This week I watched…
Undercover Boss, Ann Summers, C4

 

It is pretty depressing when the highlight of an hour long show is the preview for the following episode. Next week, the boss of Southern Fried Chicken seems incredulous that he sells cheap chicken to drunken people at 2am. It looks AMAZE. Focusing back on this week, however, we have vibrators.
CEO Vanessa Gold has gone undercover to try and work out how to shift more overpriced vibrators, along with the scratchy nylon knickers and sexy nurse costumes that make up the stock of Ann Summers. Profits are apparently falling. Still, I don’t think Vanessa and fellow CEO, sister Jacqueline, have anything to worry about. You can never have too many vibrators.
Vanessa shuffles timidly into store on her first day, like someone facing the prospect of attempting to sell an anal plug to a member of the public, while wearing a bad wig, and I have to wonder how comfortable she actually is with the merchandise that her family’s business sells. Her back-story, that she is recently divorced and the subject of a documentary about people recently returning to work after a long period of unemployment, is quickly picked apart by Mae, one of her new colleagues,
‘And if you don’t mind me asking, why are you wearing a wig?’

‘I don’t want him [her husband] to recognise me.’

I think everyone in the country was shouting, ‘just say you’re bald!’ at the TV by that point.
Ultimately, Vanessa is completely outshone by her feisty, intelligent, ambitious staff, who seem to have more ideas about what should be done with the brand than she does. Retail assistant Ellie handles a group of men sniggering over anal plugs without so much as batting an eyelid. ‘I think it’s pretty childish to be honest’, she said, ‘And I’m at least five or six years younger than them.’
The only problems with the company seems to be how these staff are treated, a combination of part-time contracts and head office contempt that will be familiar to anyone who has ever worked in retail. This was glossed over in the reveal, where the insurmountable difference between the Golds and the bottom rung of their business empire was painfully evident. They offer Ellie a week in Greece, only for her to respond with, ‘But I haven’t got a passport.’

I also watched…

 

Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares USA, C4

Kitchen Nightmares is generally my go-to for shouty angst and shots of chaotically organised walk-in fridges. The US version is much the best, as the Americans are never ones to shy away from ‘scenes organised for the purposes of drama.’ There is no doubt that the Classic American in New York is a restaurant with problems, but it is unclear whether those problems are best solved by ‘Chef Ramsay’ shouting ‘shit’ in a really British way. In this episode, due to clever editing, it initially looks like Ramsay has met his match in the form of angry restaurant co-owner, Naomi. The disinterested waiting staff, jaded by endless customer complaints, seem happy for any mild distraction.

Inside Nature’s Giants, Polar Bears, C5
I think my blasé attitude towards this programme was evident by the fact that I settled down to watch it with my celebratory pay-day M&S summer berry roulade. ‘After all,’ I sagely informed my boyfriend, ‘they can’t actually kill polar bears. They’ll just show some computerised mock-ups of their intestines.’ Forty minutes later, six feet of actual polar bear intestine are spread out before our eyes. I lose interest in the summer berry bits of the roulade, as I ponder how much worse blood looks on the snow. My boyfriend looks a little nauseous. So, apparently, you can kill a polar bear if you are a hunter from Greenland. Who knew? I did, however, very much enjoy watching Richard Dawkins talking about penis bones.

Next week I will be watching…Candy Bar Girls, C5 (REAL LESBIANS!)

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