The Photo Psychic: Bothering Your Dead Dog by shoutingatco.ws

Weekly chav-bait magazine Pick Me Up likes to believe in a bit of the supernatural, ghosts, spirits, fairies and all that gumf.

One of their most popular features is the resident psychic, a typically middle-aged, female liar, who pretends that she can talk to the dead. Rather than achieving world fame, riches and a Nobel prize, they decide to peddle their gift via a £1.50 a minute hotline, and in the back of a magazine.

What worthy causes does the Photo Psychic throw her weight behind? Solving a murder? Nope, she’s dabbling in the property market:

I’ve had my house on the market since last summer. Lots of people have seen it, and said really nice things, but no-one’s made an offer. Can you tell me what’s wrong?
Jean, Leeds

Her bizarre response?

“Just say thank you to the house (you can say it inside your head if you want!) for its warmth, protection and friendship over the years.”

Oh, of course. Thanking the house. Always overlooking that one.

Our absolute favourite is this response:

“Benji says there’s nothing to forgive. He knew you were acting out of love for him and that you wouldn’t have taken that course of action for any other reason. He was tired and his physical body was giving out. At the end, he wasn’t crying, he was picking up on how devastated you both were and trying to tell you not to worry. Please don’t be sad any more, he says. He’s nearer than you realise.”

Which is, admittedly, a fairly bog-standard response, until you find out that Benji is – as you may have guessed – a dog. A dead dog. She’s pretending to be a dead dog. Sitting at home, thinking “I wonder how Benjie would have phrased this. He’d probably have said ‘physical body’, or something. Like how dogs do.”

There’s also this wonderfully mad response to a wonderfully mad old lady:

I had this picture taken with two ladies dressed in traditional costumes while on holiday in Mallorca in March. When it was developed, I found a large orb round my tummy. A few weeks later, I was whisked into hospital with severe abdominal pain. I had lots of tests and scans, and was put on morphine for four days. But doctors couldn’t find anything wrong. The orb was in exactly the same place as where the pain was. I call it my Guardian Angel, as I’m sure she was looking after me at that time. What was it?
Cynthia, 69, Sheffield, South Yorkshire

Mystic Mary replies: ‘A healing orb, and you’re right, it’s put there by angelic energy. Orbs are signs of spiritual activity round us, although they don’t all have the same function. Some are messenger orbs and some, like this one, are put there to protect and heal you. And it clearly did its job. Your angel’s name is Aliel, and her message for you is to remember she’s there.’

If you can see the lens flare orb, you’re doing far better than us.

Yes, the Photo Psychic is helping out the vulnerable (“I have ME and am stuck at home with no job and no confidence. I need to know if there is any hope of direction for me?”), but by giving them false hope and telling lies. Diluting the memories of their dead relatives. Most of the advice is pretty generic – but sometimes, sometimes… It’s just utter bollocks:

It’s never easy when families argue, especially when you end up in the middle. One way of dealing with this is to take a candle for each person involved in the argument, arrange them in a circle and light them. Then ask for angelic help to put things right. Make sure you sit with the candles for at least ten minutes sending out positive thoughts to everyone involved. When you finish, put the candles out and don’t use them for anything else. This method can be used for all sorts of difficult situations.

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