The Apprentice 2011: Episode 6 by shoutingatco.ws

We’re on week six, ten businessdicks remain, and Helen is still yet to do actually do anything memorable.

The teams are sent out in hi-viz jackets to Smuggler’s Way, which isn’t quite the Enid Blyton adventure it sounds. It’s a rubbish distribution centre, meaning that they distribute rubbish, rather than being City Link.

They’re given a truck each, and two days to clear out as much waste as possible. They can sell off any valuable bits they find, like City Wombles. We won’t bother with the “selling rubbish comes naturally to Alan Sugar” line.

Venture bicker over who’ll be PM, while Logic’s newest member, Helen, immediately volunteers to head up their team. Tom’s the first to benefit from her leadership, finally having an idea (focus on selling scrap metal) listened to and accepted.

Jim and Tom take the truck out, and use a loudspeaker to harass households. Tom attempts to steal a barbecue, before Jim tells him that it’s not the best idea. Meanwhile, Helen decides to clear out a builder’s yard for free, based on the potential scrap sales. No way that could backfire.

Venture PM Zoe pitches to the builders, and settles on £150, before Susan suggests that “zero” would be a better shot. Unsurprisingly, the builders run with Helen’s team.

“There’s a big plate of blame. Fancy a bite?”

The unlikely double-act of Jim and Tom go door-to-door, bothering the elderly and setting off a giant BOGUS CALLER siren. Helen turns up at an office, and offers to take away some pretty decent furniture for free. Later in the same location, Zoe and Susan argue over who’s paying whom. They then argue over whether asking the office man for £100 is too high. Probably doesn’t matter, really. Nope, doesn’t matter.

Day two, and the teams start shifting the muck. Truck gets full. Truck gets empty. Truck gets full. Truck gets empty. It’s like a Thomas the Tank Engine play set. A couple of deals are negotiated through the day, accompanied by the usual insincerity and cash-wringing.

Logic’s first transaction of the day is for £110, which puts them on, er, minus £110. Venture annoy a man by underestimating the amount of junk, and then try to re-negotiate the deal afterwards. Jim gets screwed by a builder, who keeps adding bags o’ scrap to his front garden when the team’s backs are turned.

“They’re operating like a well oiled team”

The Boardroom

“You started out yesterday with nothing…” starts Alan. Nothing except a truck, a stack of contacts and an unpaid workforce of five.

Zoe admits that she got it wrong by trying to charge the building site and office, when Helen did it for nothing. Where’s the fun in that? Stop being so bloody reasonable, and blame it on Glenn’s stupid face.

Venture made £706, while Logic made £712. A not at all contrived difference of £6. Tom wins! Tom wins! Oh, it’s a trip to a thermal spa. Inside, he’s begging to be let back into the boardroom.

Glenn and Edna get into that horrific thing of “I did…”, “it was me that…”, where they’re trying to claim collective achievements as their own. Alan has already noticed this, by virtue of being told it.

Edna and Susan are brought back to tediously bicker with Zoe. Susan is in trouble with Zoe for asking questions, which is unprofessional. It’s not unprofessional, it’s just annoying. “You sealed the job, but you didn’t secure the appointment” is a valid arguing technique in here, as though it bloody matters who was to blame for which minor part of the minor failure.

“You chained seef executives?”

The focus here is on Edna, who claims to have done everything on every task. Securing deals? Edna. Negotiating prices? Edna. Amstrad E3 E-m@iler Superphone? Edna.

Al runs down the three girls, before deciding that Susan is… getting another chance. However, he doesn’t think he’ll gel with vacuous management-speak fountain Edna, and she’s… FIRED.

Even in the taxi, she can’t shut up about how brilliant she is with her BSc and MBA and LSD. Back in the car, Susan and Zoe carry on rowing. It doesn’t matter, ladies – the task’s over, and pretty much everything is forgotten until…

Next week: The posing pillocks publish magazines.

Comments

1. Tim says:

   June 9, 2011 at 1:59 pm

   I think they edited out the bit where Edna stated she had brokered world peace and had a word with Alex Ferguson about where he’s going wrong in the Champions League.

   Zoe was an emotional wreck and could easily have gone, but what a colossal waste of oxygen Edna was. Just because you have a qualification in entrepreneurship doesn’t make you any good at it. I have a 50 metre swimming badge – last time I checked I wasn’t Michael Phelps. Good riddance.

   http://slouchingtowardsthatcham.com/2011/06/09/the-apprentice-ednas-trash-talk-proves-costly-as-venture-fail-scrapheap-challenge/
2. Sel says:

   June 10, 2011 at 10:01 am

   The look of pure joy on Tom’s face when he realised he’d won was amazing. I want to keep him as a pet.

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