Perfect Ways to Waste Your Summer by Nick Bryans

The 'Header'; he's doing it wrong.

Wahay! Summer is here! Many months now follow for one to indulge in all those British activities we prioritise in this favoured season. Such as drinking in beer gardens. And slightly inebriated barbeques. And drinking Pimms. And drunken antics at festivals…….Alright, in general we do exactly the same as we do in winter; just outside. If there’s one thing the British love fulfilling, it’s a stereotype. But as the philosopher and gent Damon Albarn once lamented, ‘oh stereotypes, there must be more to life’, and you know what? He’s right. There are scores of things to do this summer, in particular: sports and recreation! As the country that invented tennis, cricket and Ultimate Frisbee, we know a thing or two about the beautiful games. So how better a way to spend the summer months than being caught short on a sticky wicket (there’s an innuendo in there somewhere. I think)?

Golf

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Winston Churchill once famously said that golf was ‘the perfect way to spoil a walk’. But what does he know about anything? He only, like, won world wars. And stuff. Once the preserve of elite landowners who used to make balls out of the bone marrow of poor children (This is a lie), golf has gone some way to breaking down traits most people held common with the game, such as the rigid conformity to draconian rules and outfits so strange that it made you accept the theory of alternative dimensions. Gone are the days where country roads smelled like a steady mix of manure and toff. With periodicals like ‘Golf Punk’ and the further development of ‘Speed Golf’, Golf is further trying to push its position as a cool thing for cool people to do. A bit like ‘Junior Conservatives’ was back in the 90s, and just about as artificially hip as that little campaign was.

Look, if you enjoy hitting a little ball around with sticks for a few hours, dressing like a colossal tool and chatting about holidays in Marbella, golf is for you. If you are enticed by the prospect of the ball/stick combo, but don’t fancy the baggage that comes with golf; try pitch and putt. It’s quite simple.

Cricket

Is there ANYTHING more quintessentially British than Cricket? Village greens, knitted jumpers, breaks for tea, a reinforced sense of a ‘class system’; it’s a fantastic microcosm into our culture. Like golf, cricket has undergone a massive change in recent times. Often maligned for being boring – due to average match lasting 5 days and with fuck all ever happening in it – in attempt to attract the beer swelling simpletons that pump massive funds into footy footy ball ball, they decided to make it shorter.

First the one-day match was invented, with your average match lasting, well, one day. Obviously. Then they realised that keeping people’s attention for 8 hours was still waaaay to hard. C’Mon, 8 hours? That’s nuts. People could doss about on YouTube all day in that time. Or watch half of a Lord of the Rings film. So instead they invented 20/20; a 4 hour clusterfuck of an exhibition that is essentially what would happen if Richard Desmond was the chairman of the International Cricket Committee. Gone are the village greens, tea breaks, v neck jumpers and Henry Blofelds witticisms, replaced by a rancid mix of pop music, dancers, fireworks, colourful kits, and horrendously cringeworthy names like Sussex Sharks, Nottinghamshire Outlaws, and the Essex Lemon Party (The last one is a lie). Regardless, it gets bums on seats. And has seen cricket turn into a multi-million pound sport.

If you enjoy long days in the sun with your mate, who can only be described as a ‘character’ coming out with side-splitting funnies about the fielding positions ‘Fine leg’ and ‘Silly Point’, whilst also making rib-tickling puns about bails, being ‘hit for six’ and ‘stumped’, then cricket is definitely for you.

And whatsmore, if Bermuda’s Dwayne Leverock can play in a cricket World Cup, so can you!

Tennis

As you are probably noticing, there is a trend with most summer sports to be associated with the middle to upper classes. These types tend to see tennis, cricket, golf etc as their sports, and use high costs and strict rules to keep it that way. What do these people assume the working classes do in summer? Chase cars? Go git-surfing? Have water fights with 2 litre bottles of X-Force Cola?

Like cricket, tennis is one of those games where the associated catering and hospitality entice more people to it than the actual sport, which also leaves them with the longer lasting memories. “Oh darling, Saturday at Wimbledon was amazing. We sat on Henman Hill, drank Pimms and ate Strawberries and cream. It was just lush”. The days of the much maligned Henman ‘Chip n Charge’ are over, and the British Isles is now represented by Andy Murray; a player who divides opinion in this country. Views on him are split between ‘I hate the Scottish prick, he slagged off England’, and ‘….bit dull, isn’t he?’.

Post Wimbledon is the time that most casual fans think ‘I could do that’, and will plague public courts with their brand new tennis gear, wondering why they can’t serve at over 100kph. Then they get bored, and start playing foot tennis, before going for a Calippo. Always the way.

Ace.

If you enjoy watching over-competitive couples have a marriage breakdown whilst wearing Hi-Tec trainers, then tennis could be for you. If you also enjoy ponsey crudities and casual yet hypocritical xenophobia, then Tennis may definitely be for you.

Lawn Bowls

We’ll all be old one day. You can try and fight it, but we’ll all be old eventually. One day we’ll look forward to an afternoon scone with Last of the Summer Wine re-runs, knitting, and pottering around the garden armed with a watering can and a confused expression. Alright, so we probably won’t watch Last of the Summer Wine, and yes, no one in our generation will ever be able to afford a house, let alone a garden. But still, the point remains.

So how better to start to prepare for one’s golden years, than with lawn bowls. You’d be forgiven for thinking that there was a ‘Challenge 60’ policy at most bowls clubs. They really do resemble God’s waiting room. The smell of brut and HRT wafts out of most clubs, and one must wonder whether the sport is in it’s farewell period. But like golf and cricket, bowls can become trendy again! There is immense skill involved: the ball is weighted so it must be curved towards the jack, meaning knowledge of weight, direction and physics all come into it. I didn’t realised this when I had a bash once on a holiday as a child, and nearly took out a 70 year old retired civil servant from Barrow in Furness. I was only a child, alright?

If you enjoy fitted white outfits, flatcaps and endless cups of tea, bowls may be for you. And someone should keep it alive, because otherwise it’ll die out and bowls clubs will be replaced by, I dunno, Tesco or something.

So as we can see, there are endless ways to keeping yourself occupied, fit and healthy this summer! Whether it’s with a racket in hand, ball on tea, or facing someone’s 70mph left arm bamboozlers, this summer WILL BE the summer of sport! So dust down that kit in the back of your garage, throw away that bulging pack of Cutters Choice and just think how much better you’ll feel once September rolls round…………………………………………………………….sod it, pub?

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Comments

1. David Smith says:

   July 7, 2011 at 11:51 am

   You’ve missed out the quintessentially northern summer sport of Rugby League… now there’s something to get those Marxist teeth into Bryans!

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