  Really, the Amstrad brand is so dead, he’d be better off tagging onto the News of the World.

“How many headteachers have you spoken to?”  Jim doesn’t answer the question.  The interview enters a loop of the same question being asked and avoided, right up until the point that Jim predictably admits… none.

Tom is put on the spot over being a nice guy, and admits that he lost interest in his first invention – the world’s first curved nail file.  Hard to see why you’d ever get bored of that.  This is backed up by a Former Employer, who complains that Tom doesn’t get things finished.

“A meteoric rise from zero to hero”

Susan’s skincare products are tested by a chemist, and she tells the story as though she bowls into the local pharmacy and asks them to inhale the face-cream in case it contains asbestos.

THE BOARDROOM

Back in the boardroom, Alan’s golf pals offer their opinions on the candidates.

Helen’s concierge service business plan is talked down for being underprepared and underwhelming.  As good as she is at completing the tasks – which is no indication of anything, really – her first business plan hasn’t been any good.

Jim was slippery at every turn, evading questions and clichéing the shit out of himself.  Unfortunately, they liked his business plan, despite targeting cashless schools.  Nick points out that the entire AMSmart plan is an arse-licking note to impress Lord Sugar.

Tom loves inventing more than he loves being focused on any one job.  His business plan was a bit all over the shop, but Karren steps in to let us know that Tom and Alan would be a business dream team.

Susan’s experience and entrepreneurial spirit ( © Evan Davies ) are praised, and actually, she comes out of it all pretty well.  The only drawback is her sales figures being made of fairy dust and snowflakes, appearing with a magical £4.5m turnover in year one.

The interviewers depart, and the contestants step in.

THE REAL BOARDROOM

Susan is told off for her wacky accounting, and Helen gets it in the neck for not having any experience in the concierge field.

Alan has a little whinge about health and safety legislation, specifically being forced to provide toilets and not exposing lift-shafts.   He’s not a fan of back-pain prevention, wandering down a path where he’s forced to make sure employees don’t have athlete’s foot or ingrowing toenails (although Tom can already help prevent that.)

Jim’s business plan doesn’t actually make any money, piggybacks onto “Sugar’s” brand, and is targeted at the wrong market.

The bullshit salesmanship and Sugar-tailored business plan aren’t endearing and so Jim’s fired.  Alan’s surprisingly nice to someone who has clearly been a bit of a dick-end.

Susan’s business plan underestimated the costs and showed too much naivety, with inevitable firing-based consequences.

Helen and Tom are told to step outside, while Nick and Karren bitch about them for a bit.

As they come back in, Helen tries to buy herself another chance, by offering up her second business plan, selling cakes and sausage rolls.  She gets a dig in at Tom, as well – pointing out that he should be successful after six years in business.

Tom tells a heartwarming story of visiting one of Wal-Mart’s buyers, and personally demonstrating his nail file until they agreed to pass it on to the supermarket behemoths.

The story resonates with ol’ Grumpy Bollocks, and he decides that Tom is… hired!

He wanders outside, takes his specs off and punches the air like a nerdy Rocky.

And it cuts to Dara, so that… is that!

Can you try not to look awkward for us please, Alan

Comments

1. Tim says:

   July 18, 2011 at 1:04 pm

   Well, that was entirely predictable as The Apprentice completes its conversion into a downmarket version of Dragons’ Den.

   On which planet did Helen think it was a good idea to change tracks at the last minute? “Hey, I know I just got eviscerated in my interviews, but actually I didn’t want this job – I wanted THAT one. Can I have it, please?”

   All in all, four poor ideas. Of course, it was compelling viewing as always, but I can’t help but feel the Junior Apprentices would have come up with better plans than the four grown-up finalists.

   And, of course, I take no pride in having picked out Tom as the winner from week one … hell, who am I kidding? *Smug mode*

   http://slouchingtowardsthatcham.com/2011/07/18/the-apprentice-and-the-winner-is/

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