The Week on the Telly by Hannah

I watched…

The Fairy Jobmother, C4

‘There are jobs out there,’ begins employment expert Hayley Taylor as she opens the first meeting of the Hartlepool Work Club, ‘they’re just really, really rubbish jobs.’ The unemployed stare back at her nervously, as she writes a number of Daily Mail sponsored statistics on her lecture pad.

‘The only reason you don’t have jobs,’ Hayley continues, ‘is because you’re lazy. If you don’t get jobs, you’ll lose your benefits, which you don’t deserve anyway, and your children will starve. And when I say get a job, I mean any old rubbish, soul destroying job you can find. Don’t worry about your self respect, you don’t have any. Self respect is for people like me.’

The door bursts open, revealing George Osborne shouting down a megaphone, ‘The unemployed fun-times are over, benefit claimants, no more chicken and chips for breakfast in front of Jeremy Kyle. Life can’t be one big LOL-fest, there are jobs for all!’

The unemployed start to cry.

NO! Of course not! Hayley didn’t say any of these things! That didn’t happen! It’s just what the subtext of the programme implies.

This week Hayley is helping five people find work, including a young couple, Mark and Joanne, an ex lab technician Tim, and teenagers Stewie and Scott. Hayley treats her unemployed like children, sending Tim and Stewie out of the room when they laugh at someone farting, and giving them a teacher-style telling off in the corridor. The message is, if you want a job, you have to be serious and sensible, despite the fact that 90% of people’s time at work is spent laughing at their colleagues and googling things.

Hayley is keen to stress that there are jobs out there for everyone, and indeed, after successfully prostrating themselves in front of the Hartlepool United Chief Exec, all of the candidates secure interviews, with everyone except Tim winning a job. I find myself wondering about the other candidates, those who didn’t have the benefit of almost one-on-one tuition from Hayley, or a film crew. Indeed, we are told that one of the vacancies had eighty applicants. I’m guessing that there are jobs in Hartlepool at the moment, and your best chance of getting one is if you have a Channel 4 film crew following you.

I also watched…

Dinner Date ITV1/ Four in a Bed C4/ Come Dine with Me, Channel 4

I realised recently that 90% of my television viewing consists of shows about groups of strangers going around to other people’s houses and judging them. My newest favourite, Dinner Date takes one lucky singleton and sends them on three Come Dine With Me style dates. At the end, they choose the person they like best and take them on a real date. The two rejected contestants open the door to find a ready meal on the doorstep. They always seem happy to see the free food.

I am also enjoying Four in a Bed, as it combines my favourite activities of being bitchy and staying in hotels. In something akin to a visual dramatisation of a Tripadvisor review, four sets of B&B owners go and stay with each other and only pay what they believe the room was worth. Imagine going on a week long competitive holiday with people you secretly hate, and having them slag off your business.

For me, Dinner Date misses an opportunity by ending as the happy couple have their final date, and not showing the moment of awkward consummation, sarcastically narrated by Dave Lamb (Why doesn’t he narrate my life?). We need more realism in our lives. And speaking of realism, when did everyone on Come Dine with Me become wacky? The joy of the programme used to come from over earnest amateur cooks desperately trying to prove themselves, their many, repeated failings gleefully pointed out by Dave. Now it’s all seventies themed pool parties and people shrieking.

Just an idea, but why not combine these into one show where people go to B&BS to host dinner parties where everyone has sex judgementally? Think of all the time we’d save.

Next week I will be watching… The Marriage Ref, ITV 1

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